Home > Musings > Despair Wins

Despair Wins

Hope is such a fragile thing.  Why does depression and despair have to be so strong in comparison?  For a few days I was actually feeling up and positive.  But all it took was an email from some lovely and well-meaning friends to send me spinning out of control and into a dark valley of depression.

I’m a geocacher and have been for 6 years.  Geocaching is sort of a treasure hunt using GPSr devices and is done all over the world.  During the Easter long weekend, the first Mega event (ie a party with over 500 geocachers) in the southern hemisphere will be taking place.  Originally I thought I wouldn’t be going as I’d be 29 weeks pregnant, but now that I’m not pregnant I should be going, right?  Wrong.  I’m going to be in the middle of doing drugs for a new cycle.  I’d gotten to the point where I was not happy but not threatening to boycott Twitter, facebook, etc for the duration of the event.  And then yesterday I got an email from some friends who realised I wasn’t listed as being registered.  They have a spare room in their apartment and are happy to pick me up from the airport.

I must say I lost it.  I literally put away the quilt I’d started cutting out for our non-existant baby, went up stairs made my dog snuggle up to me, and got completely under the doona, head and all.  And stayed there having quite the childish little fist.  It’s just so unfair.  I’ve done so much – why can’t I be a mother to a live baby?  And if I really can’t, why can’t I just have my life back?!

  1. 29/03/2010 at 10:49 am

    I’m so sorry. I know how little it takes to send you spiraling down. I hope that you find your piece of sunshine soon, I truly truly do.

  2. 29/03/2010 at 1:08 pm

    Oh, I’m so sorry. I remember feeling like this after a similar chain of events … cheated, and angry, and so very sad, all at the same time. *hug* to you … it’s not childish at all.

  3. a
    30/03/2010 at 12:39 am

    Sometimes despair wins, but most of the time hope wins…

  4. 30/03/2010 at 2:16 am

    I am sooo sorry! I read your post and got all teary eyed. I know how you are feeling. I wish there was something to say, but I’m not sure what. I just hope that this dispair and hopelessness will be worth it one day! Try to keep up the hope!! I look forward to “getting to know you” via your blog.

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