Home > Ovum Donor Pregnancy > Surreal Weekend

Surreal Weekend

I spent the weekend trying to get my head around this new reality.  And feeling nauseous and exhausted.  It feels surreal to be dealing with some of these emotions again, and of course this time they have an added level of complexity.

When Blobby died I felt so much guilt for not having celebrated and accepted his life while he was alive.  It’s not easy becoming pregnant after years of infertility.  People on the outside must assume that once you get pregnant after battling infertility you will immediately be overjoyed.  But instead it’s just hard to believe that it’s happened; it’s hard to accept.  It’s easier to get your head around things ending because that’s what usually happens.  I remember how strange it felt to not be thinking of my next cycle or be taking any medication other than multivitamins.  It didn’t feel real.  Then Blobby died.  And I realised that you can’t guard your heart; instead of being glad I hadn’t done anything to his room or started any serious planning I was sad that I’d deprived him of that.  He deserved the fuss and excitement.

So I spent the weekend battling these feelings.  At first I thought my predominant feeling was fear.  Fear of how this might end, fear that things have gone wrong already, fear that this might be my last chance.  In the back of my head I’m still worried I only have one frostie.  If things go wrong that’s not much of a back-up.  But it’s not fair to not experience this embryo’s life and already be looking past it.

It helped to think about where this fear was coming from.  Delving deeper, this fear comes from love.  In theory there is a little life within me working hard to eventually become an independent life.  No matter how this ends, I love him or her.  Whether the tears that come when this pregnancy ends are because of joy or despair, it is love that will cause them.  So I tried to concentrate on that rather than the fear.  It’s not easy, but I imagine it’s freeing if you can get there.  It’s living in and enjoying the moment rather than anticipating a future that cannot be predicted.  I’m not good at this; I’m a planner (and a pessimist).

Trying to get some Vitamin D and get my brain into a calmer place at the same time, I did something I rarely do: I went into what I have for years rather awkwardly refered to as the ‘top front bedroom’.  It’s a messy storage room right now, but I decided to lay down in the sun there with Lottie.  It’s not very peaceful; birds nest in the roof and you can hear them coming in and out, all the while calling and chirping.  Lottie doesn’t know that room, so she spent most of her time sniffing instead of settling down with me.  But I found a little peace in the sun.  And it gave me a bit of an extra glow when I left the room and heard my husband say ‘it’s nice to see you go into the baby’s room’.  That’s the name I can never use myself, but maybe one day.

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Categories: Ovum Donor Pregnancy
  1. the crazy cat woman
    13/12/2010 at 2:23 pm

    This is an amazing and beautiful post. I think you are coping with the conflicting emotions as well as anyone possibly could. I understand the fear. I am almost as afraid of another pregnancy as I am of another failed cycle. Sometimes it feels like the fear will never end; that even a ‘happy ending’ won’t put an end to it. I like your idea of focussing on love. I’m going to try and do that too (i’ve just had another BFN, not a BFP, but I guess the sadness and fear that comes with that is also rooted in love).

  2. 13/12/2010 at 3:41 pm

    This is so beautiful. It took me a while to get past the fear, and there are days still when I feel it, but focusing on the power of that determined little life, separate from me and yet connected to me, and love, has helped. I like the mental picture of you in the sun with Lottie, in a room that may some day soon have a new and joyful purpose.

  3. a
    13/12/2010 at 4:12 pm

    See there? You did something for this baby already. You introduced him/her to the room. You don’t have to plan it or decorate it yet – just going in and enjoying the sun is a good start.

  4. 13/12/2010 at 5:19 pm

    Tas, I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes, yet am so happy and excited and nervous for you. Been offline for a couple of weeks and only just catching up on your news/posts. So thrilled to read the BFP news and crossing fingers furiously. Loved the image of you lying in the sun on the floor of the baby’s room – really touching and special.
    I won’t tell you to relax or pretend that this is all excitement with no fear, but do take care of yourself and cherish every moment…and know we’re all feeling positive and excited for you.

