Home > Donor Conception > Just More Reasons to Lose Sleep

Just More Reasons to Lose Sleep

This is a long post because I’m mulling over so much; read at your own peril!

My head has been spinning since hearing on the phone call Tuesday that they have a donor for us.  Spinning so much that I almost forgot to phone the hospital’s reception to confirm my admission for Friday’s transfer.  (Luckily it didn’t matter; I phoned this morning and as soon as I said my surname she said ‘Oh, hi! – it’s all sorted’.  Do I chat with her when I’m freshly awake from the anesthetic and discharging after OPUs?  That’s the only time I come in contact with the hospital’s reception.)

The night before last my head was spinning thinking about how I wouldn’t get to try the DHEA and thinking that I’d be happy to skip the FET cycle if it meant things could happen more quickly with the donor.  They embryos are frozen; they’ll keep.

You probably wouldn’t guess this from my disorganised thoughts here (and disorganised and filthy house!), but I can be a bit anal about some things.  I was nervous about seeing the donor coordinator, so one of my first reactions was to study up.  I’d read some stuff on Aussie Egg Donors on how and when to speak to a child conceived with a donor about it, so printed some of that off for the husband to read.  I printed off a same copy of a children’s book on the subject.  I read them all through Tuesday night and encouraged my husband to do the same.

After not much sleep, I felt like I had to look nice to see the donor coordinator.  I have no idea why; she’s seen me looking pretty bad and drugged up after an OPU!  It’s just my reaction to nerves.  I wanted to look like I was awake and responsible enough to receive someone’s donated eggs I guess.  I wore a new cardigan I hadn’t worn yet (black with little embroidered white daisies with red centres all over it; but I like to think of them as white spiders with red bodies).  Black trousers, white socks with black polka dots, and 2-toned read Fluevog Mary Janes.  Red chandelier crystal necklace and sparkly red earings.  I did my make-up carefully.  I railed at myself for leaving my ‘good’ red lippy in a coat pocket so I had to wear my understudy red lipstick.  (FYI usually I just toss on whatever my sleep-deprived brain knows will cover my body for work.)  Our appointment was for 10 am, but I was outside the hospital waiting for my husband 20 minutes early.

I think I’ve told you how excited my husband is.  As soon as the donor coordinator said there was a shared donor for us, my husband was ready.  Glowing.  Excited.  It upsets me a little because this is how excited he was for our first cycle way back in 2006, and he was just crushed when it didn’t work.  I was too, but I expected it more.  He just hadn’t paid attention when we were told what the chances were.  I feel like I have to tone down his excitement and shield him from disappointment.  On the other hand, this is the man who recently admitted at if it was up to him we’d stop treatment.  Maybe this is what he needs to give him back his hope – and it’s his hope that kept us going long enough for Blobby to be conceived.  I’m so glad I had my Blobby, even though he died.  I guess I shouldn’t squash my husband’s hope.  He’s so excited.  He just kept smiling last night.

I, on the other hand, am a bit numb.  Still.  I’ve been through too much to think this is the magic solution.

So last night was the night of worrying whether it’s actually a good idea to go ahead with this half-donor cycle.  What happens if there are an odd number of eggs; who do I bribe to get the extra?  Can we still go ahead with the donor cycle if we get a positive from the FET?  (Yes, greedy, but I’m aware that just because you have a pregnancy confirmed doesn’t mean you’re taking home a live baby.  I don’t want to lose the opportunity.)  Should I still start taking the DHEA in case the FET and donor cycle fails?  If the donor cycle fails, do we still go back to the end of the waiting list even though we’ve only had a chance at half a donor?  (Which would be REALLY unfair because I think their ad campaign to recruit donors has gotten them lots more people on the waiting list.  We went on at 12 I think; last I hear there were 30 on the list.)

So, now we have lots of paperwork to read and complete.  We have to see the counsellor for 2 sessions.  (However if it’s like it was for when we tried a sperm donor a few years ago she might sign us off with just one; since we’d researched and talked through a lot of the issues she didn’t need to see us twice.)  And I have my FET cycle to go through.

Poor little frosties.  I would have been thinking of them much more this week if it wasn’t for all this donor hoo-ha.  They’re going to be defrosted today.  I wonder if any won’t survive the thaw.  I wonder if I wind up with one left over if it can be transferred at the same time as an embryo from a donor cycle.  (Probably not?)  By this time tomorrow I’ll know.

Categories: Donor Conception
  1. a
    07/10/2010 at 12:56 pm

    How could your mind not be all over the place with all these decisions, options, and possible paths in front of you. Sounds like you’re holding it together pretty well. Much luck.

  2. 07/10/2010 at 6:17 pm

    Life is never simple, is it!! So much to consider and worry about. Hoping the defrosting goes well. And hoping most of all that this renewed positivity in your husband will rub off a bit and you’ll also start feeling a little more positive about everything.
    With all these options flying around, I’m not sure which one to hold thumbs for…so wishing you all the best for EVERYTHING and holding thumbs that we start reading posts about good beta results in the very near future.

  3. 08/10/2010 at 12:07 am

    There are no guarantees, it’s true. But without hope, it’s a pretty bleak life. Whatever happens next, I’ll hold on to hope for some good news for you. The universe owes it to you.

  4. 08/10/2010 at 2:03 am

    OMG! That is a lot to process and so many things to consider. I know the decisions won’t be easy, but it’ll be worth it.

    With all the possibilities, there’s so much hope for you! I’m sending you big hugs and lots of positive thoughts. 🙂

  5. 08/10/2010 at 2:10 am

    I’m sorry your feeling so worried about everything. This stuff is hard! Sounds like the donor is a great thing.. even if it’s only half. Your freezer babies will be just fine if you need them later. Hope it all works out for you. *hugs*

  6. 08/10/2010 at 7:56 am

    If you do move on to donor egg, who knows you might get a winner with so many eggs you wont’ be worried about how many are left. I hope it all works out… just as it should. I am sure there’s lots to process, and it must be a bit much to take in. Thinking of you.

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