Home > Weekly Updates > 12: 30% of 40

12: 30% of 40

12 weeks.  The milestone all the normals are overjoyed to reach and think they’ve put all possibility of something going wrong behind them.  To me it’s just another week.

The Paragraph In Which I Admit To You All Just How Neurotic I Am I’ve only told one other person in the world this – my husband doesn’t even know – but I already have a ‘just in case’ bag packed.  When I was in hospital after miscarrying Blobby I wasn’t ready.  Of course; I was only 14 weeks 2 days.  So  when my husband brought me clothes and toiletries it was the most bizarre mix of things.  A shirt he loves on me – because it’s tight and shows off my boobs – that I hadn’t worn for a couple years and was certainly not what I was in the mood for, especially as I didn’t realise I was lactating until I got home.  A brush he’d bought at the chemist down the road from the hospital that couldn’t begin to tame my thick hair.  Nothing to wash my face with.  Shampoo but no conditioner.  A bra that was so old it was painful.  So I have a bag packed with toiletries, undies, an old but not too horrid bra (‘cuz I’m wearing my good ones), sanitary pads, etc.  And I’ve also already booked a pre-admission appointment with the hospital.  It’s not unusually early, but at my last OB appointment he said it could wait until after my next one.  But the thing is I want them to know I’m their patient.  When I was miscarrying Blobby and didn’t know what was happening I didn’t know who to contact.  The OB’s instructions say to contact the hospital if something is happening after hours, but I didn’t know who to contact at the hospital.  It still haunts me that maybe something could have been done to save Blobby if only I’d gotten to the hospital sooner.  But he was born 3 days before my admission appointment was scheduled and I was too lame to know what to do.  I figure whatever happens at this point I’ll be going to hospital whether it’s sooner or later, so I’d rather the hospital know who I am and I know who to contact at the hospital.

I’m still having a lot of trouble eating.  If it was up to my body I’d eat nothing but bagels, pasta, and rice.  Plain.  Or with cream cheese or sour cream.  I don’t feel as constantly nauseous, but the idea of most foods makes me start to gag.  But I’ve been making it choke down some veggies too.  It makes me nervous as part of me knows it’s a bad idea to eat a food I normally love if there’s a chance vomit – and risk never liking the food again.  But I’ve been trying to come to a compromise with my body.  Like having rösti topped with spinach and mushrooms (at least the potatoes and mushrooms I’ve grown myself).  Or pasta with tomatoes and basil from my garden.  But my poor lettuces; I haven’t eaten them in weeks or maybe months.  I usually live on salads.  My stomach has decided that reflux and acidity should be a regular feature of my day.

I thought I was over the headache/nausea thing, but yesterday I woke up feeling quite blah.  And of course I had a meeting scheduled with someone I’d been trying to catch up with for months.  so I sent, and she immediately asked if I was up the duff.  Ironically I’m working with the nursing service that does checks on newborns, etc (this is the project I got put on when I said I couldn’t handle child abuse and neglect any longer), but she was mainly OK.  She asked how far along I was and when I said a day short of 12 weeks she gave me the ‘no worries of anything going wrong now’ thing, so I told her about Blobby.  Her face looked a bit horrified at first, but then she got chipper again and told me a bit about herself.  She had 2 miscarriages, both at 6 weeks, so says she’s stopping at one child.  She kept being chipper about things and as I was discussing what the information system needed to do kept excitedly putting it in terms of what would be happening to me, and I politely asked her to not do that.  I told her I appreciated her enthusiasm and encouragement but felt uncomfortable.  She was REALLY nice about it and stopped without getting offended (I hope).

Compared to a couple weeks ago I’m sleeping really well.  Some nights are worse than others of course, but I get the occasional good night and actually wake up feeling rested!  I only have to head to the loo about twice a night (for a few weeks there it was 4+).  I’ve been having a lot of random aches in the abdomen, but I’m trying to tell myself that’s my uterus changing.  I hope.  I’m terrified of contractions.  When I had them before Blobby died I didn’t know that’s what they were – I wasn’t expecting them at 14 weeks.  Friday night and Saturday I had an ache that kept coming and going that made me very nervous, but if I thought about it it wasn’t that painful – and it was only on the left side.  So I tried not to be crazy.

