Home > Ovum Donor Cycle #1 > Boobs As An Indicator of Sanity (Or Lack Thereof)

Boobs As An Indicator of Sanity (Or Lack Thereof)

I don’t remember what I was like in The Before-TTC Time, but these days I walk that thin line between being a hypochondriac and having a normal level of concern about my health.

My boobs have really been highlighting this to me lately.  I’m always on various hormone drugs, and my breasts always react differently.  So I alternate between being convinced I can’t conceive because I have breast cancer and being convinced I have achy breasts because I’m trying to conceive.

I think in The Before Time my breasts didn’t ache regularly, but to be honest my memory’s pretty shoddy so maybe they did.  But I do know they’ve been aching for months and aching intermittently for years.  And when you’re an IVF patient and therefore compulsively over analyse each twinge and sign your body (or brain) offers  up, this of course means your brain is at some point going to try to convince you that you have cancer.

And then in the wee hours of the night you go from thinking you might have cancer, to knowing you do, to refusing treatment because there’s no way you’re going to interrupt this cycle.  And then you wake up in the morning, stick some Crinone up your hoo-ha, have some Progynova with brekkie, and realise that with all those chemicals it’s no wonder your boobs are annoyed.

I really look forward to The After Time, i.e. the time after we stop trying to conceive.  I have no idea what that epoch might look like – whether we’ll have a child or be childless/whether my husband and I will be together.  And no idea if the way I react to the world will have been permanently re-wired.  Will I ever not look at used loo paper?  Will I ever enjoy lattes and alcohol again?  Will smoked salmon and blue cheese ever feature in my shopping basket?  Will I be able to buy shampoo and not wonder if it might kill my maybe-babies?

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Categories: Ovum Donor Cycle #1
  1. 30/11/2010 at 5:15 pm

    This post is both funny and true … if being pregnant after loss and infertility is any indication, I think we get permanently re-wired to suspect the worst from our bodies. How can we *not*, after what we do to our brains?

    I do hope you can enjoy a latte someday, though. It would be very sad, indeed, if you couldn’t!

  2. lis
    30/11/2010 at 5:52 pm

    So, so true and well written. I have pretty much given up the what-if-im thing and just rolling with it. If I do become preg I will alter accordingly. Since its a longshot, ehh, I’m not too concerned. I did stop drinking coffee though but just bc that was what I did in my 1st cycle which was successful. (The pregnancy is another story). I do wonder how we will be after all these tx-will we be able to enjoy our children or will we be so riddled with cancer that we can’t move. Ugh, better to live in the present!! Xoxo lis

  3. the crazy cat woman
    30/11/2010 at 6:29 pm

    I have a similar boob obsession. The breast cancer thing hadn’t occured to me (but i’m sure it will from now on!) but I love to squeeze them to see if they’re sore. I do it at all times in my cycle. It’s become a compulsive habit (like POASing) that I can’t break. And the toilet-paper-examining thing too. You’ve probably already read this but if not check it out. It’s true for me: http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/2010/10/709-you-feel-yourself-up-in-public/

  4. 30/11/2010 at 8:03 pm

    You sound perfectly normal to me. I can’t understand women who just drink coffee like it’s a perfectly normal past-time. Strange creatures.

  5. 01/12/2010 at 9:29 am

    I hated putting all the drugs into my body and was relieved to come off them. I actually had a point about 2 years ago where I went to the doctor with achy armpits convinced I had cancer. I didn’t, it was a hormonal imbalance after pregnancy. But I was FREAKED! You’re not the only one. I really hope smoked salmon comes back in to your life one day-I love the stuff!
    Take care, always thinking of you.

  6. 01/12/2010 at 10:04 am

    Well since this is my first IVF cycle I definitely don’t have anything to compare it to but IVF drugs severely mess with you. I feel dumber day by day! I hope the boob activity is related to positive news!!

  7. a
    01/12/2010 at 11:59 am

    Well, I may get to find out that final “after” space next week. When I do, I will return to drinking caffeine and alcohol at will. I’m quite tired of the (in)sanity indicators…

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