Home > Musings > 11 Months and Irritable

11 Months and Irritable

I’ve been really irritable since I got back from Victoria.  And exhausted.  I feel at once like I want to stop existing and I want to scream out for attention.  I want to comment on everyone’s blog, but I don’t feel like what I have to say is worthwhile.  I want to delete all my many online existences, but I want love from all corners of the globe.  I want to talk, communicate, write – however I’m sick of my own voice and know others must be too.  I have so much to say but can’t express anything.  I’ll cry if I think you’re looking at me, and then yell at you for ignoring me.  Pretty messed up, basically.  As usual.

Th other night we arranged to go to an acquaintance’s house near Cygnet for a party on the 18th of December.  My husband had no idea of the significance of the date; it will have been a year since our son died.  Part of me thought going to someone’s house that night might be a good thing to do.  I know these people through veggie gardening, so there will be lots of gardening talk and lots of fresh food from everyone’s gardens.  I started my relationship with all these people with them knowing we’ve had a loss and are still doing IVF, but they don’t know me so well that many of them ask about it – and we never run out of gardening things to talk about.

After we RSVPed I wondered if it was such a good idea.  I have no idea if it is.  I don’t know how I’ll feel.  I’m pretty upset today knowing it’s been 11 months.  I don’t know if cooking something yummy for a party and going will distract me enough that I’ll be OK.  And I just realised that my husband has double booked himself for that night and still hasn’t realised it.  Maybe that’s a good thing – a reason to get out of it already.

It’s been 11/12ths a year.  It doesn’t feel like it.  I still have flash-backs that are so raw and real and new.  I still can’t possibly believe that he’s gone.  I can’t believe that no one else thinks he was real; that his father can’t even remember when he died.  I can’t believe I haven’t done anything to memorialise him.  Others who have had losses have done all sorts of things.  I can’t.  I don’t know why.

Sometimes it really troubles me that I have no idea what they did with Blooby’s body.  I know he had an autopsy, but I don’t even know what state it happened in.  A lot of my pathology and such went interstate; I don’t know if he did too.  I have his footprints.  I look at that dear piece of paper that touched his feet.  I hate that womeone put a bunny sticker on it.  I turn it over and to look where someone wrote ‘Baby of ‘  and my name.  It feels like the only real evidence or acknowledgement of what happened and what I’ve been going through.

Categories: Musings
  1. 18/11/2010 at 1:58 pm

    Gosh its like you have read my mind and expressed so well what I express in a hysterical-failure “Im mad and throwing a tantrum” kind-of-way!

    I cant believe that you have an anniversary that is so raw coming up. I can’t believe you are able to be as eloquent as you are. I can’t believe that you can analyse yourself so clearly. I can’t believe that you can’t see how incredible you are to have come this far and still be putting one foot in front of the other.

    I think you need to give yourself a HUGE break. This anniversary needs to be given the time and energy that YOU deem necessary, that YOU are comfortable with. Not memorialising him the way that you feels is ‘appropriate’ is way off. You hold that candle in figurative ways every single day. And you do it the right way. The right way for you and your partner. Let no one tell you different.

    I have 4 losses, I have no “memorial” for any of them, except the pictures in my head, and the dreams I have of meeting them someday, happy and whole in a heavenly place. That’s OK for me. And what you are doing for you is OK for you, and what you may decide to change and do in the future for you is OK too.

    I am sorry that this date is coming and is so raw. Do what you need to do for you, and let yourself know that its OK. Whatever it might be. x

  2. a
    18/11/2010 at 2:08 pm

    Completely understandable that your emotions would be all over the place. I wish I had something to say that would help…and I know it will likely get more difficult. 😦

  3. bir
    18/11/2010 at 3:23 pm

    Still here with you. Listening to your irritable words. LOL… more so reading your lovable and totally irrational comments 😉 Hang in there love. Husbands seldom remember the dates of those days that we find heartbreakingly important. At least mine doesn’t. You do what you feel you need to do on the 18th. But in the very least try to do something nice for yourself. Hugs to you x

  4. 18/11/2010 at 3:56 pm

    Everyone grieves differently, and every memorial is unique; some of them are physical, but many more of them, I think, are the ones we hold in our hearts. Those are the kind I have for my own losses–it feels right that way. And you deserve to remember on the 18th (and every day) however you need to, however feels right to you. I would be amazed if you were more composed right now; our bodies remember even when our conscious minds forget. Thinking of you, and hoping that you can show yourself kindness and understanding. Your DH may have forgotten the date (men *are* like that, I think, though it’s incredibly sexist of me to say so), but he has not forgotten your son. *hugs* to you both.

  5. 18/11/2010 at 5:04 pm

    I agree with what Justine said, all of it.

    This is going to be such an incredibly hard month for you, and you are so very strong and brave to just get through it. As for the 18th do whatever feels right for you, there is still plenty of time to think about it. Maybe that is the day that you will know what is right for your memorial. This past loss I planted an olive tree in my garden. I ddin’t know until I saw that tree that it was the right tree or what I wanted. It just happened.

    Giant HUGS. I am thinking of you and here if you ever want to talk.

  6. Jen
    18/11/2010 at 5:54 pm

    {Big huge hug from Alaska}

  7. 18/11/2010 at 9:47 pm

    Oh honey. It sucks that you’re so irritable but I’m not surprised. I mean Progynova is not the nicest stuff. Men (some anyway) don’t really get it and I know that makes it hurt more, but you know he was absolutely real and that is the main thing. I know we’ve talked a bit about a few memorial things you can do, and I agree with the others that you will know eventually exactly what it is you want to do. You can start small. Remember no-one is judging you and you have your whole life to remember him. There is no time limit that says you must do something before the first anniversary, ok? If you really don’t feel up to the party you don’t have to go. Please don’t push yourself while you’re going through your donor cycle and coming up to this awful, painful memory.
    You know how to find me. Always here for you.

  8. 22/11/2010 at 2:42 am

    I cannot imagine what you havebeen through and still go through constantly. I can imagine how much it must hurt to feel as though yu mourn your son alone. Sending you bigs hugs because I have no words of wisdom to offer.

  9. Bec
    28/11/2010 at 2:42 pm

    Your depth of feeling just literally took my breath away.
    Don’t be too hard on yourself, don’t be hard on yourself full stop.
    And as for the 18th, well you just wait until then and do exactly what you feel like doing on the day. Try not to anticipate your feelings too much and just go with how they flow at the time.
    And your first paragraph? That’s me, that’s you, that’s everyone most of the time…you are the insightful one who knows how perfectly to write it down. Thank you. X

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