Home > Donor Conception > Putting on the Breaks

Putting on the Breaks

I’m walking away from the potential donor.

We found each other because she had placed an ad in the local paper.  Which of course made me wonder why she’d done that rather than contact TasIVF.  I figured her motivation for doing that was either she wanted to have more control over who her eggs go to or she wanted money.  For those of you in countries where this is different, egg donation in Australia and New Zealand is altruistic and it is illegal to either offer or request payment.

We’ve been corresponding via email since Saturday.  She seems a great donor: 28, similar ancestral background to me (i.e. northern european mutt), has an 11 month old daughter, healthy, attractive, in her photos seems to have good hair (the only thing I feel I have to offer genetically to a child I might have is healthy hair), etc.  She’s talked a lot about wanting to help a family and wanting to find the right people.  She’s talked about how she knows others who have donated and done a lot of research into it and what to expect.

This morning I had another email from her.  She’s recently joined a forum for Australian egg donors (I’m on it too) and has come to realise that the $5000 worth of ‘gifts’ her friend told her she received for donating isn’t the normal thing but a way to get around the legal issues.  She sent me a very nice email explaining that if I didn’t realise this is what she’s getting at (she once asked about ‘paid expenses’ and I let her know she’d never see a bill from TasIVF – that’s how it works with them) her main motivation for donating is compensation.

I don’t know why anyone would donate without compensation unless they’ve suffered infertility themselves.  Really.  I don’t think any less of her for asking; she’s trying to do her best for herself and her daughter and feels that her eggs are something she can use to help ameliorate their life.  But I don’t feel comfortable doing something that’s either illegal or something that side-steps potential legal issues.  I don’t want that to be the basis of how I start my family.

Maybe I’ll regret it one day.  The waiting list at TasIVF is long and there are few donors.  Stepping away from this donor could mean I don’t have a child.  Maybe that’s being melodramatic, but that’s what it felt like a few minutes ago when I sent her an email saying we weren’t interested any more.  I tried to do it as nicely as possible – as I said, I really don’t think any less of her.  It’s just not a loop in this roller coaster I’m willing to take.

Thanks for the comments yesterday.  You all really help me so much I don’t know how to express it.  Lately it’s been so hard for me to talk to people directly.  Often this blog feels like talking to myself, and is exactly what I need – to just send these words off to get them outside of me.  But the comments yesterday helped me so much.  This isn’t easy, but I don’t feel so alone.

So anyway, we’re back to me now.  Me and my sub-standard eggs.  And the waiting list, long though it is.

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  1. a
    14/07/2010 at 12:03 pm

    It’s probably a good idea to walk away – starting off from a questionable point would add stress to the whole situation. I hope that you won’t regret anything, because this is a wise choice.

    I also hope that you either find some good eggs or the waiting list moves quickly.

  2. 14/07/2010 at 12:13 pm

    I think that this was the right choice … your family should be founded on love, and honesty … and that’s not what this choice offers you.

    One step at a time. I will hope that the waiting list doesn’t make you wait long.

  3. 14/07/2010 at 8:51 pm

    ha i know what you mean about it being hard to talk to people directly, i’m looking very pasty lately and definitely need to get out into the world and interact more with actual people!! lol. whatever decision you have made regarding your dona, disa is right. you can’t go wrong here. you are still on thetas ivf waiting list and i assume you may still get other offers from the donor forum/website ? be picky, it could take meeting a few until that perfect one turns up. in the meantime, you can still think about another cycle if you wanted to do that and you’ll be moving up the donor list with tas ivf. i have a few women who i will ask to donate, not certain they will say yes but i’ll try. at least this experience has made you consider this option more seriously than you may have before and perhaps you have a better idea of the road, or roller coaster track that lays ahead of you, much love, anne xxx

  4. 15/07/2010 at 12:02 am

    If it didn’t feel right, then it sounds like this wasn’t the way to go. It’s interesting how different the policies are different from country to country. I hope that this all works out for you so you can feel comfortable with your decision.

  5. 16/07/2010 at 12:40 pm

    I think you’re making the right choice and I truly believe that when one door closes, another opens. Maybe the right person will come forward and want to donate to you, because they really understand.

  6. 18/07/2010 at 9:50 pm

    Yes sweetie, definitely right to walk away, although I know it’s really scary to think about whether this means you’ll be childless. I hope so dearly that it isn’t the case and one of your eggs steps up and ends this for you!! It definitely seems questionable legally so I understand your concern there too. Honestly, you’re probably right that the only people who do it altruistically have gone through infertility previously. Just keep hanging on-I guess you’re cycling again in August? If you are we will be cycle buddies, which will be good cos I’m sure I’ll need your sage advice. Remember I’m just an email or whatever away if you need me and that is for always!

  7. 29/07/2010 at 10:03 am

    Oh this is so hard. I really feel for you. I think you made the right choice though, I agree with Justine. I don’t think you are being melodramatic at all.

    It frustrates me so much that we don’t have regulated, commerical surrogacy and egg donation here in Auustralia. We seem to be so far behind the times in this regard.

    I hope that a wonderful new donor comes forward or you shoot straight to the top of that waiting list.

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