After 4 1/2 years, 14 fresh IVF cycles, 7 donor inseminations, 4 FETS, and the loss of my dear son Blobby at 14 weeks 2 days, we tried (half) an egg donor. Blood test 10 December 2010 = BFP. Little Spark was born 6 August 2011!!! He LIVES! Now the journey continues with an FET in November 2012 with our last embryo. Perhaps our last ever?

Endless

07/06/2017 1 comment

Recently we had to scramble assembling documentation revisiting past tax years (no problem with us – so don’t worry about that process).

Of course some of the documentation was statements from Medicare and our private health fund, and the years we had to go back through were years with lots of AR procedures. When I was requesting documents and saying the years I was pretty good. I was concentrating on the list of documents I needed, and they were from a wide range of sources.

But then I had the Medicare and private health statements in my hands. I saw those big numbers, and I couldn’t help remembering what they stood for. Luckily I’m Australian, so they didn’t stand for a huge debt, but there is still an emotional debt. There are still so many embryos I wished a long life for. Still so many EDDs that I pretended to myself I wasn’t calculating. So many moments of physical pain as well as years of emotion pain.

Endless.

Categories: Musings

Back from NZ

09/05/2017 2 comments

We’re back from NZ! I intended to post from the road, but I didn’t. By evening I was so exhausted and for once made a decision early in the trip that I deserved nights off. I only posted a couple photos per day, so now I have the big task of going through photos, writing up posts on my other blogs, etc – all made a bit more tiresome as I still haven’t replaced the laptop that died. But here’s a sample of our trip.

We started in Christchurch, which – wow. It really brings home how even though we can see footage of things and so many photos but still can’t understand what it is like to be there. I found it at once devastatingly sad as well as fascinating to see how a city can rebuild and reinvent itself. We were in Christchurch only 3 days, but I loved it. I could live there.
Christchurch contrasts

The boy wouldn’t have minded living there if he could always exist in this playground.
Playground time again//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js

When we left we headed south. We followed Mali‘s suggestions and visited a playground and the Moeraki Boulders. I loved the Moeraki Boulders!!
Moeraki Boulders//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js

Dunedin was lovely, then we headed off on an extremely wild and windy day to see the Caitlins. It felt like quite an achievement not being blown off the cliff when we visited the Nugget Point Lighthouse.
Today's achievement: not being blown off the Nugget Point Lighthouse track//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js

We eventually made our way to Fiordlands and Milford Sound, which was stunningly beautiful.
We couldn't resist going back to Milford Sound today.//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js

People rave about Queenstown, and the setting is absolutely stunning, but UGH THE PEOPLE. I quite loved heading OUT of town.
The road to Cardrona//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js

I much pereferred Wanaka, and I enjoyed quiet kayaking on the lake. Next we headed of to the west coast and saw some glaciers, interesting rock formations, and even more stunning scenery.
Coffee and breakfast views//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js

Punakaiki - Pancake Rocks - Paparoa National Park//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js

Queen Charlotte Sound//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js

Before we left the south island we spent a day wine tasting, which was a Very Good Thing.
Our last full day on the south island was spent tasting wine in the Marlborough region.//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js

That was the 1st half of our trip. Maybe it’s a good thing that I don’t have many photos posted yet!

Categories: Musings

Unexpected Conversations

04/04/2017 1 comment

A couple months ago we were on a family bushwalk (I’d bribed Sparky with the promise of chocolate to get him to actually walk). At some point during the walk, Sparky asked me if I’d ever had other babies. I try to be truthful about things with him, so I told him that yes, I had had another baby but he was born too early and died.

I remember the little bit of silence after as he pondered this. I remembered the other group of bushwalkers that overtook us at this moment and probably heard the conversation, and I wondered what they thought.

Eventually Sparky spoke: do you think Hulk Smash could beat Superman? Can Hulk Smash pick up the whole world?

There may be questions later when he has digested the information, but I don’t think being truthful with Little Spark has traumatised him.

Categories: Musings

That Worked Well!

03/04/2017 1 comment

Writing out a list, asking hubs and the boy what should be added, then asking who would do each task certainly worked! I still spent more time working over the weekend, however my husband took charge of a few major tasks – although he downgraded some – and my son joined in.

