Home > Weekly Updates > 5: 12.5% of 40

5: 12.5% of 40

I don’t know how to approach this.  On one hand, the IVF Gods are complete and total bastards.  Blobby died less than two days after I posted a just-had-an-obstretrician-appointment-and-everything-is-perfect-in-the-second-trimester post on my blog.  (Not this one; I didn’t have this blog then.)  On the other hand, I would like to be able to look back and know what was going on when while I have this little hope within me – what I was thinking and feeling – whatever happens.  So this is a bit of a state-of-the-things at 5 weeks.

When I hit the 5 weeks mark with Blobby I was amazed that everything was going so quickly.  I knew nothing about it at that point; all I knew about was IVF and I hadn’t dared look at what might come next.  I had no idea that 40 weeks was considered standard but that the first 2 weeks come before you’ve even had an OPU.  Also with him my blood test happened 2 1/2 weeks after transfer, so hitting 5 weeks a mere 2 days later felt like things were going miraculously fast.

This time the clock is moving incredibly slowly.  There are 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, 24 hours in a day, and 7 days in a week.  So there are 604800 seconds in each week that must be lived through.  To me this feels like 604800 seconds where something can go wrong.  But it also feels like an achievement each time I pass one of those seconds; I’m trying to remember that each time one of those seconds passes is that much closer to the end goal.

It’s only been 5 days since I found out I have a little bit of hope.  I’ve lived through so much in those 5 days.  I’ve been queasy and I’ve felt fine.  I’ve lived through the terror of (hopefully) Crinone-induced spotting and had times when all seemed clear.  I’ve lived with my fear and my husband’s untempered and naive joy.  ‘Symptoms’ have come and gone.  Currently all I have is a slightly crampy tummy and a body temperature approaching the surface of the sun; I can’t cool off.  My left breast is a bit achy, but of course we all know that’s my phantom cancer.  The dizziness and nausea I enjoyed earlier in the week disappeared on Monday.  :-/  So far today there hasn’t been any coloured cottage cheese, but I’m sure it will come.

What I am taking:

  • Blackmores Conceive Well Gold daily
  • Low dose aspirin daily
  • Progynova (2mg) 3 x per day with meals
  • Crinone 8% vaginal gel 2 x per day

There are two major milestones I know of in the coming week: living through the anniversary of Blobby’s death and having a scan with the RE.  Blobby’s death wasn’t just one event as each day I remember what was happening in the days leading up to it.  This time last year I was having spotting and was told not to worry about at all. I had a obstetrician appointment on the Wednesday, and he said that all was well. I was so worried on the Thursday that I demanded an emergency ultrasound early in the afternoon and was told by the sonographer all was well. I started having contractions that evening and was told not to worry. My waters broke in the early hours of the 18th and of course my son was born dead.  So I have a bit to get through in the next few days.  Yes, I know the events of last year have no bearing on what might happen this time.  But I cannot stop remembering.  And no matter what I tell myself about Crinone, spotting and cramping are going to worry me.

I have 6 more sleeps until our scan.  It will be at 5 weeks 6 days so we’re not likely to see a heartbeat, but that’s the last day our FS is working before he’s off on holiday.  Plus I said yes to an earlier scan rather than later just to make sure the little spark of hope is in the right place and hasn’t strayed into a tube or something.

At this point with Blobby no one but us and clinic staff knew about him.  This time I have a community of friends online who know and who are providing support and real understanding.  I’ve also told a few people in my office who are close to me and who knew about the donor cycle.  For people who haven’t experienced infertility they’re quite awesome.  And my husband told my parents because my mum was hinting that she might come for a visit and my husband knew that would be stressful beyond what is humanely tolerable.  So he told my parents that my mum would be best delaying her visit until the spark of hope has ‘arrived’.  I’m actually OK with people knowing.  If something goes wrong I’m going to be a basket case for a while, so people may as well know why.

The bestest thing at this point is the support I have from people who get me and understand what I’m going through: you.  I don’t know where I’d be without you.  Writing blog posts not only gives me an outlet for my darkest fears but also makes me stop and think.  It reminds me that, as impossible as it seems, I need to think of the potential joy and hope.  And your comments and support are mind-blowing.  As difficult as I’m finding being positive, at least I know my little spark has positive vibes flowing in from all of the world.  And you confirm that as crazy as I might seem, I’m actually fairly normal for what I’ve been through.  Thank you!

My goodness, what a long post!  Maybe I’ll just spend my whole time writing to get through this?

Categories: Weekly Updates
  1. a
    15/12/2010 at 1:35 pm

    *Grabs your hand and pats it*

    Of course you can’t help but remember Blobby and carry the fear on with you. The early scan can tell you some things, and then you can feel more confident for a couple weeks while you wait to see the heartbeat.