I’ve not gotten much exercise.  I’m still rather dizzy.  The one plan I had for a nice long walk, at the dog beach with The Fertile One on Sunday morning, I had to cancel because I had (sorry) diarrhoea and couldn’t leave the house.  I’m trying to go for a walk at lunch but keep reading blogs instead!  Wednesday nights Lottie and I walk with The Fertile One, so at least we’ll both get a walk in tonight.  I’m hoping as I get more sleep maybe I’ll have more energy to have a regular walk after work.  Lately I just get home and crash!

The NT scan and bloodwork is tomorrow.  I’m terrified of the first minute of the scan.  I had a terrifying moment on Sunday when for no real reason out of the blue I was convinced Sparky had died.  I think my anxiety levels peak just before scans.  I think Blobby’s NT scan was quite honestly the best hour of my life.  Everything was perfect at that point, and my very pregnant sonographer not only seemed very thorough checking out all his organs, etc but also was very considerate about giving us images of Blobby’s face and body.  Mind you I suddenly felt very protective of him and sorta wanted to punch the sonographer in the abdomen each time she tried jabbing him with the ultrasound thingy to get him to move into a good position.  And now I run into her all the time at the grocer with her daughter.

What I am taking:

  • Blackmores Pregnancy & Breast-Feeding Gold 2 x daily
  • Low dose aspirin daily
  • NO Progynova (2mg)
  • NO Crinone 8% vaginal gel

That’s a slight lie.  I have 2 extra Crinone doses, so I’m taking them today and tomorrow.  (I’ve spent more money on Crinone than on the egg donor!)  But after that I’m off the Progynova and Crinone.  I’m hoping I’ll suddenly feel great (ha!), but I’d be happy with just continuing on and not having any dramas.  Last night was my last Progynova dose, and I’ve put the card of little blue pills away into the back of the pantry.

Upcoming milestones:

  • Today: posting my registration form to the hospital’s maternity and women’s health unit
  • Tomorrow:  NT scan
  • 10 February:  hospital pre-admission appointment
  • 18 February:  next OB visit
  • 18 February:  14 weeks 2 days, the age Blobby was when he died
  • 9 March:  17 weeks.  For some reason I’m having an irrational fear about being 16 weeks, so I’ll be glad if I hit 17.
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Categories: Weekly Updates
  1. a
    02/02/2011 at 10:07 am

    Of course you want to control everything you can control – and if an emergency bag helps calm some of your fears, then pack away. I’m hoping you won’t need it and will have to repack it in 25 more weeks.

    If the only thing you want to eat are bagels and pasta and rice, so be it. You’re getting the vitamins and minerals that you need through vitamins, so don’t worry too much about it until you feel like eating other foods. I think fighting those urges makes you feel worse. It won’t last forever – another couple weeks at most (hopefully).

    Hurray for the end of your hated drugs!

  2. MKW
    02/02/2011 at 10:52 am

    Ah 12 weeks. Twelve weeks was when I originally breathed a little easier. Twice. Then they both died after and suddenly 12 weeks means nothing. 14 weeks 3 days may be a terrifying day, but it will also mean more to you than 12 weeks.

    As for the food…well, eat what you can and don’t force yourself too much. I know it must get rather boring but hopefully your appetite will return soon. From here the weeks seem to be going by fast and slow, so I can only imagine how they are for you.

    Know I am sending you love and hope and hand squeezes and hugs every day. I know I still owe you an email. I’ve been horrid at catching up on emails lately. Blogs are easy on my phone, but for some reason I fall short with email. *sigh* It will happen.
    Looking forward to hearing more of your pregnancy, and congratulations!!!!! On being off the crinone and progynova

  3. Still A Guest Room
    02/02/2011 at 12:56 pm

    I hope your appointment tomorrow goes wonderfully!

  4. 02/02/2011 at 1:36 pm

    poor salads. I felt the same way, like I was somehow betraying my garden this summer. Honestly, nothing wrong with bagels and rice, if that’s what your body wants … especially at this point in the pregnancy, and especially since you’re diligently taking a prenatal.

    I was having pains early in my second trimester, too, and spent a lot of time being completely neurotic about it. My midwife, who is very calm and no-nonsense without being overly lovey, assured me that it was my uterus changing, and I took a deep breath and chose to believe her. Mostly. It helped.

    And honestly, I think being packed isn’t a bad thing. There’s so much we can’t feel in control of (I am very type A, so this fact frustrates me to no end) … so if there’s some small thing you can do that makes you feel like you’re connected to a hospital, to resources, to people who can help, then I think you should do it.

