More Love Comes from Love
Yesterday I was sitting in my herb garden weeding. It was a sunny, warm spring day. My dog Lottie was in the lawn not far from me, sniffing away as dogs do. My husband got out the lawn mower and started it up; Lottie was startled and immediately ran to me and jumped into my lap. When I gave her a reassuring hug and started petting her, she started wagging her silly tail and smiling. She did a Velcro impersonation; I couldn’t get her off my lap. The lawn mower had startled her, but on my lap she felt happy and secure. I love her so much, but I wish she wasn’t the only young one around who looked to me for reassurance when the world becomes too scary.
I had a really, really busy weekend, but not the type of busy that occupies the mind. I hired a skip bin which we filled with the shrubs and tree we’ve recently grubbed out for my expanded edible garden. We also lifted 88 years of vinyl and linoleum flooring from our kitchen. And I did a lot of weeding and general garden maintenance. All things that occupy the hands and body but leave your mind free to wander. And boy did my mind wander.
It’s hard for me to know what I want to do now. I don’t have any confidence in the IVF clinic we’ve been going to. I don’t know if an egg donor is the answer. What if I have a high level of natural killer cells? It would make using an egg donor just a waste of money, time, effort, and the scarce donor egg resource. I don’t know where to turn. And of course there’s a bit of grief I have to go through if we don’t use my eggs. Most of me is completely fine with it, but of course there is part of me that needs to go through the grieving and adjust.
I do wish that my dog Lottie was enough. She loves me completely. She will always love me with the uncomplicated love of a toddler. I love her so much, but it is as if love just multiplies and seeks more outlets. I want to have a living child to love. I’m not one of those people who has always been clucky. When my husband and I started going out he told me he’d had a vasectomy and we wouldn’t have a child together. At that point I was fine with it. But a few years later when we married we were both at the point where we desperately wanted to have a child together. More love comes from love. And after having Blobby. . .I love him so much and have so much love to give to another child.