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‘Just’ Relax?!

I’ve come to the conclusion that I have lost the ability to relax.  Totally, completely.

Last week I had my first acupuncture appointment.  You’d think that an opportunity to get horizontal and do nothing in the middle of a work day would be a golden opportunity for relaxation.  Not me – I fidgeted, worried I was going to break off the acupuncture needles, worried the doctor was secretly observing me and I’d failed because of my fidgeting, etc etc.  Such an active (and counterproductive) brain!  I had my second appointment this morning and didn’t do much better.

Saturday I had my first hair cut in over 1 1/2 years.  Yes, I have my dog groomed punctually every 3 months, but my hair had not been touched by scissors since the 1st week in January 2009.  That’s when I decided to stop using the semi-permanent die on my hair just in case it had any influence over fertility, so without a regular reason to go I just stopped.  And I’d forgotten how relaxing it is.  The girl who washed my hair really massaged my head for a while – not just massaging the shampoo or conditioner in, but she took extra time for a head massage.  And I found it hard to cope.  I’m just not programmed for relaxing any more.  It was lucky that I was in a semi horizontal position with my head getting wet as the tears welling up in my eyes couldn’t run down my face.  And any stray eye moisture could be blamed on splashes of water.  Relax just doesn’t feel right.

But I’m trying.  I’ve been walking to work lately, which is rather relaxing.  I’m a bushwalker, but with various things like IVF in my life just haven’t been doing it as much as I like to.  So this at least gets me walking regularly through beautiful scenery and lets me take a stupid number of photos.  But of course it leave my mind unoccupied and able to travel the well-worm paths to my grief and stress.  I don’t know the road out as I travelled it too long ago and the route isn’t on my GPSr.  I’ll just keep searching.

  1. 22/07/2010 at 11:40 am

    I know exactly what you mean. I also haven’t had my hair cut in about a year. It’s ridiculously long. My husband naps regularly on the weekends. When he naps, I have to find something to do. Even in yoga class, during savasana (final rest) my mind is so busy. Are there particular smells that make you relax, I wonder? Have you ever had a full body massage? (That can be weird the first time, too, so that’s not necessarily useful, I guess.)

    Walking is good, though. I’ve read some things about “walking meditation” that Buddhist monks do … I wonder, given your penchant for walking/searching for things, if that might be a helpful approach.

    Don’t give up just yet.

  2. Meg
    22/07/2010 at 6:33 pm

    Oh yes! Relaxing is something I am no longer good at either. I’ve also been doing acupuncture for the last few weeks and everyone told me how relaxing it would be. One friend even said how she would fall asleep every time. Not me, I lie there wondering if my feet smell, how much longer til time is up, is it actually doing anything or am I just wasting my time and money?

    Anyway, good luck with it all. I hope the knack of relaxing is something we can learn again one day soon. xo

  3. a
    23/07/2010 at 1:13 am

    But walking, while leaving your mind free, does give you a side-effect of an outlet for the grief and stress. I can’t do any “stress-relieving” activity – I read to escape. I play computer games to escape. That might put off thinking about the things that are bothering me, but I don’t actually deal with them, and so the stress is still there. I find that after I go for a walk and stew about something that’s bothering me, I come back tired, but slightly more at peace.

  4. 25/07/2010 at 2:35 pm

    I’m just like the other commenters. I could have written this post! I am more the kind of person who takes ages to get to sleep because her mind is racing. Luckily once I drop off I’m pretty much out but then when I wake up I’m back into it!! I think the walking is definitely a good thing, maybe to stop the grief and stress from rearing its ugly head could you listen to something happy and upbeat on your Ipod? Anyway that’s probably a crap suggestion but I find it does help me! Glad you finally had your hair cut-hopefully it made you feel fresh! BTW hope the calendar shows up 🙂 Take care

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