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Stress and Random Kindness

I attempted to go back to work for the first time since my miscarriage on Monday.  I didn’t do well, and left the office around noon having cried a bit.  And cried a lot more after I left.  I’m just not good with people yet – not ready to be around them.  My manager and I had had a chat that morning, and he’d sounded like he was happy to be flexible about me coming back to work.  I said I’d get back to him about what I thought was the best way to do it.  So after feeling poo on Tuesday I emailed him on Wednesday morning asking if I could come in for shorter hours and increase my hours over time.  I honestly think this is the best way for me to get back to work.  I’m actually eager to start back as I want to feel like I’m doing normal things again, however I don’t feel ready to do it all at once.  But my manager responded back that he wants me to see a doctor and have a clinical assessment regarding how many hours and over what time blah blah blah.

I don’t want another doctor in my life.  I just want to try to slowly get back to work.  I’m not being a malingerer – if I was I’d be taking up all the leave options I could and not think about working.  But I can’t do anything complicated, can’t involve more doctors in my life.  I don’t want to have to explain myself again.  I was pregnant.  It took me 3 years.  At 14 weeks, when all the doctors had been telling me not to worry, he died.  And so I don’t look at the world the same and don’t like having to talk to people.  I’m better than I was, but I’m not perfect.  I think starting back to work is part of getting better.

I’m finding all of this very upsetting, stressful, and difficult.  I made sure I took my laptop offline, then wrote a meanly short email back to my manager.  I didn’t think about it, but later I went back online.  And now I’m not sure if gmail sent the email when I went back online.  I thought I’d discarded it, but now it shows as sent. Great.

After this, my dog was barking at something out the front window; I saw the Aus Post parcel delivery guy leaving.  I checked the post box, and I had a parcel from an online friend.  She send me a ‘Mini Spa Kit’, with an aromatherapy candle, bath salts, and a little relaxation / day spa book.   Such a lovely random act of kindness – and at the perfect moment.  I’d been crying when it arrived, but I’ve taken a bath with the bath salts and feel mildly better now.  Not great, but better – and when the other options were to feel worse or the same, then better is best!

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