Home > Musings > More Love Comes from Love

More Love Comes from Love

Yesterday I was sitting in my herb garden weeding.  It was a sunny, warm spring day.  My dog Lottie was in the lawn not far from me, sniffing away as dogs do.  My husband got out the lawn mower and started it up; Lottie was startled and immediately ran to me and jumped into my lap.  When I gave her a reassuring hug and started petting her, she started wagging her silly tail and smiling.  She did a Velcro impersonation; I couldn’t get her off my lap.  The lawn mower had startled her, but on my lap she felt happy and secure.  I love her so much, but I wish she wasn’t the only young one around who looked to me for reassurance when the world becomes too scary.

I had a really, really busy weekend, but not the type of busy that occupies the mind.  I hired a skip bin which we filled with the shrubs and tree we’ve recently grubbed out for my expanded edible garden.  We also lifted 88 years of vinyl and linoleum flooring from our kitchen.  And I did a lot of weeding and general garden maintenance.  All things that occupy the hands and body but leave your mind free to wander.  And boy did my mind wander.

It’s hard for me to know what I want to do now.  I don’t have any confidence in the IVF clinic we’ve been going to.  I don’t know if an egg donor is the answer.  What if I have a high level of natural killer cells?  It would make using an egg donor just a waste of money, time, effort, and the scarce donor egg resource.  I don’t know where to turn.  And of course there’s a bit of grief I have to go through if we don’t use my eggs.  Most of me is completely fine with it, but of course there is part of me that needs to go through the grieving and adjust.

I do wish that my dog Lottie was enough.  She loves me completely.  She will always love me with the uncomplicated love of a toddler.  I love her so much, but it is as if love just multiplies and seeks more outlets.  I want to have a living child to love.  I’m not one of those people who has always been clucky.  When my husband and I started going out he told me he’d had a vasectomy and we wouldn’t have a child together.  At that point I was fine with it.  But a few years later when we married we were both at the point where we desperately wanted to have a child together.  More love comes from love.  And after having Blobby. . .I love him so much and have so much love to give to another child.

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Categories: Musings
  1. 27/09/2010 at 6:59 pm

    This is the most beautiful post and is exactly how I feel too. I think it doesn’t matter that you changed your mind even if you knew he’d had a vasectomy-you’re allowed to! That was such a great description of Lottie running over to you. How sweet, wish I could have been there. If you want to come up here I can show you around and recommend a doc, if you want those tests before moving on I think that’s fair. Take care & huge (((HUGS)))

  2. 27/09/2010 at 7:55 pm

    oh, how sweet. Sounds like a lovely weekend.

    I think it would be very wise to consult with another doc before doing any more transfers. You can always make some calls to the Melbourne clinics or to Dr S and set up a phone appointment.

    Thinking of you. 🙂

  3. 27/09/2010 at 10:56 pm

    hi disa, i find working in the garden , on living things to be so consoling, although yes i get the mind wondering thing totally. little lottie sounds like a real cutie sookie dog like our family dog. i love them that way. tasivf hmmmm they are not my friend right now (long story) but needless to say i feel for you and where you are at . if you were seeing other drs about a medical condition would you seek out a second opinion? if you can get on the books of another clinic or even get an appointment with a great fertility specialist i would do it. even just for a once over and a discussion about further testing and options. it never hurts to hear someone else’s perspective and even if they say the same thing as bill at least you will have restored confidence in him. how long do you have to make your mind up about the donor? i guess your big question is can my body hold a pregnancy? its a tough one but perhaps there is someone out there who can help get you closer to the answer. sending love and i passed on an award to you to say thanks for being there for me xxx anne

  4. a
    28/09/2010 at 3:49 am

    A second opinion sometimes is the only thing that can set us on the right course. Sometimes you just need someone else to back you up or to tell you you’re being silly. I know it would be costly to follow this route, but peace of mind may be worth the expense.

    Meanwhile, you have your Lottie to keep you company while you figure things out.

  5. Jen
    28/09/2010 at 12:14 pm

    Lovely, thoughtful post. I can completely picture your doggie jumping in your lap as mine is a complete chicken about most loud noises. 🙂 I hear your feelings about which path to pursue. Take your time and explore your feelings about using an egg donor. I can tell you from my experience, that it’s not a straight path for most people who choose to use them. For me, the decision was easy and then followed with slight moments where I would question my feelings. Everyone of these feelings was fleeting in comparison to the joy of having a child on the way. Now that I’m within weeks of delivering, it’s pretty much the furthest thing from my mind. He’s my child, DNA or not. I hope that you are able to take the time to understand how you feel about it. Hugs.

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