  5. 13/12/2010 at 6:19 pm

    Oh D, that was such a beautiful post and I related so much to it! You brought tears to my eyes. The reasons you have elucidated are the exact same ones I celebrated every moment of my pregnancy in July, despite that ever present fear, and I am so very glad that we did that. I love that you went into the room and found some peace there. 🙂 I am crossing everythign that we will all be here crying tears of joy with you in nine months and you will be showing us photos of the room that has been transformed.

    Crazy Cat Woman – oh no, I am so very sorry to read this. 😦

  6. 13/12/2010 at 6:40 pm

    What a beautiful post. I especially love you saying “But it’s not fair to not experience this embryo’s life”. Looking forward to news of your scan in a little over a week. I hope you can find that peace and glow you felt in the sunny room and that the years to come see you spending lots of time in that sunshine with joy in your heart!

  7. Meg
    13/12/2010 at 6:42 pm

    Wow, what a great realisation to have. I haven’t tried to think past my fear, but you are totally right, the basis for our sadness or happiness in these situations is love. I can imagine you lying in the sun in the ‘top front bedroom’, which will be your babies room. Well done for going in there and enjoying it.

    As you know, I’m as planner and a pessimist too, so I know how hard the inability to know and plan the future for this baby is.

    And I’m super excited that we are due only about a month apart 🙂

  8. 13/12/2010 at 10:24 pm

    disa i am so so so very happy for you and your husband, you deserve nothing but success and happiness and i will be concentrating hard on you getting both. i have been reading your blog holding my breath for a long time now and i am just so happy that you have your bfp. bill must be chuffed with himself! i worry every day throughout my pregnancy, and its all about the outcome. in time you will find you are able to let go of some of the fear and jump on in boots and all, you will still worry though. after loss i’m afraid, you will always worry. sending you loads of love xxx anne

  9. 14/12/2010 at 3:04 am

    I really hope that you get to enjoy your pregnancy. I know how hard it must be to accept that you really are pregnant and to not worry, but I’m so happy that you’re taking that first step to enjoy yourself and find some peace. 🙂

  10. 14/12/2010 at 6:52 am

    Thinking of you, and I think it’s great if you want to stay happy and positive. This is all so hard when we’ve been through losses. But, your feeling sound completely normal to me. I am very hopeful for you.

  11. Still A Guest Room
    14/12/2010 at 12:13 pm

    This is such a beautiful post. It is wonderful to read that you are getting to such a good place…I know it’s not easy, but I hope it helps you. Thank you for sharing this.

  12. 14/12/2010 at 1:38 pm

    This is such a beautiful post. I hope you feel ready to call it the baby’s room soon, but take your time. I think you should submit this one to the creme de la creme!!
    love x

  13. 18/12/2010 at 11:17 am

    You have so perfectly summed up some of my own feelings! This was so beautifully written, thank you for sharing. I LOVED, “Whether the tears that come when this pregnancy ends are because of joy or despair, it is love that will cause them.” I too am struggling with the fear that comes with being pregnant again after loss and trying not to focus on the fear, but it’s so hard as you said. Thank you for inspiring me to focus on the love!

  14. 19/12/2010 at 6:54 am

    Thank you so much for this beautiful post. I am bookmarking it and coming back to it when G-d willing, I some day get pregnant again. Sending a million good vibes your way for a happy and healthy pregnancy.

  15. 21/12/2010 at 2:15 pm

    “No matter how this ends, I love him or her. Whether the tears that come when this pregnancy ends are because of joy or despair, it is love that will cause them.”

    I have my fourth FET coming up in two weeks. I am going to put this beautiful quote in my back pocket and try really hard to be in the moment.

  16. 21/12/2010 at 3:17 pm

    What a great post. I feel like I’ve struggled throughout this pregnancy to be in the moment.

    Super huge congrats on your BFP!!!

  17. 22/12/2010 at 2:40 pm

    I am here from Rebecca’s house.

    I get it. Great stuff, thank you.

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