Home > Ovum Donor Pregnancy > Rare Breed of Infertile?

Rare Breed of Infertile?

I think I’m a rare breed of infertile.  Not because I’ve been told I’m pregnant right now but because I have that rare secondary disease: POAS phobia.  That’s right, I’m terrified of peeing on plastic sticks.  However my positive result won’t be real for some people (well, for Anxious Mummy!) until I do, so yesterday I dutifully went to the chemist and here’s this morning’s result:

Thanks for all your lovely comments.  Yes, unfortunately I know the feelings I’m having are normal.  And I’m so sorry that so many of you understand them.  I dearly wish there weren’t so many losses and years of struggle amongst my friends and that you didn’t understand.  But since you do thank you for understanding and sympathising.

My husband doesn’t feel any of this.  I phoned him as soon as I had gotten off the phone with the RE and he was instantly over the moon.  I’m quite jealous of his reaction; it feels so childlike and naive.  It’s amazing that we’ve gone through the same number of years of IVF, the same number of cycles, and the same horrifying loss and his experience is so different.

I’m really scared.  I’ve been queasy ever since I heard the news.  In fact that’s why I’m awake and blogging before 6 am on a Saturday; I had to get something into my stomach to settle it.  Plus I wanted to have some food so I can get the morning dose of Progynova into my system.  I’ll head back to the bedroom soon for that delightful Crinone.  These drugs that for the last week I’ve been resenting because they’ve felt like constant reminders of failure suddenly feel like lifelines.  I have enough Crinone to last until Monday morning, but I’m headed to the clinic this morning for more because it feels safer to have it in the house – to not use it all up before getting more Monday.

I’m still terrified.  And a bit freaked out about finding this out a week before the anniversary of Blobby’s death.  And very freaked out to find that if I make it to 14 weeks 2 days it will be Friday, 18 February.  Blobby died at 14 weeks 2 days on Friday, 18 December 2009.

But February sounds like an endlessly long way away.  Right now I need to concentrate on getting through each day and not letting a bunch of days, and dates, attack me at once.

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Categories: Ovum Donor Pregnancy
  1. a
    11/12/2010 at 6:26 am

    Good luck – I hope you can grab a hold of that enthusiasm and keep the fear at bay!

  2. Meg
    11/12/2010 at 8:11 am

    What a lovely line! I know what you mean about your husband. Mine has been unnervingly positive for every BFP we’ve had. They seem to have the ability to take the simple view of things. I’m jealous, I wish you and I could have a dose of that optimism about our pregnancies.
    Anyway, one day at a time. And I hope your nausea is pregnancy nausea rather than anxiety nausea. I know it’s hard and also a very stupid thing for me to say, but TRY to relax. Do you want to catch up soon and we can try and relax together?

  3. 11/12/2010 at 10:30 am

    Ooooh PRETTY! 🙂

    I definitely understand how you feel about the drugs being a lifeline. One day at a time is the only way to go, just take it easy and try to enjoy this miracle as much as you can. The anxiety is completely normal and so very very hard, but we are all here for you.

  4. the crazy cat woman
    11/12/2010 at 11:26 am

    OH MY GOD, I’m so excited to hear your news!! I know it must be terrifying for you. I hope the next few weeks (actually, the next eight months) pass really quickly.

  5. the crazy cat woman
    11/12/2010 at 11:41 am

    I just wanted to add: your news has made my week. 🙂

  6. 11/12/2010 at 12:55 pm

    Congrats my dear! One day at a time, one day at a time.

  7. bir
    11/12/2010 at 1:35 pm

    Still over the moon, and yes, it’s a lovely line!
    On the hub thing… ugh… yep! I think mine has just landed here from a land of flowers and birds singing. Where has he been the last couple of years when we buried our first born and then had to tackle two years of IVF and a mc to get here? While I’m a nervous, anxious mess if I even bother to try to talk to him about my concerns all I get is “it’ll be right, don’t worry”. Hmm… I want to go to his world, because although mine is just loving being UTD for the third time, the wonderings of whether the nursery will get used this time is doing my head in!

    Husbands!!!!!! (… partners, boyfriends, friends…)

  8. 11/12/2010 at 1:57 pm

    Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! This is the most beautiful sight to me, I’m in tears again. It IS real to me I just hoped the pee sticks would make it more real for you. Anyway I’m over the moon. I’m not exactly in Scott’s world but I AM excited for you. I know how hard this is, even at the stage I’m at it’s hard. I have to agree with Jess. Take care & email if you need. xxxooo

  9. Kim
    11/12/2010 at 5:40 pm

    What two lovely pink lines you have there, congratulations!! That is absolutely fantastic news. Wishing you the best for the next 8 months.

  10. cw
    12/12/2010 at 12:27 pm

    I have the same disease!! But baby you have beaten it! Go the dual pink lines 🙂

  11. 12/12/2010 at 2:46 pm

    Agreed with Jess. One day at a time … and remember to breathe.

  12. 13/12/2010 at 1:53 am

    Yes, each day is so difficult to get through. Each day is filled with such promise or potential sorrow.

    I think the reason that your hubs is having an easier time finding hope is because he has seen the transition of one pregnancy into loss, but not dozens of pregnancies into loss, like we have, through this bittersweet network of women.

  13. 13/12/2010 at 6:34 pm

    I am the same rare breed of infertile! I have NEVER POAS – ever! How awesome to see those strong two lines. I will be focusing on all the positive for you as I can imagine how hard it is for you to simply focus on the positive. You just feel the way you feel, no right no wrong, just the way it is. sending much love and peace in your perfect pregnancy!

  14. 14/12/2010 at 2:38 pm

    Thanks for stopping by my blog & the congrats! I laughed reading this post because I can SO relate to what you said! I was TERRIFIED to POAS this weekend and only did after much prompting from my husband, even then he had to make me look at the results as I was so scared it would be a BFN.
    I also liked what you said at the end of your most recent post about fertile people being crazier than us for naively thinking all pregnancies end with a healthy baby.
    Thinking of you and hoping so, so much that things go smoothly for you with this pregnancy ((hugs))

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