One Year On

I started this blog because I wanted to write about my miscarriage – to get the thoughts that haunted me out of my head.  However I’ve never really been able to do that; the thoughts are too much a part of me and are, I suspect, tattooed on the inside of my skull.  (Poor baffled archaeologist of the future!)  I don’t know that I’ll really write that much about it now, but this is probably as close as I’ve gotten.

Crinone can give you cramps, abdominal pain, and of course – my favourite – discoloured ‘cottage cheese’.  Especially when you’re using it for weeks on end.  I have some colourful cottage cheese at least once a day now, sometimes black and sometimes pale pink.  But last Friday it was bright red.  On the anniversary of my bleeding increasing before giving birth to an extremely premature Blobby.  It was such a horrid feeling of déjà vu.  The panicked phone call to a nurse, the arranging for testing, the agonising wait.  This time of course instead of an emergency ultrasound it was a blood test.

The vampire told me she’d walk my blood up to the lab immediately (it was the nice vampire I’d had the week before) and the IVF Unit should have the results by 12:30 or 1 pm at the latest.  My husband took me home to stay in bed and watch DVDs together; I was glad he didn’t even ask me if we should go to work or not.  At 3 pm we were going crazy, so I finally phoned them: I got one of the totally unsympathetic nurses who informed me the pathology lab had a machine down so they still didn’t have the results.  Did I want them to phone me when they came in?  WTF?!?  No, I had a blood test for no reason.  The IVF Unit closes at 4 pm and have been winding down for over-the-holiday closure so it can be impossible to get someone on the weekend, so I phoned again at 3:55.  I got the same unsympathetic nurse who sighed at me and said one of the other nurses was on another phone trying to get me.  She transferred me (to one of the nurses I love) and apparently my levels were 7683, so had doubled almost 5 times in the week since my last test.  Which is good, but of course that was what was in my blood – it doesn’t prove that my levels hadn’t plateaued or were going down.  She told me to relax, but also told me she realised that was impossible.  And to just take it easy the whole weekend.  That was my Friday the 17th of December 2010.

17 December 2009  I’d been having some spotting since Sunday.  At my obstetrician appointment on the 16th my OB did a scan and said all was well.  I woke up on the 17th with heavier spotting, but I went to work.  It got even heavier.  I didn’t care what the OB had said the day before, I was worried.  I tried phoning his offices – and the number was disconnected.  Huh?!  I checked the number on the ‘Information for Obstetric Patients’ he’d given me; same number.  I googled and googled until I found a different number for him – and finally got through.  I was supposed to be chairing a meeting but I totally blew it off and ran into a stairwell to escape the charming open-planness of my office.  My obstetrician wasn’t available but my call was passed to the midwife.  She told me to get to my GP and get a urgent referral for an ultrasound.  I got an emergency appointment and taxi to my GP.  She sent me to an ultrasound place I wasn’t too keen on (a few months previously they’d mistakenly diagnosed me as having a lump in my breast which when I went to have it biopsied didn’t exist) but at least it was an appointment.  I was told to drink a stupid amount of water, then met up with my husband to get me to the hospital.  Where of course I had to wait in a hallway, in pain from stress and too much water in the bladder.  We got a trainee sonographer.  Great.  But we saw dear Blobby, waving at us, very alive, and measuring perfectly for his 14 weeks and 1 day.  We were told all was well and were sent off.  I returned to the same hospital approximately 12 hours later with my dead son.

It was a very stressful, strange weekend and horrible reminiscent of the same weekend last year.  Scott was out at a work Christmas do the evening of the 17th, just as he was in 2009.  He also was away for most of the 18th.  The Fertile One distracted me though.  We had a picnic in a park between our houses.  She and her partner let me relax on the picnic blanket with her bub while they ran around with our dogs playing frisbee.  Looking up at the sky I remembered something I’d forgotten: that day a year ago when I was in my hospital room waiting for a D & C, I spent much of the day looking at the sky.  All the clouds looked like Blobby that day, and it was the same on Saturday.  Bright blue sky and Blobby-esque clouds.  After the picnic I just went to bed for the rest of the day.  The bleeding had increased again and was bright red.  And I felt very alone.  I was distracted by DVDs and messages from a friend.  And tried to get myself into a chocolate coma.

Well I’ve gotten past that weekend and even past Sparkie’s first scan.  I’ve seen a heartbeat.  But I keep having pink or black discharge; I’m just so scared.  Last night it was bright red and heavier again.  I feel quite alone – between the support of my IVF clinic and not yet a patient of my obstetrician.  And of course it’s the holidays; my RE will be in Paris and there won’t be any nurses at the end of a phone.  My only experience of pregnancy ended in death, and it just seems such a crazy idea that it could be any different.

74 more doses of Crinone to go.

