Home > Musings > Here. . .sort of

Here. . .sort of

Much silence from me, but it was to avoid screaming at the world.  If you’ve been following this blog, you’ll know my last BFN was devastating – it felt like I’d not only lost another baby but had lost my dear little Blobby again.  And makes me feel like our dream of a live birth really will never be more than a dream.

Just when I was feeling at the lowest point in my life, things got worse.  I found out something about someone close to me that makes me feel like I don’t know that person, like they are not the person I thought they were.  So not only do I have the pain of missing my little boy, but also the pain of missing someone I’ve relied on.  My mind reevaluates our whole relationship in light of this new knowledge.  My brain won’t trust the now or the future – if the past was a lie, why not the future.

And there was a huge ‘issue’ with my husband’s family.  Which seemed enormous at the time, but at the moment I honestly have no capacity to care about them.

Sunday was my husband and my 4th wedding anniversary.  You’d think that would be one spot of brightness in this bleak time.  However it also marked 1 month from when our boy should have been due.

I’m down enough world – stop kicking me!!

Categories: Musings
  1. 18/05/2010 at 8:54 pm

    I am sorry that everything is not going that well for you. The bfn is hard enough, then throw in all the other things happening in your life and I can understand how you must feel. Overwhelmed, angry, hurt and sad…

    Thinking about you and sending many hugs as you move foreward.

  2. 19/05/2010 at 12:42 am

    Sorry to hear things are really tough for your right now. I agree, IVF BFN’s are so much worse, they bring back all of those old loss memories. Sorry to hear other things are hard right now too. It feels so unfair. Sending many positive vibes and hugs in your direction. Do something nice for yourself, maybe a massage or something?

  3. 19/05/2010 at 1:45 pm

    sending you loads and loads of love and huge warm bear hugs xxx anne

  4. 20/05/2010 at 1:07 pm

    I am just devastated for you that you are feeling this down. I wish there was more I could do than just write you comments on here but it will have to do. That is such an awful situation to be in with your friend, obviously from the way you have described it you can’t be any more specific, which I understand on a blog. I hope you and DH can be there for each other and he can maybe cheer you up a bit. Thinking of you-all the time!

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