Blank Spots

I know I have a lot of blank patches in my life from when Blobby was born and the month or more after.  Some things I remember vividly, like actually giving birth, and relive at scarey moments I have no control over.  But others are blank spots I’m not likely to ever fill.  For the most part that’s fine; it’s not a time I want to remember that well.

Over the weekend I was doing the sort of cleaning in my bedroom you do when you’re really cleaning, not just tidying.  Putting books back on shelves in order, going through tonnes of paperwork from various cyles, looking through and discarding things.  While I was going through some books I found a card I’d obviously been using as a bookmark.  It’s a gorgeous card, and I immediately thought of my good friend M.  It’s SO her; if you remember this photo I posted after I got back from visiting her (and meeting her for the first time in the meat world) you’ll realise why.  This is just a quick photo of the card:

Card from Mundoo

It was like getting a hug from her.  I didn’t remember seeing the card ever before but wondered where I could get it so I could send it to her.  I opened the card up and read the message inside:

Get well!!  I hope you feel better soon.  I miss our daily chats via twitter.

It was from M.  Obviously sent to me during my crazy post-miscarriage hermit time.  During the time even getting support from people I love hurt too much.  I was in a parallel universe and couldn’t let anyone in.  I’m part surprised and part not surprised that I don’t remember this card.  I’m not surprised because there’s a lot I don’t remember.  I couldn’t hold things in my head at the time – I’d make lists of things like ‘fill water bottle; take shower; feed Lottie’ so I wouldn’t forget them.  I couldn’t drive because I was too distracted.  My husband and I would be in the car going somewhere, and I’d have to ask him where we were going because I’d forgotten and I’d get scared.  But I obviously loved this card because I was using it as a book mark.  (At that time I only re-read books I knew well because I would often sort of ‘wake up’ from reading and not even know what book it was.)  And also because it was from M, who I missed but just couldn’t talk to at that time.

Finding this card reminds me how wonderfully supportive some of my friends were.  I stayed offline for a while – which is very unlike me who now usually checks email and twitter on my phone even in the middle of the night.  After a while I got back online but just lurked.  Evenutally I think I just DMed a couple pleople I was especially close to – probably M, F, and DB.

It feels strange to find this blank spot.  But it also feels like a warm hug across space and time.

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  1. a
    19/10/2010 at 1:00 pm

    It’s nice to relive the warm feeling without the overwhelming haze of pain. And it’s really great to have such good friends.

  2. M
    19/10/2010 at 1:04 pm

    Thank you my friend. We often forget the impact that a small gesture makes in bringing back memories or friendship, even at sad times. It is the unexpected friendship into our life when we are not expecting it or even wanting it that gladdens the heart. Friendship doesn’t cost much. A card and a stamp in this case. Small change for a colossal benefit.

  3. 19/10/2010 at 1:05 pm

    Hi. I’m visiting early from ICWL (#71). I shut down like that too sometimes when the overwhelm of my son’s Autism takes its toll. I can’t reach out to anyone or reach out either. The second part was worse because…knowing friends need you but you can’t be there:(

    I’m glad you found something that reminds you of the goodness in your life. That is a lovely picture. The lonliness of the deck and water. It is like she chose carefully.

  4. thecrazycatwoman
    20/10/2010 at 9:14 am

    What a lovely card, and a thoughtful friend. I can understand how you might have had blank spots during and after your tragedy. x

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