Home > Stim Cycle #14 > Just Another Day of Stimming

Just Another Day of Stimming

Tonight is my 5th night of injections for this my 14th stim cycle, and I’m already running out of places to inject myself.  And tonight there will be 4 injections: 2 x Gonal-F, 1 x Luveris, and 1 x Cetrotide.  It’s not like I don’t have a large tummy (4+ years of IVF have certainly helped its expansion) – there’s just too may injections for one person.  Too bad I can’t off-load some to my husband.

I feel compelled to write – to communicate – but don’t know what to say.  So I’m just going to blather on; don’t feel that you have to read on!

It’s been one of those days when I’ve gone to some friends’ blogs as soon as I’ve gotten onto the computer as there were things I wanted to know how they’d gone – like wanting to read the next chapter in the book – and for some the news was great and for others the news is just plain rotten.  I feel all mixed up and caught up in these stories and these lives.  I don’t know if it’s a way to avoid thinking of my own story and situation or a natural result of being a connected community of people who understand what each other is going through.  And sometimes I don’t know how much I should reach out.  Some I have phone numbers for, but I don’t know if a phone call would help or re-open the pain.  When I’ve been at my most down I haven’t wanted to talk to anyone – but that’s not how everyone reacts.

I sound like a basket case, but I don’t think I am.  Lately in the meat world I tend to keep things together, no matter what is happening under the surface.  So much so that I think people think I’m better than I am and I’m being pushed into things I’m not really ready for but don’t know how to stop and say ‘no’.    One of the big ones I actually think this IVF cycle will help me get me out of – a system going live that after my miscarriage I requested I not work with.  Yesterday I was asked if I was OK to do some things with the project now, and somehow I couldn’t say ‘you may think I’m OK on the surface but please don’t make me do this’.  I said OK to travelling to the NW of the state so when the system goes live someone will be there for staff to talk to.  ‘Luckily’ my next ovum pick up will probably make this impossible.  What a coward I am, but it’s easier to say that I can’t go because I’ll be recovering from having my guts poked then to say that I just can’t face helping people record child abuse and neglect on the information system I helped develop all those many months ago.

Sigh.  Sorry, an aimless post but I’m feeling aimless.  Here I am in the middle of IVF cycle 14.  I’ve been doing IVF since 2006.  Today has been 8 months since my son Blobby died and 2 months since my last ovum pick up.  How did I get here?

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  1. 18/08/2010 at 12:49 pm

    Thinking of you…

  2. 18/08/2010 at 7:02 pm

    Just a big hug to you. I understand how difficult it is.

  3. 19/08/2010 at 4:39 am

    Tasivfer, first, I’m glad that you keep trying to comment on my blog, even though blogger hasn’t been very nice about your WP credentials.

    Regarding the system you helped to develop … whatever helps you to protect yourself is OK. Eight months is really not a long time, especially given that you’re still going through cycles. I suspect that the spirit heals more slowly when your body doesn’t have “down” time, too.

    About not knowing what to write and reaching out … I wrote something similar in response to a post of Melissa’s, but it’s something like this: blogging is simultaneously a very public and private act. We are here because (in most cases) we are writing for ourselves. We *need* to write. On the other hand, we choose to write here, where people can respond … so as much as it’s for us, it’s also for other people. I joined this community partly in grief, and found it comforting to (as Mel put it) “touch [others’] grief”; but I didn’t feel like I was “jumping into” it, because I had been invited there, simply by virtue of the fact that the grief was in a public space that actively solicits the reader’s response.

    I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why I started blogging. After all, there are plenty of ALI blogs and food blogs and mommy blogs and pregnancy blogs and WOHM blogs and people who take better pictures and write more eloquently than I do. And the only thing I can say to justify myself is that I blog for me, and hope that it touches someone else. So when we grieve or heal or think online, it is an intensely private act … but in a public space where we hope that perhaps it can be of some use.

    We need to trust our own empathy. I’d like to believe that every time you reach out, you give a gift to the writer/speaker/friend, even if you’re not quite sure what to say. I know that’s how I feel when people reach out to me, anyway.

    (And sorry for the long post!)

  4. 19/08/2010 at 12:14 pm

    Oh, sweetie 😦 Sending lots of hugs and support your way! I still find myself flabbergasted that people who haven’t been through IF think that loss is just something we can “get over” quickly. They’ll never understand that it’s something that will always be with us. Sure, maybe someday our souls will heal enough to move on and participate in things. But 8 months is not long enough to heal. I’m praying for you that you can get out of working with the project. It is a very worthy project, but one that I feel you need a little distance from. Love you!

  5. a
    19/08/2010 at 2:23 pm

    Healing takes a lot of time, and don’t let anyone tell you it doesn’t. It’s hard to keep plugging away when you haven’t even totally processed the past, and you haven’t finished grieving Blobby. Give yourself a break – you’re doing fine.

    And the work project…sounds like something you should avoid at all costs.

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