Home > Donor Conception > A Momentum All Its Own

A Momentum All Its Own

Less than a week after my last failed cycle, and I’m in an unexpected place: in contact with a potential egg donor.  I don’t want to talk about this or her specifically at the moment, but about the other feelings I have around it.

Last week after yet another BFN I wasn’t in a great please.  I didn’t know what to do, whether I wanted to do another IVF cycle or whether I just wanted to stop and try to regain some health while waiting for a donor.  I didn’t even know if I wanted to exist or keep trying anything.  I was feeling very low.  In the end I decided to gear up for another cycle in August but to tell myself it would be the last.  In August I was going to start seriously advertising locally for an egg donor.

Through unforseen circumstances, I may have found an egg donor already.  And now I’m having trouble re-adjusting my mind to that.  I signed up for the donor programme with TasIVF in the middle of my last cycle, but I haven’t heard anything from the donor coordinator yet.  I wasn’t too worried as we’re last on the list so it’s not like they would find a donor for me quickly, so it didn’t matter that we hadn’t filled out anything but the registration form or started any of the counselling sessions.  In fact all we knew about the program was what we could imply from the registration form and from a couple minute phone conversation I had with the donor coordinator.  Part of me is now hoping things can’t get done quickly and I can have that last cycle with my own eggs.

Suddenly I’m in mourning for my last cycle with my own eggs.  I didn’t realise my last cycle might be that cycle.  Suddenly I’m worried that any potential child will not regard me as his or her real mum.  Suddenly I’m worried that my family won’t accept my child as part of their family (not that I think they’ll care about this child either way).  Suddenly I’m worried that a generous stranger might try to become overly involved in my child’s life.  Yes, these are all worries I had as soon as we contemplated an ovum donor.  But it seems worse when it’s not an anonymous donor arranged by the clinic.  It seems strange to be trusting what a stranger is telling you.  It seems strange that someone would make this opportunity available for me.  I’m having trouble trusting motivations.

The potential donor seems perfect so far.  I would be stupid not to pursue this – really stupid.  And if I did another cycle with my own eggs instead of taking this new turn in the journey I know how upset I’ll be when the inevitable BFN comes.  It just takes time for the mind to re-adjust, and I haven’t had that time yet.

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  1. 13/07/2010 at 7:03 pm

    wow disa, this is huge. i’m assuming she’s a known donor. sometimes things are good when you don’t have too much time to think about them, like, you’ve just been offered a free trip to new york for a month leaving tomorrow. you’d take it up and sort other logistical stuff out like work etc later. ofcourse you would, too good to pass up. and well, you could take this approach with going with your donor, but i think because it has much more lasting ramifications , if it were me, i would think of every logistic possible and give yourself a good solid foundation with which to make your decision. this includes emotional considerations too ofcourse. see it for the wonderful opportunity it could be and decide if you are ready yet for that next step. does it mean you can’t still try for your own later? perhaps the road doesn’t have to end with her. think about her involvement and what you want and make sure it can all be legally binding. can she become registered through tas ivf so she has to adhere to the same guidelines as all other donors? i can’t imagine how you are feeling right now, but try not to look at it as the end of your fertility as you will still have options to do another cycle i’m sure. and ofcourse the child will know you and love you as there mother, you will have carried them and birthed them, your blood has flowed through their body, your body has sustained them, need i say more. good luck with your decision making disa, and hey, congratulations honey its really amazing news too, loads of love, anne

  2. 14/07/2010 at 12:51 am

    This is a very big deal. It may take some time to adjust, and yes, that’s a lot to process all at once. Especially since your BFN was not that long ago. I can relate to some of your questions, as I consider adoption myself, and had considered DE, it helped for me a lot to talk to women who had been through it.

    Thinking of you-
    Jess

  3. 14/07/2010 at 2:17 am

    wow, this is a tough one. I understand why you’d want things to move slowly. On the other hand, sometimes I feel like karma intervenes for a reason … not that it makes it any less difficult to hold on to our old dreams. I’m thinking of you.

  4. 14/07/2010 at 9:26 am

    Wow, what a surprise! I understand this is a huge decision and one you definitely don’t want to make lightly. I agree with pretty much everything Anne said. It’s not just that you will have carried this child but they will be raised by you and shaped by the experiences you all have as a family. S/he will be yours, regardless of genetics. I really hope DH is supporting you through this and helping you with the decision, but if you need more support and people who understand please vent on here-or email me. Love

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