Home > Musings, Ovum Donor Pregnancy > Not What I Expected

Not What I Expected

Today hasn’t felt like I expected, not that I knew what that might be.  As soon as I woke up (and I actually slept about 5 hours last night!), I was upset and remembering what the time meant.  It was 6 am, so Sparky was officially a few hours older than Blobby ever had a chance to be.  I didn’t expect to feel so upset.

I don’t expect things to go exactly the same for Sparky as for Blobby.  On Sunday evening I was sort of bracing myself in case by some cruel coincidence I had some spotting (that’s when it started with Blobby).  But there wasn’t any.  I had a minor freak-out when I glanced at the TV schedule and saw that the programme I was watching when I went to the loo and saw that splot of blood was being re-run Sunday, as if just seeing it in the schedule made it more likely history could repeat.  But I was fairly calm aside from this.

I know a lot of women feel strange about getting a BFP after the loss of a child, as if this puts the first child further into the past.  I’ve never felt that way about Blobby and Sparky.  For me Blobby has always been more my inspiration to keep on fighting; without him I would never have fought so hard and kept going until I had this chance with Sparky.

But today it just feels soul-destroyingly unfair that Blobby didn’t get to live longer.  Not that I wish Sparky less life, I just wish Blobby had more.

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  1. a
    18/02/2011 at 2:11 pm

    It is unfair that Blobby didn’t get to live longer.

  2. 18/02/2011 at 3:14 pm

    Oooh, the TV rerun thing is creepy – that would scare me, too! Remembering Blobby with you today.

  3. 18/02/2011 at 4:23 pm

    Yay another milestone. Thinking of you and Blobby today.

  4. 18/02/2011 at 4:44 pm

    I cannot wait for the day when babyH gets to be older than little Adrian was…it will be sad but happy too.

  5. 18/02/2011 at 5:24 pm

    its really unfair disa, i once got told that our little ones were already perfect and didn’t have any lessons to learn in this life, that they were only here to teach others. i’m still trying to work out what i was meant to learn!! sending your sweet blobby and sparky loads of love today and freaky that they were playing the same tv show. bug hugs to you xxx

  6. Anxiousmummy
    18/02/2011 at 10:42 pm

    The tv thing is weird but then again free tv can be repetitive! I totally agree, it is so unfair you had to lose Blobby so early. I am so happy you have Sparky but it never replaces what you lost. You just have to find a way to enjoy the new normal. ((hugs))

  7. Still A Guest Room
    19/02/2011 at 4:17 am

    Thinking of you today.

  8. 19/02/2011 at 8:15 am

    Thinking of you today. It’s possible to love both your babies as they were both beings, and it’s unfair that you aren’t welcoming your second child into the world right now. Sparky is not Blobby’s replacement. I think it’s normal to feel this way.

  9. 19/02/2011 at 12:39 pm

    Thinking of you … and I was going to say the same as Jessica … Sparky’s life doesn’t make Blobby’s any less significant, or make you mourn him any less. *hugs* to you.

  10. 20/02/2011 at 6:19 am

    Oh, dearest friend… I am thinking of you! You are so right… getting the BFP after loss is such an awkward feeling. Here’s to a continued, wonderful pregnancy with Sparky and blessings to Blobby.

    Hugs!

  11. 22/02/2011 at 5:20 am

    I am so glad that Blobby inspired you to keep on fighting, but so sad that he never had the chance to become a permanent fixture in your life. Such a difficult milestone for you to pass. I hope that things start getting a little bit easier from here on out.

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