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  1. 23/12/2010 at 1:53 pm

    The bleeding is terrifying. I also had a lot of it if you go back a couple of posts. And I mean A LOT. I was sure I am miscarrying. But I didn’t. At least not yet. Take it one day at a time, and really, seeing the heartbeat makes the chance of miscarrying so much less. BUt it is still so scary, I know.

  2. a
    23/12/2010 at 1:55 pm

    I hope you can reach the point where you can set the fear aside, but I know that’s almost impossible. However, you should be able to get your OB’s office to recognize that your mental health is very important, and get you in for frequent scans. Glad you made it through that awful anniversary – I hope there are no more scares.

  3. 23/12/2010 at 2:34 pm

    I so wish there were someone else for you to talk to … your clinic seems horribly cold and unsympathetic. Will an OB have a better answer than your RE?

    I also wish I could do something to distract you … this is a craptastic place to be, emotionally, especially now.

    Breathe.

  4. 23/12/2010 at 6:32 pm

    (HUGS) hon, I really hope it’s either old blood coming out because of the uterus expanding or the placenta moving up. Thinking of you.

  5. 23/12/2010 at 8:53 pm

    I am so sorry that you are going through this honey and am hoping it is just the Crinone being the horrid irritating stuff that it is. Thank you so much for having the courage to share some of Blobby’s story. I know this was incredibly hard for you.
    Love xxxooo

  6. Still A Guest Room
    24/12/2010 at 12:33 am

    So sorry you are going through this…and I really hope to continue reading about wonderful scans from you.

  7. Erin
    24/12/2010 at 12:39 am

    I also am on Crinone and had some blackish and pinkish crap coming out of me. Not all the time but periodically. So nice to add to the worry, right? I started barely inserting the applicator.

  8. 24/12/2010 at 1:10 am

    Such a scary time for you. So full of horrible memories, threatening to come full circle. I am sending you and your spark lots of sticky vibes. I hope that the bleeding stops soon, and time moves forward quickly for you. How stressful.

  9. 24/12/2010 at 1:39 am

    So scary, and it’s not unreasonable to feel this way. Especially near an anniversary. Many hugs to you.

  10. Sarah
    24/12/2010 at 6:11 am

    How scary, and even worse that it is on the anniversary!!

    I hope everything settles down and you have a healthy Happy pregnancy!

    Happy Holidays and Happy ICLW
    #50

  11. 24/12/2010 at 8:24 am

    I am sorry that you are going through this exactly a year after your miscarriage. I am hoping that you get much better results this time around though! Take care!

  12. 24/12/2010 at 9:09 am

    So sorry that you are going through this right now. This should be a time to be happy and instead you are plagued with stress. I really hope you get some answers soon and that you only get good news.

  13. the crazy cat woman
    24/12/2010 at 9:12 am

    How utterly terrifying for you. I don’t know what to say… I just wish that it could be easier for you this time round.

  14. 24/12/2010 at 12:32 pm

    I’m so sorry it’s such a frightening experience for you. It just seems so unfair that there is a world full of people out there that reproduce at the drop of a hat and charge through pregnancies fearlessly, and here we are terrified every step of the way. I do hope this little Spark stays put and that you’re able to relax and enjoy the pregnancy a little bit after you get past this hurdle.

  15. Jem
    25/12/2010 at 10:44 am

    What a scary situation, eerily too familiar. Hope it goes well.

    ~Jem (ICLW #5)

  16. 26/12/2010 at 4:47 pm

    I’m sorry you’re going through this.

    I had miscarriages exactly a year apart [two of many], it sucked but I still made sure to enjoy each of the pregnancies as much as possible for as long as they lasted.

    I know it’s easier said than done BUT don’t focus on the past, it can’t be unchanged and it probably won’t be repeated [if you’ve only had one miscarriage your chances of another are actually low, the chances only go up once you’ve had 3 or more or so I’ve read and have been told].

    Embrace your fear, don’t ignore it but also mix in some positive thoughts as well.

    Thinking of you.

    ~Happy ICLW~
    #14 http://themissruby.blogspot.com/
    ♥ May your New Year be filled with Hope
    And remember in 2011 to….
    ♥ take risks regularly and love hard & without fear
    ♥ cry frequently but laugh daily

  17. 27/12/2010 at 1:34 pm

    Did they mention at subchronic (sp?) bleed to you? Its a bleed around the outside of the placenta but can be harmless…just something to consider. I cant imagine how you are feeling but I think if I were you, until I am with a real Doc who can give me some answers, I would stay off my feet in bed. Thats the best thing you can do when you dont know what to do. I am crossing everything for you and hoping for the best. Hang in there.’ xx

  18. Krystal
    27/12/2010 at 4:03 pm

    So sorry to hear about what you’ve been through. Is there any way to see your ob/gyn ahead of time, especially while they RE office is out? I hope you can put your mind at ease soon. Best wishes.

    krystal-
    ICLW #111 Buzz off infertility

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