Home > Musings > Dog Date with The Fertile One

Dog Date with The Fertile One

I’m not an infertile who resents every bump she sees.  I do resent and loath every smoking, under-age pregnant bogan I see, but not ‘normal’ people.  Yes, my infertile state is making me horribly judgemental, but when you know that I work closely with a government service that works with abused and neglected children maybe you’d understand where that comes from.  I’m more on the geek side of things, but I hear and see all the stories of people who don’t want to be parents and don’t know how to be parents popping out yet another child the state will have to raise.  It makes you a bit bitter when infertility is ripping your heart out daily, when you know how loved and cared for your own child would be.

She doesn’t feature here as much as in my non-IVF blog, but I have a dog – a gorgeous schnauzer named Lottie.  She was my constant companion when I was home alone after my miscarriage and is such a love.  She helps keep me going when I feel like I can’t; she insists I give love when all I want to do is turn in on myself and be insular.  She does nothing but love me, even when I break her heart by abandoning her all day so I can work to feed and house her.

For the past 6+ months, we meet up with another dog, Felix, every Tuesday evening.  Soon after I found out I was finally pregnant after over 3 years of IVF, Felix’s person found out she was pregnant too – due the day after me.  While I was pregnant it was lovely having someone to exchange notes with and who was at exactly the same stage of pregnancy as me. 

Now of course it hurts.  She’s so healthy and happy, and when I see her bump I can’t help thinking that I should be that happy and look like too.  And it hurts a little too knowing that she’s pregnant despite not thinking it was the right time for her; she’d had an abortion 3 months before this pregnancy and had tried to end this pregnancy with a morning-after pill.  It hurts because she’s young – 26 – and has so many years of fertility ahead of her that she has these choices; I’m nearing 40 and the possibility of motherhood is dimming every day.

Please don’t get me wrong – I’m soo pleased for her.  I’m so pleased to see how happy she is.  I’m thrilled to hear when her scans show all is well and to find out she’s having a girl.  It’s wonderful to know this child will come into the world so loved and will be so well cared for.  And in a strange way her ‘paralell’ pregnancy helps me feel connected to mine, even though it ended so tragically.

Yes, a confusing kaleidoscope of emotions, but if I can’t talk about them here, where can I?

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