Home > Ovum Donor Pregnancy > Fear in Small Rooms

Fear in Small Rooms

If you’re not comfortable hearing about the bodily functions of strangers, then this post is probably not for you.  But it’s part of the experience of being an infertile.  You have been warned.

During the 2ww I tried not to blog about anything that could be interpreted as a ‘symptom’.  There was too much happening in my head to be able to take even lovely comments from well-meaning friends trying to keep me positive.

However. . .each trip to the loo was and is a nightmare.  I’m taking Crinone gel twice a day and not a day goes by that I don’t have (TMI alert) pink or brown cottage cheese happening.  Some days are worse than others.  Perhaps taking low dose aspirin makes this even more likely to happen?  Wednesday the 8th, 2 days before the blood test, was bad.  That is part of why I was so surprised with the positive blood test; I couldn’t believe anything could survive that.  (In fact I already had the email I was going to send to a specialist on the mainland drafted because I’ve had enough of my FS.  I planned to send it as soon as the negative result was confirmed.)

Yesterday was another bad day.  Terrifyingly bad.  There was quite a bit of brown cottage cheese just after lunch.  I resigned myself that whatever was going to happen was going to happen; nothing I or any medical practitioner can do will change it.  To add to my brown cottage cheese panic, I also realised my queasiness had ominously disappeared.

I spent part of the evening freaking out by SMS at a friend – not very fair to direct my stress at her as she’d had a lovely scan and I should have left her to be excited about it.  She convinced me I wouldn’t be insane to ask the clinic for another blood test to check that my levels are rising.  Eventually I saw the logic in it:  if it helps reassure me, it’s a good idea.

I was supposed to be going to my sister-in-law’s house to cook dinner (her husband is in Antarctica for work and she literally doesn’t know how to turn on a cook top), but instead we just went over to her place and ordered a nice mushroom pizza.  (I did make her chocolate mousse though, so I was forgiven.)  While she was out of the room for a while I cheerfully told my husband I’d decided to ask for another blood test.  I thought he actually might be pleased because as much as I whinge here about how stressed I am he’s the one who gets the full in-real-life force of it.  But he really doesn’t want me to; he reminded me how I almost walked out on my last blood test and said maybe I should just concentrate on being calm.  How crazy is that?

My husband may not be the typical Aussie male, but ‘she’ll be right’ certainly sums up his attitude to life.  He loves the ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ posters.  I swear I’ve never thrown it back in his face, but when I was having contractions with Blobby he was the one to tell me not to worry and that going to the hospital was unnecessary.

Someone in my office just found the perfect tshirt for me:

I wish I could resign from my position of used loo roll inspector, but I know I won’t.  I have no idea what my body’s doing.  I guess I’ll find out in a week when I have a scan.  I wonder if fertile women do the same thing?  Or do they just go along as if pregnancies aren’t something that end?  If they do, they’re crazier than I am.

Categories: Ovum Donor Pregnancy
  1. a
    14/12/2010 at 2:00 pm

    Anyone who’s lost a pregnancy is completely paranoid. I’d have another blood test too. Mental health is very important. (On the other hand, the somewhat fatalistic knowledge that there’s nothing you can actually do to change the situation can be somewhat calming too. Because rising numbers will not stop you from freaking out – it will just reduce the freak outs to once or twice a day). Much luck – I’ve got my fingers crossed for you.

  2. 14/12/2010 at 4:41 pm

    Last night my husband asked me if I was “excited” about going to my “fun” ultrasound. I don’t know how they manage to be such optimists.

  3. the crazy cat woman
    14/12/2010 at 6:12 pm

    So are you ignoring hubby’s advice and requesting another BT, I wonder? When I was bleeding and paranoid I called the clinic and begged for another BT but the nurse told me there’s no point, as HCG levels could still be rising even if something’s wrong. And I think, from memory, she said even if they’re not as high as they should be this doesn’t mean that anything’s wrong… Which sucks. You need SOMETHING concrete at this stage.

  4. Meg
    14/12/2010 at 6:38 pm

    Why do we do this to ourselves? I’m sorry hubby didn’t think a blood test was a good idea, cos I think it would really help your stress levels. But if eating cherries instead is helping, then go for it!! Stupid spotting and stupid crinone! Not fair, giving you extra things to worry about that you don’t need. Don’t forget I full-on bled at 4 weeks for a day, then seriously spotted for another 3 days and everything is good so far for me! I know this probably doesn’t help at all, cos it’s me not you.
    BTW, SMS me anytime at all!

  5. 14/12/2010 at 6:38 pm

    Well, spotting *is* to be expected if your snowflakes are getting comfortable in there, and brown isn’t bad. But that doesn’t mean that some more confirmation wouldn’t be nice. (And I *still* check the toilet paper. No, I don’t think fertiles do this … or at least, not fertiles who are blissfully ignorant about pregnancy loss and infertilty. You are COMPLETELY normal, unfortunately.)

  6. 14/12/2010 at 8:35 pm

    Are you saying that your clinic doesn’t do a second BT after a positive routinely? I think you should go and get one, despite what the nurse says. You should do whatever makes you feel reassured. I really can’t think of any nice way to say what I think of your clinic.

  7. 15/12/2010 at 1:43 am

    You’re not acting like a fertile person, but you are not crazy either. We have to guard our hearts after all we’ve been through to get here, and sometimes I think seeing all that can go wrong in the blog world makes us more fearful than need be. But, I agree, it would be hard if my hubby was just taking everything in stride and not working at all. Most likely all WILL be well, but you know, if checking TP is what you need to do to feel better, than do it!

  8. Still A Guest Room
    15/12/2010 at 5:19 am

    Don’t have any wise words, but thinking of you.

  9. Wavesofemotions
    24/01/2011 at 2:57 am

    It is such a wild ride; my husband is filled with happiness and has such a glow of wonder in his eyes. I on the other hand have fear my first pregancy ended in a miscarriage at 5 wk last march had a dnc in august waited the three months and now we are 6 wk along. Already have had 3 bt and1 ultrasound. My hormone levels are low so I started crinone just five days ago and everyday since have had black brown cottage cheese discharge in the morning with my first pee and late at night. Anyone else? Can I remind calm?

    • 24/01/2011 at 1:55 pm

      I know it’s not reassuring at all, especially when you’ve had a loss, but having the charming coloured cottage cheese discharge with Crionone is VERY common. I’ve been having lots of pink or black – why they say not to worry about – but also bright red and some bleeding. I’d tell your doctor; usually their first question will be whether you’re having cramping or not. If you haven’t they don’t seem very concerned. My RE is never concerned, which I didn’t find reassuring. But Crinone irritates your vagina. Pink cottage cheese is from more recent bleeding and black is older (like the difference between fresh blood and dried blood). If it’s just when you wipe rather than coming out all the times it’s not much blood and probably from the vagina – not your uterus. Another thing my RE never told me about is if you use Crinone for a long time you can get ‘clogged up’. Yup – gross. I found a blog where someone had had increasing bleeding and when she went to her doctor it was found she had so much Crinone clogging her vagina it was actually causing some of the bleeding; her doctor recommended (TMI!!!) using her finger every 3 days or so and having a bit of a clean out before putting in a dose. 😛 But if you’re worried, talk to your doctor. And I hope yours is better than mine!!!

  10. Beth
    09/03/2011 at 8:18 pm

    Have read this post sooooo many times, I’m having the crinone clogging up issue. It’s horrible. Having my week 6 scan next week, at which time I might believe that I am actually pg.

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