Home > Weekly Updates > 15: 37.5% of 40 (Plus 1 Day (Again))

15: 37.5% of 40 (Plus 1 Day (Again))

15 weeks and 1 day.  I’m posting a weekly update a day late again because yesterday I was too busy having a VomitFest.  First thing in the morning I just heaved and heaved until I was just a quivering mass on the floor clutching my husband’s dirty shirt because the laundry basket was closer than the bin.  Poor husband.  He immediately said he’d stay home from work to take care of me (he is good at that) and spent a good deal of the morning running up and down the stairs, swapping used bowls for fresh ones.  I feel asleep from exhaustion mid-morning-ish, which was a relief, and only woke briefly to get some water and plain bread into me before getting more sleep.  I felt a bit better in the evening and spent several hours awake and having bland food and water.  I was worried I wouldn’t sleep much after all the snoozing during the day, but I slept fairly well and could have slept longer had the alarum not woken me up.

I’d hoped I had left vomiting behind me, but if I’m going to revisit things from weeks ago I would MUCH rather it be this than spotting!!  I was actually grateful for the vomiting yesterday when I realised I wasn’t spotting and hadn’t for weeks.  Although it makes eating better difficult, I’ll vomit to the end if I can just please have no spotting!

Up until yesterday I’ve trying to eat better now that I can (usually) stand more foods.  For weeks I was surviving mainly on plain pasta and water (and was back to that yesterday, but hopefully not for long). I’ve been able to keep down a better variety of food, although sometimes in the middle of eating I suddenly can’t stand it any more.  Sometimes my vitamin supplement makes me gag – or even just opening the lid of the bottle.  I also can’t have big meals; I just start feeling blah.  However that’s probably good; smaller meals spaced throughout the day seems to be the go.  And I still loath my poor beloved garlic.  I’m trying to eat a bit better with the spectre of potential gestational diabetes looming; my darling AnxiousMummy has been a big help there!

I find it impossible to believe I’ve made it this far, but it seems I have an impossibly long way to go if things continue well.  It’s strange to think Sparky is older than Blobby ever was, but it’s not as painful this week that I’m not passing the various signposts left from the events of Blobby’s short life.  Not as painful, but still painful and totally unfair.

A commenter wondered if I was making things seem worse for poetic licence reasons.  Not. At. All.  My underlying emotions are fear and worry, not joy and excitement.  And sorry, I’m not likely to chill.  I’ve been through too much.  It’s taken too many years to get here and too much out of my life.  And my darling son Blobby died when everyone told me all would be well, even mere hours before I gave birth to him.  There is no explanation for his death, so there is nothing that can be done differently or monitored this time.  My experience is of death, not life, so this clouds everything.  Even with Blobby I couldn’t be open to joy after all I’d been through, and this time it’s even harder.  It makes me feel ungrateful; there are so many people who wish they were in this position and had this bit of hope.  I feel bad because I know there are bloggy friends who probably get frustrated that I have this opportunity but am being so negative when they haven’t gotten this far yet.  And they’re unselfishly sticking by me and still visiting my blog and giving me support.  However I’ve decided I can’t do anything about it.  I know my feelings will change with time whichever way things go, but I’m beyond trying to corral my emotions.  I’m experiencing what I’m experiencing.  I know why I feel this way, so I’m giving myself permission to not beat myself up about it.  I am what I am.

Sparky’s being given plenty of excitement and enthusiasm from my husband and some friends.  One of my best friends emails me each Wednesday to remind me how many weeks I am and tell me she’s still keeping up the excitement on my behalf.  And my husband spends lots of time talking to my abdomen and can’t keep from ‘petting’ it all the time (which I find a bit annoying but I don’t say anything because I think someone should be showing some enthusiasm!).

What I am taking:

  • Blackmores Pregnancy & Breast-Feeding Gold 2 x daily
  • Low dose aspirin daily

Upcoming milestones:

  • 4 March: OB appointment
  • 9 March:  17 weeks.  For some reason I’m having an irrational fear about being 16 weeks, so I’ll be glad if I hit 17.
  • 24 March:  physio session (me); father’s session (the husband)
  • 25 March:  Sparky has 2nd row centre seats for THE AWESOME Weird Al Yankovic!
  • 28 March:  20 week ultrasound (2 days before I’m actually 20 weeks)
  • 16 July:  Antenatal class
  • 19 July:  Doctor’s session
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Categories: Weekly Updates
  1. a
    24/02/2011 at 1:14 pm

    Sorry about the vomiting, but it’s definitely better than spotting. Hope it eases, though, so you can find some delicious food to eat.

    Feelings are feelings, and no one can tell you which ones you should have…including yourself. Glad to hear your friends and loved ones are taking up for you where you can’t.

  2. 24/02/2011 at 2:42 pm

    “Fear and worry, not joy and excitement” – exactly. I do wish people would stop for a moment to just imagine what it must be like to be pregnant after such a traumatic loss, instead of judging moms like us for not being excited enough.

  3. 24/02/2011 at 3:36 pm

    Yay for vomit! Ok, maybe not, but to me the idea of morning sickness is great! When I was pregnant I never felt anything and always worried that something was wrong (which of course there ended up being – both times). Although I can only imagine how horrible it felt physically, the relief of having strong pregnancy symptoms is probably worth the vomit.

