Home > Donor Conception, Musings > Time for Change

Time for Change

It’s the time of year for change.  The weather is more firmly in the spring/summer camp than winter.  My garden is coming to life and the additional hours of daylight are wonderful.  And suddenly I’ve changed from someone dealing with IVF to someone dealing with being the recipient of (half) an egg donation.  It feels like a change as imposed upon me as the change in seasons.

I hate how that sounds like I’m unwilling to make this change.  I’m not – I’m fine with doing anything that might actually make us a family.  I’ve put up with a billion stim cycles – 4 this year alone!  14 since 2006!!  4 FETS and 7 donor IUIs!!!  If using an egg donor is what it’s going to take, I’m fine with it.  I don’t think my genes are that special; all I have to offer is healthy hair.  And I don’t think I’d love a child I give birth to but isn’t genetically mine any less than one that was genetically mine.  I don’t love my dog Lottie any less than I love Blobby, and I can assure you that she’s not genetically my daughter nor did I give birth to her (but somehow I must have transferred my healthy hair gene to her).

I guess I’m just feeling less enthusiastic because I don’t trust my RE.  And I’m feeling swept up in change going on around me rather than like I’m moving with the change.  It’s hard to deal with when you’ve always been a planner and an instigator of change.  I hated this long, cold, dark winter so much and hoped spring would feel like a miraculous new chapter in my life when I’d wake up, stop being depressed about my son’s death, and moved on.  But in reality the winter is in my heart and spring has only made this more obvious.

What I need is a change within me, but it just seems too impossible to get there.

Categories: Donor Conception, Musings
  1. 25/10/2010 at 2:51 pm

    I can so identify with this post … with being the planner, with watching change happen around me, with knowing that what needs to change is *me* … and that’s the only thing I *can* control.

    It’s sort of like writing a novel, or a dissertation, though. When you look at the project as one mountain, it seems insurmountable. If you remind yourself that you only need to write one chapter at a time, and stay focused on the small, short-term goals, it can seem a lot more do-able. At least, it did for me.

    I hope that spring finds its way into your heart soon, too.

  2. 25/10/2010 at 7:32 pm

    You are a strong person, a change within you will come in time. It is so hard to fight the feeling of despair after a loss, especially coming up to its anniversary. It *is* hard when you don’t trust your doctor, but let’s just get to the donor cycle first and make it through.
    I’m so sorry you feel like the winter is in your heart, you deserve so much more than this heartbreak. Love

  3. 25/10/2010 at 11:12 pm

    Change is always hard – and this is no ordinary change you are facing. You have already faced so many challenges on your road to become a family of three. I wish I could snap my fingers and it would all go away and you could find yourself with your healthy happy baby in your arms. I hope that the arrival of spring does manage to wiggle some new hope into your heart. In the mean time sending you love and strength to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward.

  4. a
    26/10/2010 at 12:22 am

    It’s also very hard to change when you’re not entirely sure that the change is in the right direction. Donor cycle, yes – but you seemn to have lost faith in your doctor.

    I hope the spring brings the change you’re looking for.

  5. 26/10/2010 at 12:53 am

    Change is hard, I hope some good changes blow in for you soon.

    I will try to find the article, but I saw one recently, about how in donor egg cycles your uterus will decide what genes to activate in the DNA, therby making your body an active participant in the process. Just wanted to share!

  6. Willow
    26/10/2010 at 5:36 am

    I remember when I was told earlier this year that it was donor egg time, feeling some relief because we could stop trying to eke out a success with my poor struggling eggs, but of course also shock that at 30 I was there already. It’s a strange place to be, and I too didn’t know that my last IUI with injectibles would be my eggs’ last chance. It’s funny, my good hair is one of the few things I really lament not being able to pass on, too! Luckily, my BFF/donor has great hair, so we should be ok on that front :). Thanks so much for your comment on my blog–it is hard to figure out where we will draw the line with sharing the egg donation part of our journey, but I think you’re right that we’ll figure it our as we go. Just as I don’t feel the need to tell every person I see the story of our son’s adoption even though we are very open about it, once we’re in that situation I think it will be pretty obvious when to share and when it’s just not necessary! Good luck on this next stage in your journey!

  7. thecrazycatwoman
    26/10/2010 at 9:29 am

    I like your seasonal change analogy. To me it sounds positive, like an inevitable and completely natural change, not necessarily a bad thing. I’m sorry that you’re still struggling though, and that spring doesn’t feel like a miraculous new chapter. I’m beginning to think that there’s no way of rushing recovery, or forcing ourselves to get better. It will happen sometime.

    PS. You do have gorgeous hair but I know you have a lot more than that to pass on to a child. But a lot of what you’ve got, you CAN pass on to a child even if you don’t share genes.

  8. Still A Guest Room
    26/10/2010 at 10:49 am

    I hear you…it’s so hard to accept change when it feels like you are not the one making the choice. Good luck as you continue to work through this stage!

  9. 26/10/2010 at 11:52 am

    Hang in there. It sounds like you have been through so much. You must be a very strong person since you are still motivated to make this happen and you are still sharing through your blog. I really hope this is it for you.

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