Rare Breed of Infertile?
I think I’m a rare breed of infertile. Not because I’ve been told I’m pregnant right now but because I have that rare secondary disease: POAS phobia. That’s right, I’m terrified of peeing on plastic sticks. However my positive result won’t be real for some people (well, for Anxious Mummy!) until I do, so yesterday I dutifully went to the chemist and here’s this morning’s result:
Thanks for all your lovely comments. Yes, unfortunately I know the feelings I’m having are normal. And I’m so sorry that so many of you understand them. I dearly wish there weren’t so many losses and years of struggle amongst my friends and that you didn’t understand. But since you do thank you for understanding and sympathising.
My husband doesn’t feel any of this. I phoned him as soon as I had gotten off the phone with the RE and he was instantly over the moon. I’m quite jealous of his reaction; it feels so childlike and naive. It’s amazing that we’ve gone through the same number of years of IVF, the same number of cycles, and the same horrifying loss and his experience is so different.
I’m really scared. I’ve been queasy ever since I heard the news. In fact that’s why I’m awake and blogging before 6 am on a Saturday; I had to get something into my stomach to settle it. Plus I wanted to have some food so I can get the morning dose of Progynova into my system. I’ll head back to the bedroom soon for that delightful Crinone. These drugs that for the last week I’ve been resenting because they’ve felt like constant reminders of failure suddenly feel like lifelines. I have enough Crinone to last until Monday morning, but I’m headed to the clinic this morning for more because it feels safer to have it in the house – to not use it all up before getting more Monday.
I’m still terrified. And a bit freaked out about finding this out a week before the anniversary of Blobby’s death. And very freaked out to find that if I make it to 14 weeks 2 days it will be Friday, 18 February. Blobby died at 14 weeks 2 days on Friday, 18 December 2009.
But February sounds like an endlessly long way away. Right now I need to concentrate on getting through each day and not letting a bunch of days, and dates, attack me at once.