Home > Musings > Sex and IVF Don’t Mix

Sex and IVF Don’t Mix

Through the wonders of modern technology, sex is no longer required in order to concieve.  In fact, the one way my husband and I definately can’t concieve is by having sex.  And at no time in my life have I felt less like having sex than during the past 3 1/2 years of IVF treatment.

This isn’t the same for my husband of course.  His body isn’t constantly being pumped with various hormones and injections and undergoing other painful indignities.  Yes, he does have to have a biopsy every few months, however it doesn’t seem to bother him or make him less inclined to wanting sex.  And how does he seem to deal with the stress of IVF?  Well to me it seems like he wants to deal with it by having sex.  I DON’T.  I have recently had a miscarriage in the second trimester.  Again, he can’t understand me not wanting sex; I can’t imagine it being possible.

My husband has never wanted to talk about our relationship or other problems – just about getting our sex life back on track.  Not that he really wants to talk about it; he just wants me to do it.  To be honest in the past few years it’s like something I put up with to make him happy.  It’s increasingly painful and upsetting.  I am usually holding back tears afterwards while he’s basking in his happy place before going to sleep.

I want to tell him to leave me alone.  I want to tell him that it’s not that I don’t love him, but we’re using my body for something else at the moment and I can’t deal with both at once.  I want to tell him that my body is a traitor and I get no enjoyment from it; my body spends years not letting our embryos implant, then when it finally does it for some reason kills what all the experts say was a perfectly healthy baby and pregnancy.

He wants a baby (or at least says he does) but doesn’t see that it has an impact on me.  I’m physically and emotionally somewhere else.  I hope this is a temporary thing, but to be honest his insisting makes me feel like pushing away and making it permanent.  I want cuddles and physical closeness but am afraid of getting close to him as physical closeness only seems to equate to sex for him.

  1. Bec
    24/01/2011 at 9:53 pm

    I understand how you feel and it’s rough. You know this already I am sure, but I am going to say it, don’t ever do what doesn’t feel right for you at any given moment. Talk to him, at length if you need to, about all of this and he will understand.
    Um, also…does he read your blog? It’s kind of out there now! X

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