14: 35% of 40 (Plus 1 Day)
14 weeks 1 day. I’ve had a nasty summer cold and have only been accessing the outside world via my phone and not my laptop, so I didn’t post yesterday. I still feel awful but am at work today (however have been extremely naughty and have spent more time catching up on blogs than working!). I’ve felt awful. It started out as a nasty sore throat, then the glands in my throat decided it would be attractive to impersonate a neck brace, then the glands calmed down and the mucus moved in (I thought this was a positive sign that things were progressing to a close!), then I couldn’t sleep for a couple nights because my nose was too full of snot and I keep coughing, hacking, and sneezing. I’m still coughing, hacking, and sneezing – but the nose is clearing. Maybe only another box or two of tissues and I’ll be fine. So that’s how I spent my long weekend and half the working week.
I’m feeling strange about things today. On the surface numb, but totally and completely ready to start bawling my eyes out at the same time. My mind is screaming to me updates about what was happening at this stage with Blobby; I can’t silence them. Basically at 14w1 I was rushing to emergency appointments because I kept telling people things were going wrong and having everyone say things were fine. Sometime in the early hours of the morning Sparky will (cross fingers/touch wood) be older than Blobby ever got to be.
After pushing myself last week, I’ve come back into my safe cocoon of not dealing with things. It’s a much more comfy place to be. I haven’t read anything – especially not all the info the hospital gave me last week with its copious photos of happy mums and bubs. I received a parcel with clothes I ordered from overseas, but I haven’t even opened it. (Very strange behaviour for me; I usually LOVE parcels.) I’m mildly scared because my tummy suddenly doesn’t seem as big, I’m not as hungry, and TMI alert my nipples aren’t as constantly, uncomfortable hard as they have been. But I’m having trouble even thinking about it enough to worry.
I had a bit of a break-down late last week. Believe it or not, talking about discharge isn’t my favourite thing, so in last week’s update I didn’t mention that ever since stopping the Crinone I’ve been noticing green discharge. Not all the time, but at least once a day. It had me worried, so I phoned the OB’s office late Thursday morning. By 5 to 5 I’d still not heard anything back, and a friend helped me realise I should phone. Which I did, and I was really annoyed that the nurse looked things up, found that my OB had responded to the question she’d sent in the morning, and told me it’s probably thrush. In exactly the same words she’d used when I’d phoned that morning, so it didn’t make me feel confident she’d actually contacted the OB. (That could just be me being crazy though.) I wasn’t terribly impressed that she also didn’t give me any advice on how to deal with thrush in my present state. I’d think they’d be trying to keep patients informed and from consulting the ever-hysterical Dr Google, but I didn’t know what else to do. And all this just before a long weekend as I count down the days to when Blobby’s pregnancy ended. Shouldn’t I have been phoned back?! Shouldn’t I be told how to treat thrush if that’s what they think I have?!
By the next morning I was questioning whether I should be with this OB at all. If I can’t get questions answered, is this the practise for me? He seems lovely, but if his staff won’t take my worries seriously what’s the point? I made the fatal mistake of asking my husband, and he didn’t respond at all. So of course I took out all my frustrations him. Not that he doesn’t deserve a fair share, but it was thoroughly exhausting for me. I still don’t know what I’ll do/say when I have my OB appointment tomorrow. I’m angry. I know I’m not his only patient, but I will not be treated so casually – especially when I go out of my way to try not to be a nuisance patient and phone with every worry I have. And especially when I’ve already had a loss.
I get tired of all the whingeing I do here, but I guess it’s just what I’m experiencing. I’m not feeling any joy or expectation of wonderfulness; I’m just trying to get through the days. Trying to force happy feelings just makes me feel worse, so I’m just trying to cruise through as well as I can. And before you say it, NO – don’t expect getting through the next day to make any magical improvement in my mood. It’s not happening.
What I am taking:
- Blackmores Pregnancy & Breast-Feeding Gold 2 x daily
- Low dose aspirin daily
It still feels strange to be taking such a small number of things!
- 18 February: next OB visit
- 18 February: 14 weeks 2 days, the age Blobby was when he died
- 9 March: 17 weeks. For some reason I’m having an irrational fear about being 16 weeks, so I’ll be glad if I hit 17.
- 24 March: physio session (me); father’s session (the husband)
- 25 March: Sparky has 2nd row centre seats for THE AWESOME Weird Al Yankovic!
- 16 July: Antenatal class
- 19 July: Doctor’s session