Home > Weekly Updates > 13: 32.5% of 40

13: 32.5% of 40

13 weeks.  With Blobby I started spotting at 13 weeks 4 days.  Not that I have any expectations that things will go wrong in exactly the same way, but just sayin’.  It’s not like I can get it out of my mind.  I can even remember what I was watching on the tele when I slipped to the loo, did the normal reflexive inspection, and to my horror found blood.  I went back to the living room and told my husband I felt certain it was the beginning of the end.  He of course laughed it off.

Yesterday I received a phone call from my OB’s midwife:  Sparky’s NT test came back as being low risk.  I didn’t ask for the numbers – I’ll get them when I see Warren next week – but it’s good news.  I’m trying to feel excited about it, but I’m having trouble.  I feel quite disengaged, and it makes me feel terrible.  When Blobby died one of my billions of emotions was being upset that I hadn’t celebrated him while he was alive.  I think when you’ve been battling infertility for so long you either fit into the wildy-excited-it’s-finally-happened camp or the unable-to-believe-it’s-finally-happened camp if you finally get a BFP.  I’m definitely in the second, and I hate it.  When Blobby died I vowed if I ever got a BFP again I’d celebrate the little life.  What I wasn’t counting on what that this is an emotion, and emotions aren’t something you can just decide upon.  I constantly try to tell myself to celebrate; I constantly try to point out to myself how amazing it is Sparky exists.  I remind myself of how I still feel about Blobby and that whatever happens I’m Sparky’s mum too.  But I think it’s also time I accept how I’m feeling and not try to push myself.  I can’t make it happen, but I have to trust a change will happen at some point.  I’ll just concentrate on getting through each day and the coming milestones.

I’ve also been trying to accept that one day I might actually need maternity clothes.  I’ve been wearing loose trousers or one of those elasticy things for button holes with a ‘bump tube’ to cover up the gaping zip basically since transfer (at first because I was ridiculously paranoid of the embryos being squashed in my abdomen and now because when I sit down waist bands are uncomfortable).  So on the weekend I attempted to look and wound up really annoyed.  I’d just like something fairly simple and plain – and that fits.  I don’t think my body should be a billboard for someone’s idea of a cute phrase nor do I want to dress like a grandmother with no fashion sense.  This makes it sound like I founds lots of (bad) options, but really there were only a couple things at the shops I went to.  Is it the changing seasons?  In a ridiculous huff I wound up ordering some things online from overseas, which is a bit crazy.  But I could get some decent, plain clothes in natural fabrics – and as I was ordering from the northern hemisphere almost everything I ordered (wintry things since Sparky’s EDD is in August) was on sale.  I haven’t gone crazy: I took screen shots of everything in case I need an image when I sell the never-worn maternity cloths on eBay.  Cuz it’s crazy to think things might get that far.

While I’m doing all sorts of hesitating, my husband’s plowing ahead with the happy.  He happily chats about things we’ll do in the future with Sparky.  He talks to the dog about Sparky.  He tells her while he’s giving her a bath how much he’ll like bathing Sparky.  If we run into someone who doesn’t know we seem to follow this script:

Husband:  Tell them your news!

Me:  It’s your news too.

Husband: We’re expecting!!

Hapless Victim:  Great!

Husband:  (Smiles goofy, happy smile.)

Me:  (Weak, unconvincing grimace-grin; hopes floor swallows self up.)

My husband keeps forgetting that Sparky’s ovum came from a donor.  I don’t remember how we got on the topic of noses, but he mentioned the other day that Sparky should be safe because he doesn’t think either of us have a horrible looking nose.  I stared at him for a bit, then reminded him that the donor profile didn’t include a box to tick for unattractive or attractive noses, so we don’t know which the donor has.

Food, sleep, and exercise still aren’t really my friends.  The other morning I was feeling particularly bad about that (ironically because I’d just walked into the city for work, which I used to do all the time but haven’t done in ages).  But my husband and I stopped at the cafe in front of the public hospital for breakfast, and I saw more than one severely obese pregnant women smoking in the forecourt.  I’m such a bitch that it made me feel better about myself.  I’ve decided that killing all smokers and wearers of heavy perfumes is a public service as it will keep me from randomly vomiting in public.

What I am taking:

  • Blackmores Pregnancy & Breast-Feeding Gold 2 x daily
  • Low dose aspirin daily

That’s right – I’ve taken Crinone and Progynova off the list completely.  They are no more.  I spend a lot of time thinking I’ve forgotten to take something.

