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Still Here

Yes, I’m still here.  I had a few things I wanted to post about last week, but for some reason with ICLW felt obligated to interrupt my normal ‘programming’ to put a welcome post – which became 2 posts – and then felt like I had to add a ‘What If’ post for Project IF.  And I have found so far that I can’t.  I have too many ‘what ifs’ in my life,  and they are swamping me.  The pressure of them is just too great.  I wrote several posts in my head but couldn’t actually write and post them.  The pressure of it all would just crush me.  today I realised I DON’T have to write a post for anyone else.  I’d like to participate in Project IF, but maybe I won’t.  Maybe I will, but maybe I won’t – and that’s fine.  I feel a little relieved.

So, some of the other things going on for me right now.  I’m in the middle of the two week wait.  Last Monday I had my lonely, pathetic little embryo transferred.  And next Tuesday the 4th of May is my test date.  Monday was a rather horrid day for me, even aside from the transfer.  The day before was 4 months since my boy died, and the day after was the 3rd anniversary of my dog Snuva dying.  So it was all set to be an emotional time.

And I’ve been a basket case ever since.  But I shouldn’t be.  I can’t say that’s I’m upset about any one thing, but I seem to do nothing but fight back tears lately.  I honestly think it’s the Crinone.  I’m not expecting this cycle to work, so am not so stressed or upset by the upcoming failure.  (Although I’m sure it will be upsetting when it is confirmed.)  Have you ever read the consumer info for Crinone?  Not good at all.  For those who have never suffered through Crinone torture, I shall quote from the consumer info for you:

Tell your doctor if you notice any of the other following side effects when using CRINONE:
Very common side effects

  • cramps, abdominal pain, perineal pain (around the genital & the back passage)
  • headache
  • breast enlargement or breast pain
  • feelings of severe sadness and unworthiness, decreased sexual drive, sleepiness, feeling emotional
  • constipation, nausea
  • passing urine at night

Common side effects

  • bloating, pain
  • dizziness
  • vaginal discharge, itching of the vaginal area, vaginal thrush
  • diarrhoea, vomiting
  • painful sexual intercourse
  • painful joints

This is not a complete list of all possible side effects. Others may occur in some people and there may be some side effects not yet known.

Charming, isn’t it?  I bet you’re all mad-keen to get your hands on some.  And then there’s the bit they don’t even mention:  cottage cheese.  Guess where.  Ugh.

On Saturday I took a brief walk on Mt Wellington.  The weather was rather violent, which matched my mood wonderfully.  But the was was lovely and the views spectacular.  I’d feel lucky I live here except luck has nothing to do with it.  I moved to paradise on purpose.  Sorry this has been such a disjointed post, but here’s a photo from Saturday as your reward for getting to the end of it:

View from the Zig Zag Track

Categories: Musings
  1. a
    27/04/2010 at 12:39 pm

    That is a fantastic photo – something you should keep for any time you’re feeling out of sorts.

    Also, do you read Pioneer Woman? Because she has photo contests, her current theme is landscapes, and I don’t know if you could win internationally, but I think this fantastic shot should be entered into competition.

  2. 27/04/2010 at 12:44 pm

    It’s okay if you don’t post for the What IF project. Do what you are able to do. So sorry things have been tough for you. I had a cycle with one embryo (he was pathetic also..) and those were a Loonnnggg two weeks. I am so sorry that things have to be all over the place for you right now.

    On the positive- what an amazing photograph! Can i come visit?

    • 27/04/2010 at 12:58 pm

      Absolutely. Come visit and I’ll take you on some amazing bushwalks! We have spare rooms. 🙂

  3. 27/04/2010 at 11:46 pm

    I’m a ICLW visitor, and I just wanted to wish you all the best for your 2ww and I hope you’ll get a miracle bfp next week!

  4. 28/04/2010 at 1:43 am

    hun i understand the crinone depression. i felt sooooo depressed on it, i cried my eyes out every single day. i’m going to talk to bill about it on tuesday 4th of may which is my next date in this ivf process. i will be certainly keeping everything crossed for you on that day too. big hugs, not long to wait now xxx anne

  5. 28/04/2010 at 2:41 am

    Beautiful photo!!
    Good luck with the 2 week wait. Its the hardest part of all of this. THinking of you!

  6. 28/04/2010 at 5:35 am

    I am praying this transfer did work…but, I know dreaming that it did makes the let down even harder if it didn’t!! Hey, I’m your April Secret pal!! I need your address to mail you a little something I picked up for you. Could you email it to me?? trishaweatherford@live.com

  7. 28/04/2010 at 11:00 pm

    Stopping by from ICLW and I have read a bit of your blog. I’m sorry for your loss and although I know you don’t feel positive about this cycle you really never know. I hate crinone too!!! I only used it once and asked to be switched back to the pessaries and PIO. Sending you love and sticky vibes, Fran

  8. 28/04/2010 at 11:36 pm

    Last day of ICLW & hoping for the best for all the participants, including you. I feel for you and for the uncertainty that you face. The “failure” of your first pregnancy, while albeit extremely difficult, showed that you are capable of a pregnancy. I have frequently transferred one embryo into patients filled with despair & that embryo ends up being the one. I hope your journey is going to end soon & with success for you both. Good luck!

  9. 29/04/2010 at 1:46 pm

    Hey sweetie, what a gorgeous photo! I’m so glad you were able to choose to live where you wanted. I’m sorry you’re feeling so awful on the Crinone. Thanks for being honest and posting all of this. I’m here waiting with you til the awful 2ww is over.

  10. Me
    04/05/2010 at 3:30 pm

    Oh that picture sure makes me miss Tassie and wish that we hadn’t sold our house there, *sigh* one day I’ll get back there.

    Big hugs


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