I know I have a lot of blank patches in my life from when Blobby was born and the month or more after. Some things I remember vividly, like actually giving birth, and relive at scarey moments I have no control over. But others are blank spots I’m not likely to ever fill. For the most part that’s fine; it’s not a time I want to remember that well.
Over the weekend I was doing the sort of cleaning in my bedroom you do when you’re really cleaning, not just tidying. Putting books back on shelves in order, going through tonnes of paperwork from various cyles, looking through and discarding things. While I was going through some books I found a card I’d obviously been using as a bookmark. It’s a gorgeous card, and I immediately thought of my good friend M. It’s SO her; if you remember this photo I posted after I got back from visiting her (and meeting her for the first time in the meat world) you’ll realise why. This is just a quick photo of the card:
It was like getting a hug from her. I didn’t remember seeing the card ever before but wondered where I could get it so I could send it to her. I opened the card up and read the message inside:
Get well!! I hope you feel better soon. I miss our daily chats via twitter.
It was from M. Obviously sent to me during my crazy post-miscarriage hermit time. During the time even getting support from people I love hurt too much. I was in a parallel universe and couldn’t let anyone in. I’m part surprised and part not surprised that I don’t remember this card. I’m not surprised because there’s a lot I don’t remember. I couldn’t hold things in my head at the time – I’d make lists of things like ‘fill water bottle; take shower; feed Lottie’ so I wouldn’t forget them. I couldn’t drive because I was too distracted. My husband and I would be in the car going somewhere, and I’d have to ask him where we were going because I’d forgotten and I’d get scared. But I obviously loved this card because I was using it as a book mark. (At that time I only re-read books I knew well because I would often sort of ‘wake up’ from reading and not even know what book it was.) And also because it was from M, who I missed but just couldn’t talk to at that time.
Finding this card reminds me how wonderfully supportive some of my friends were. I stayed offline for a while – which is very unlike me who now usually checks email and twitter on my phone even in the middle of the night. After a while I got back online but just lurked. Evenutally I think I just DMed a couple pleople I was especially close to – probably M, F, and DB.
It feels strange to find this blank spot. But it also feels like a warm hug across space and time.