Upcoming milestones:

  • Tomorrow:  hospital pre-admission appointment
  • 18 February:  next OB visit
  • 18 February:  14 weeks 2 days, the age Blobby was when he died
  • 9 March:  17 weeks.  For some reason I’m having an irrational fear about being 16 weeks, so I’ll be glad if I hit 17.
  • 25 March:  Sparky has 2nd row centre seats for Weird Al Yankovic!  (Not really a Sparky milestone, but I’m trying to put some more milestones in the future and hope we make them.  Sparky would be 19 weeks and 2 days; would he/she be able to hear??)
Categories: Weekly Updates
  1. 09/02/2011 at 12:16 pm

    I completely relate to the conflicting emotions, in fact I just posted about it about an hour ago. I too am so torn, I feel like I should be thankful and try to be happy about this pregnancy but at the same time I’m terrified and worry about being too excited as everything could be over so quickly. Ugh, I also hear you on the maternity clothes!!! I ended up buying some things just a size or two bigger at regular stores during my last pregnancy as I was so disappointed in the selection in maternity stores. I found a couple on line stores, but even those were challenging at times. Hoping you love the new clothes you ordered and that things continue forward smoothly for you. Sending lots of positive vibes and love your way ((hugs))

  2. a
    09/02/2011 at 1:23 pm

    Conflicting emotions are entirely reasonable. It’s not like you trust your body to do the right thing to maintain a healthy pregnancy. Maybe if you get past these dates in your mind, you’ll be able to start celebrating. Or maybe you’ll be shellshocked until your take-home baby is a year old. You never can tell. But, at 13 weeks, the odds are with you, so that’s something.

    Poor Sparky! Weird Al? Really? 😉

  3. Still A Guest Room
    09/02/2011 at 1:54 pm

    Thinking of you this week.

  4. The Crazy Cat Woman
    09/02/2011 at 1:56 pm

    I was recently reading somewhere about different women’s experiences with IVF pregnancies. There were many who described feeling like you do. One of them said she felt completely disconnected until the baby was 4 weeks old and then the love and happiness finally hit her and never went away. You’re right – they’re emotions (often silly, irrational things in my experience) and you can’t really control them so it’s probably best to do your best to accept them.

    Your hubby’s enthusiasm sounds quite lovely (if a bit uncomfortable-making for you).

    Looking forward to your next update.

  5. 09/02/2011 at 2:58 pm

    I love your posts – often you say exactly what I’m thinking! I’m scared of maternity clothes. Luckily I don’t have to buy any but wearing what I’ve got is hard because I’m terrified I’ll soon be packing them away – again. I hope the stuff you ordered works out well – it’s always scary getting clothes you can’t try on first.

    And I’m sure it can be annoying that your hubby sort of forgets that Sparky’s from a donor egg, but it’s kind of awesome, too. Sparky is YOUR baby, and the rest is just details!

  6. 09/02/2011 at 3:30 pm

    I veered between chuckling at your post when you describe doing me a service of killing smoking pregnant women – come on and check out a local shopping centre down here – you will have a spree and between unutterable sadness that you are feeling this way. I think week 15 will be your turning point you know? But I can understand why you are scared. I think that hubby forgetting is really sweet and lovely and the fact this baby is totally yours. It is feeding off you and living because of you. Remember that. xx

  7. 09/02/2011 at 8:00 pm

    I have finally decided that I have to forgive myself for feeling disconnected from this pregnancy. I am still doing everything I can to ensure success, so I know my emotions aren’t physically hurting the fetus. I think that you’re doing an amazing job keeping it all together.

  8. 10/02/2011 at 1:22 am

    Your thoughts are totally valid–I can imagine how tough it is right now. Sending you positive thoughts!

  9. 10/02/2011 at 1:26 am

    it’s ok to feel whatever you are feeling. there were times I was disconnected until the end, fearing the worst. take pleasure when you experience joy (movement, etc.) but don’t beat yourself up for what is definitely normal!! thinking of you often …

  10. 10/02/2011 at 7:45 am

    Go little Sparky! It is such a hard balance – trying to enjoy what is happening *now* without getting carried away by fear / hope for the future. When I was pregnant with Haloumi, when I found myself wishing to be at a much more certain stage, I kept reminding myself, this is an important time for Haloumi. Which didn’t always work, but was some comfort.

    So glad to hear the NF test came back with no cause for worry. And your husband – so cute with the goofiness! Sparky is so hugely loved already!

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