For some reason, the first major thing I tackled over the weekend was my son’s room. I had it down as an ‘optional’ task as it doesn’t impact the dogsitters, but his room has been a pitt of untidiness for a long time. Somehow we managed to get it into some sort of order before noon on Saturday.

The dogsitters arrive on Thursday evening, and we fly out Friday morning. To complicate matters I have house guests from Tuesday to Thursday, but I’ll get through it. Perhaps without as much perfection as I’d like, but through it I will get!

Categories: MicroBlogMonday, Musings

A Big List

31/03/2017 1 comment

I have been inspired: I have the start of a list of things to do this weekend in preparation for our trip. I’ve added some things, but tonight I’ll ask my husband and son what they would like to add and which they would like to do first.

Categories: Musings

New Adventures Await

27/03/2017 6 comments

In 2 weeks from right now I should be on the road between Christchurch and Dunedin; we’re off on more adventures – this time to New Zealand.

I’ve spent the weekend trying to do All the Things* while berating myself for not being able to do All the Things (because that’s impossible). My husband spent the weekend looking at his tablet and socialising. Sigh.

I do all the planning and organising; he simply isn’t built for it. I should be better about giving him lists of tasks to do. He’d probably do them quite happily, however somehow it feels bitchy. I should get over that.

Trying to see the good side of all this, I doubt I would have my darling Little Spark if I wasn’t this sort of person. I learned a lot about being a patient: you need to keep records, question things, ask about different procedures or options, stay informed. If I hadn’t told my FS that I thought it was time to look at egg donation, I think he would have just stimmed me forever. I got us there.

Just as sometimes in the middle of the frustrations of having a 5 year old I need to paused and wonder at what a wonderful thing it is to be experiencing those frustrations, I need to remind myself that feeling overwhelmed organising a trip is a wonderful thing – because we’re going on a trip. New adventures await.

*I miss Hyperbole and a Half. She’s wonderful. I hope she is doing something fulfilling and finding some happiness.

My inspiration for actually getting posts up is often fuelled by MicroBlog Monday at http://www.stirrup-queens.com/. Join in!

Categories: MicroBlogMonday, Musings

Best Friends

23/02/2017 2 comments

These are some thoughts that have been bouncing around my head lately, but I’m also prompted to try to get some of these thoughts ‘down’ after Mel’s post My Own Best Friend.

I’m fairly insular. I’m an introvert. I have friends, but not many who are close. Most people I’d rather keep in touch with online. Even meeting up for coffee can feel stressful with people I don’t usually see face-to-face.

There’s a woman who I consider to be my best friend, but after thinking about it a bit I realise that I’ve never called her that to her face even though I’ve referred to her as that to others. She is going through a busy and stressful time right now. I’ve been trying to balance ‘being there’ for her with not being too in her face if she’s trying to get on with things. Plus her time is completely taken up with caring for herself and her family.

And I shouldn’t make her situation about me, but this blog is mine, so I’m going to admit here to feeling a bit hurt at times because I’m finding out that although she’s my best friend, I am not hers. I don’t know if others are pushier and have visited her more lately or if I’m too oversensitive about pushing in, but I’ve not seen her recently although others have. And a few other things. And that’s fine. That’s whatever.

However why aren’t there rules about this? What about a ceremony to acknowledge who the best friend couples are? Why aren’t there rules to say if X is Y’s best friend, then it must be mutual and Y must be X’s best friend. I feel like a teenager who doesn’t know if she should refer to someone as her girlfriend. Is it mutual? Are we exclusive? Should we wear rings or friendship bracelets?

Of course this is ridiculous, but I now wonder: who is my best friend? I think I might actually need one maybe. I think I have a void, and I am hurting. My ‘best friend’ doesn’t have capacity now when I need her. Am I my own best friend? I don’t know if I’m equipped to be my best friend. Other than in this space – which I don’t devote enough time to – I don’t take enough time out to pay attention to myself or require myself to sit down and talk about what is happening in my life. I need a best friend to be outside me and help me know myself not be only reactive. That’s the work part of best friendship – it’s not all wine and dog cuddles.

Anyway, this is a bit half-baked and not thought through, but if it’s the best I can do with the little time I’ve allocated myself. If you’d like a best friend, applications are open.

Categories: Musings