Home > Musings > Infertile Love

Infertile Love

Before Blobby died, I didn’t hang out with other infertiles online.  The few times I had a look around I only ever found forums or blogs that didn’t appeal to me at all.  When I was pregnant, while I was googling my obstetrician (as you do) I found a forum thread of patients of my FS.  I didn’t want to interfere, but I dropped in a quick comment as a success story – 4 years and 10 cycles and finally a healthy low-risk pregnancy, blah blah.    After my miscarriage, I went back for support.  Around that time I also started this blog.  I found gentle non-threatening support (at the time I couldn’t be near humans – I couldn’t even go grocery shopping without thinking everyone was staring at me).  And of course I got to know other bloggers also and eventually realised I was part of this community.

Yesterday I had a horrid day at work.  It wasn’t because of anything fertility related, but I’m sure giving myself 4 injections a night of various hormones didn’t help how I felt.  My husband and I walk to / from work*, and when he was FINALLY ready to head home I left the office, still mulling over the stupidity of what had gone on in my office during the day.  I was waiting for the light to change at an intersection not really paying attention to what was happening around me when a voice next to me said ‘I hope I didn’t upset you’.  It was some pregnant woman, and I don’t know if when I looked at her I looked puzzled or upset or what, but she immediately told me she recognised me from the IVF Unit** and that it had taken her 18 months of treatment to get pregnant.  I knew she thought I’d find that a consolation and was trying to help me, so I had enough strength to tell her I was in my 5th year of IVF and 14 th stim cycle and that work and probably too many hormone injections were my trouble, not her bump.  She gave me a quick hug, told me she wished my all the best for this cycle, and the light changed and we were both on our way in different directions.  I called out ‘thank you!’ to her and headed towards the place where my husband was waiting for me, fighting back tears.  He didn’t notice, and I didn’t mention this meeting to him.  I don’t think he’d understand how I’d been touched by this brief encounter with someone who has trodden the same path with me.

But I think most of the people who read this will understand.  And as I was walking home I realised that although I thanked that random bump woman, I don’t thank you enough for your hugs and encouraging words.  This journey has always been difficult, but since Blobby’s death it’s been almost impossible.  You each help.  You don’t know how much (hint: a LOT).  THANK YOU.  I don’t have friends in the world I can talk about this to.  Maybe if I did I wouldn’t be able to talk to them about it; the words are too hard to form with my mouth.  But here I’m free to get things off my chest and get some love back, often when I least expect it.

Thank you.

* If you’re interested, you can see photos of my walk to work here.  Or blog posts about it here occasionally.

**  If you think it’s a huge coincidence that I bumped into someone from the same IVF clinic I go to, don’t.  I live in Tasmania – Australia’s island state.  I like that it’s small, that I don’t have insane commutes like when I lived in Paris or London or California or Sydney but that it still gets international visitors.  But it can also be rather small-town-ish.  Someone once described living in Hobart like watching a play by a small amateur theatre group.  Everyone plays more than one role, so the person you work with was also your nasty neighbour’s best man as well as your brother-in-law’s flatmate during uni.

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  1. bir
    20/08/2010 at 6:53 pm

    Just wanted to pop in and say I’m here!
    What a meeting – with the bump! Nice of her to “acknowledge” and “notice”, but I know even “nice” can be tough to handle sometimes!
    Love your description of Tas – I’m in Canberra, and believe me, it is a very similar amateur play! You wouldn’t think it was the capital of the country that’s for sure!!

    14 cycles – are they handing out medals? Not that you WANT a medal, I know, but sheesh… I don’t think you even need to blame the hormones… you’ve earned your stripes!! Thinking of you x

  2. 20/08/2010 at 7:45 pm

    I’m sorry you had such a bad day. What a lovely blessing though, to meet that woman!

    I absolutely loved your description of living in Hobart! It made me laugh 🙂 I live in a place so small I am guaranteed to run into someone I know in my doctor’s office sooner or later.

  3. 20/08/2010 at 11:45 pm

    sorry i haven’t been around, i used up my self regulated monthly internet usage downloading illegal movies….. bad me. y’know i’m wondering if i’ve bumped into you at the clinic? you are very illusive and i can’t find a pic of you anywhere, but i like to think we had egg retrievals together once. you are a champion and a real inspiration. lovely to have met you on the blogosphere. the timing of meeting you on here along with a couple of other ladies was a saving grace to me, always thankful and thinking of you xxx

  4. 21/08/2010 at 12:22 am

    It’s nice to have someone acknowledge the bump effect at least.

    Wishing you good vibes for all of those injections…

  5. a
    21/08/2010 at 8:59 am

    Sometimes the universe sends the right thing at the right time…

  6. 21/08/2010 at 12:33 pm

    We’re all in this lifeboat together … I think we just take turns bailing out the water. I’m glad that she realized what her pregnancy might mean to you, and offered you support. It’s times like this you almost have to believe in karma.

  7. 21/08/2010 at 2:31 pm

    I wish you all the luck in the world. I went through several stim cycles and they were no picnic.

    Since I was already 39 when we married we didnt have a very wide open window. After years of trying we became foster parents and now we have a daughter who is four that we have had since her infancy.

    I hope you become a mommy soon

  8. 21/08/2010 at 4:13 pm

    The blogging community is really wonderful – so many times I’ve wanted to gather up all my readers and give them a huge hug. So glad you are finding support here too 🙂

    Those pictures are beautiful! I love the glassy water and the mountains and the boats and oh it all looks so peaceful. Wonderful shots.

  9. thecrazycatwoman
    22/08/2010 at 2:18 pm

    What a lovely post. The internet is a wonderful thing! Your description of Hobart is spot on.

  10. 22/08/2010 at 5:17 pm

    Thank-you. Let’s try this again.

    Hi, fellow Aussie here (now living in Europe) from ICLW. I was so sorry to read about your loss of little Blobby. I hope this cycle brings you new hope.

  11. 24/08/2010 at 4:06 am

    That encounter is so uplifting, even though I’m sure it was hard to see yet another baby bump. At least the woman took a minute to comfort you. We all can use support from one another through this ugly journey.

    ICLW #92

  12. Aileen
    13/04/2011 at 12:48 pm

    I am from the Philippines and i went to Hobart especially to get IVF treatment from Dr. Bill Watkins. I love him, he’s a wonderful doctor and seems like such a sincere and caring person. My OPU was March 23rd 2011, had 2 embryos put in on March 25th but then i got my period on 8th of April, 3 days before my HPT was due, so it was not a successful treatment. I’m hoping to give it another go sometime in the near future but because I don’t live in Hobart, my husband and i probably won’t be able to afford to go there again to get treatment from Dr. Watkins. Our other option is to do it here in the Philippines but it is saddening to me that i can’t take advantage of Dr. Watkins’ expertise anymore. The women of Hobart who need IVF are really very lucky to have someone like Dr. Watkins available to them. Wish you the best in your IVF journey.

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