    It took me until I had my 20 week scan to determine that there were no likely defects before I could halfway breathe a full breath. And even after that, the news that I was borderline diabetic was a huge mental setback. But, by about the 7th month, I had mostly calmed down. So, at least you don’t really need to worry that you’re worrying too much.

  2. Still A Guest Room
    15/12/2010 at 2:29 pm

    Keep making it through one day at a time. We are all pulling for you!

  3. 15/12/2010 at 3:43 pm

    I second Still A Guest Room … but even one *hour* at a time is an accomplishment you can be proud of. I hope that you can get some rest in these next days … and if writing your way through this helps, go right ahead. We’ll be here to read every word.

  4. 15/12/2010 at 6:22 pm

    I’ll second what Justine said. It’s a chain, you see 🙂

    We’re all here to hold your hand and we are all sending mega-positive vibes to your little one. You have a very hard week coming up, no doubt about it. But we’re all thinking of you.

  5. 16/12/2010 at 3:04 am

    I know it’s difficult, but I have so much hope for you this time around. I know that this one will be it. Just hang in there!! We’re here for you whenever you need us.

  6. 16/12/2010 at 3:34 am

    Hugs and hand squeezes from California as well. Your ability to hope and be joyful about this pregnancy have not been damaged, but your sense of when it is ok to hope and be joyful has. It’s a healing process and in that process the steps are built in to your every day life. Getting through (not past, because 18 Dec will always be rough) the specific rough patches along with the non specific ones. Allowing yourself to give your heart completely to the little being(s) inside of you. Realizing that all is truly well when it is and when to worry…these things have been damaged, but with time you will repair them. Hopefully the steps will become easier as time passes and hopefully you will be able to enjoy parts of your pregnancy rather than not at all until the baby(ies) are safely in your arms.

    Until the damage begins to repair, we are all here for you for listening and hugs and hand squeezes. We don’t mind being vented to or yelled at or confided in because it means you’re still fighting for it. You’re still hoping.

    Try to enjoy your scan. Hopefully some new luck socks will be there for you. (post office had never mail them after the payment ordeal! Or the letters I’d left as well…I decide to change post offices and write a very rude letter to the supervisors. I was not at all pleased…)

  7. 16/12/2010 at 3:46 am

    This is difficult, but I am so glad you still have hope. And good for you for advocating for yourself about visitors, etc… Thinking of you and sending good thoughts for your scan.

  8. a Field of Dreams
    16/12/2010 at 11:44 am

    Thanks for commenting on my Blog!

    Congratulations on your PG. I too know very well the feeling of IF and PG. Each second that went past i left behind fear, anxiousness and frustration. But each second also brought me closer to the milestones and then my son. Sending you great vibes and HOPE for your scan.

  9. 16/12/2010 at 12:19 pm

    Understandable you’re feeling the anxiety and fear associated with the weight of this week and the memories of your loss. Will be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts and loads of hope your way that everything looks perfect at the scan!

  10. 16/12/2010 at 2:39 pm

    we’re all thinking of you and holding your spirits up…preg is just a waiting game. so many IF girls think the 2ww is bad! but then you wait for the blood test, then the scan, then the nuchal test, then…it goes on. i hope forever for you and that this is your take home child(ren)

  11. 16/12/2010 at 6:38 pm

    This is exactly the headspace I was in last time around, with DD. The first trimester was agonisingly long, I had gotten through it, calmed down, then got Gd. I think honestly, writing on here really helps and I wish I’d had this during that time. Hoping this is helping you a little bit. Going to email you soon too.

  12. 17/12/2010 at 5:42 am

    I am cautiously optomistic for you and saying so many prayers! I really hope everything turns out well and your scan will give you a little comfort. We will keep our fingers and toes crossed and, if necessary, I’ll even braid my hair for you! Love you much, chickadee and, if you need to chat or just want some support, email me anytime!

  13. 18/12/2010 at 11:09 am

    I am just stopping by to say that I am thinking of you today.

  14. 18/12/2010 at 9:25 pm

    Left you an award on my blog! Come over 🙂

  15. lifeslurper
    20/12/2010 at 8:14 pm

    Tas, congratulations! What wonderful news (the BFP, not your worries!)

    It is natural that you will feel a certain amount of fear after your darling Blobby. This does not that events will be repeated. Finding ways to get through those single hours will help. If you end up writing the world’s longest blog posts, what will it matter if it makes all this just that bit easier, at least you can really believe for yourself that all will be okay!

    In the meantime, I intend to get very excited about this! Woot woot!

    LS x

  16. 21/12/2010 at 10:23 am

    Just wanted you to know you’d been on my mind and hope everything is going well! I mentioned you on my blog today, hope you don’t mind…I just loved that previous post of yours so much, you really helped me to see a different side of things and helped me to not focus so much on fear. Hope you’re doing well ((hugs))

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