    I think we should all do a “farewell, Crinone” dance for you … that’s a milestone in and of itself! Fingers xx’d for a good scan tomorrow.

  5. 02/02/2011 at 1:41 pm

    Sorry you’re still feeling sick! And I’m sorry you feel so worried. I understand why you’re fearful, though, and I think you’re doing the right thing by getting prepared. It will make you feel a lot better to be prepared. I am so eagerly waiting the big milestones with you. I pray you have an uneventful rest of pregnancy. Hugs to you, Sweetie!

  6. 02/02/2011 at 2:37 pm

    I’m 12 weeks too and we’re probably the same in that our anxiety will start going WAY up now (as if it hasn’t been high enough already!). I’m so sad and angry that I don’t get to breathe a sigh of relief right now like most every other woman can at this point. And I have to try to hide the little bump I’ve worked SO hard to get because really I can’t handle any chipper conversations such as the one you endured so well.

    Hope it’s great news for you tomorrow. That pre-scan anxiety is horrible!

  7. The Crazy Cat Woman
    02/02/2011 at 3:06 pm

    Considering what you’ve been through I think your level of neuoricism is totally understandable. You are doing everything you can to minimise the stress of a stressful situation in the best way you can. It may well sound neurotic to a fertile but to me it sounds quite sane and sensible. Good luck with your scan tomorrow.

  8. Chon
    02/02/2011 at 9:31 pm

    I am thinking less neurotic and more sensible. I can’t wait for you to get pass that sad date so you can fu.Loy embrace sparky. You are doing so well! Tonight I had a mixed bean salad with green, purple kings and a German sounding name bean! With red onion and feta cheese. Beans from the garden and also had some skinny yellow peppers. Delicious and fresh!

  9. 03/02/2011 at 4:47 am

    I so understand. I don’t know when I will feel that it’s safe to celebrate, eager as I am to finally have something to celebrate on the TTC front. So many of my cousins have announced their pregnancies to the entire extended family the second they peed on a stick, and that just seems so naive, so dangerous, to me. And yet–my parents know how long we’ve been trying, and I’d love to share our news with them–but it’s just too soon. Maybe after we hear the heartbeat? I don’t know… Anyway, I understand your caution. I agree that it’s sensible, not so much neurotic. Also, congrats on 12 weeks! That is a great milestone (though I understand why it doesn’t feel completely that way). I’m excited for you!

  10. 03/02/2011 at 11:06 am

    Hey babe, I get the need to have a bag packed. If I was in that situation it would be the same-no one would know what to bring/where to find my stuff. I don’t think you should feel guilty about doing this, you have been through *so* much. I don’t think you should feel too guilty about the lack of veggies-it is so hard to eat well in the first trimester and you’re right about the ‘vomit risk’. It would be awful not to enjoy that food again when you work so hard growing your veggies! I’m really hoping the reflux calms down a bit now you’re off the Progynova-it gave me plenty of stomach upsets. It *might* be the cause of the diarrhoea too.
    I will be on pins and needles tomorrow til I get the all clear your appt went well. I’m totally positive it will. It’s my job to think positive for you, so I am going to do it! Good idea putting the pills in the back of the cupboard-it’s much harder to feel tempted to take them just in case now!! I’ll be thinking of you all day tomorrow. What time is it?
    love

  11. 03/02/2011 at 1:48 pm

    ‘the normals’ – I love this.

    It is completely understandable that you are anxious about scans and tests and the entire pregnancy actually. You’ve been through so much to get to where you are and it sucks that you’re not able to just sit back and enjoy it like the blissful normals do. I can understand wanting to have a just in case bag packed, but I so hope you’ll not have any use for it.

    Also – I’ve given you a blog award. If you feel like participating in it you can find the details on my blog.

    Anxiously waiting to hear the NT results.

  12. Kel
    04/02/2011 at 8:29 pm

    am loving your milestones 🙂 I am always happy when I come across your blog and read that things are going well for you and your journey.

    I seem to be hearing alot lately that Crinone is expensive? how much is it per pessary to buy?

    I am currently on Gonal F & Cetrotide injections atm, scan on Monday, anxious but glad we are finally on the rollercoaster but also looking forward to getting off it! I’ve never been one for rollercoasters actually!

  1. 12/04/2011 at 1:40 pm

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