    I don’t think it is ungrateful at all that you’re not doing the whole happy glowing pregnant mamma thing. My last pergnancy I kept telling myself that the next milestone would be the one at which I could relax but it never was. Hopefully once this little bub is snuggled up safely in your arms you’ll finally have a bit of relief from the worry. Then again, my parents still worry about me after 30 years so I suppose it won’t ever really go away.

    It’s great you’ve got friends and hubby to be excited and optimistic for you. Perhaps it will rub off on you eventually, or perhaps it wont. Either way you’ll be a great mum to this kid when s/he arrives.

    I hope the garlic thing doesn’t stick – how does one get through life without garlic?

  4. 24/02/2011 at 5:07 pm

    Ug – hope the nausea eases up soon. And I think you just feel whatever you feel – I don’t think there is any point judging the emotions that come up. You’ve got a good reason for having some mixed emotions about this pregnancy. Sending good (non-vomity) wishes your way.

  5. 24/02/2011 at 6:10 pm

    I am so glad that you’ve given yourself permission to feel the way that you feel. We have no guarantees in all of this, and you’re doing the best that you can to take care of yourself and get through each day. I am so happy that everything seems to be moving forward like it should, but I know that it’s a long month until your 20 week appointment.

  6. Anxiousmummy
    24/02/2011 at 7:24 pm

    Ugh! So sorry about the vomitfest! I still say eat what you can stomach and don’t worry too much 🙂 as for the other part of your post- that was me
    a few years ago. Of course it is hard to get excited and it’s totally exasperating hearing fertiles joke about contraception. Who the f&&@ cares if her pregnancy was unplanned? It’s not something she deserves sympathy for. Ok, rant over! Xxoo

  7. 25/02/2011 at 4:12 am

    So sorry to hear that you’re so sick. I have been blessed to not be sick at all this entire pregnancy, but I do know of some of my friends who were having trouble keeping food down – one of them was put on Zofran and the other Reglan. Maybe talk to your Dr. about either of those to help with the vomitfest.

    I am so sorry for the loss of your son and I totally understand your feelings. Hang in there sweetie. We’re all cheering for you.

    ICLW # 82

    ♥ T

  8. Natalie
    25/02/2011 at 5:23 am

    It is so hard to be pregnant after a loss. Especially an unexplained loss. You always keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is totally unfair to not be able to enjoy the pregnancy the way so many other women can. Just do what you can, get through this time and when you make it to the end and get to meet the little one, it will all be worth it.

  9. 25/02/2011 at 12:10 pm

    Oh you poor girl – heaving does NOT sound fun. I hope the sickness goes away soon. I totally get where you’re coming from with your underlying feelings being comprised of fear… it’s okay to feel that way. We’re here to keep your spirits up, because… you are in a good spot! And things will work out 🙂

  10. chhandita
    25/02/2011 at 4:10 pm

    Congratulations on the pregnancy! sorry about the morning sickness…Kinda, I mean morning sickness always reassured me that things were okay, so I had a love-hate relation with it.

    take care.

    Happy ICLW!

  11. 26/02/2011 at 2:24 am

    sorry about the vomiting, I really hope it passes for you soon. Minties were an absolute godsend for me around 15-17 weeks but after that they made my HG worse.

    Some of us are just not capable of doing that happy blissful ignorance pregnancy thing and you should never feel bad (or ungrateful) for feeling fearful and uncertain. I hope the 9th comes around quick for you.

  12. 26/02/2011 at 5:19 am

    I am also puking daily. That is just life. But I tell you, it takes away from the joy and excitement. So does the sad knowledge that we could lose everything in one moment. I understand where you come from.

  13. 26/02/2011 at 6:58 am

    Hope you feel better soon! And congrats on the pregnancy! Happy ICLW!

  14. 26/02/2011 at 4:12 pm

    WOW what a journey you have been on! I am sorry to hear about the barfing, I hope it stops soon…I can completely understand the fear and scared to get excited…You do what you need to do to get through. Wishing you a very uneventful pregnancy!!

  15. 27/02/2011 at 11:29 am

    I’m so glad everything is progressing well with Sparky. I love the boots in your last post! I have some very similar ones. Sorry to hear about the vomiting, that is just awful.I hope it improves soon.

  16. 27/02/2011 at 2:43 pm

    While I know vomiting is no fun, at least it does give you some degree of relief, as you stated. I’m still sorry you’ve been so sick, though.

    I’m really struggling to comprehend what the commenter who asked if you were putting on to make it sound better was thinking! None of us have to “put on” feelings on this journey. We feel what we feel and, more often than not, those feelings are pain, worry, despair and fear. I’m sorry you had such an insensitive comment and please know that many of us know you only state what you’re feeling. And you have every single right to do that on your own blog.

    (((Hugs)))

  17. 27/02/2011 at 3:53 pm

    Congratulations on your Sparky! Although I’m sorry you’re so sick! I cannot imagine the feelings and mixed emotions you must be going through. I won’t pretend to understand. I know many others in our community, however, do. I hope the fear and worry begin to fade into the background.
    Happy ICLW!

  18. 28/02/2011 at 10:17 am

    Hi, my names Belinda, just started reading your blog and I’m so sorry you’ve been sick. I think it makes perfect sense that you are still scared and worried! I’m hoping excitement comes in for your sake, but we can’t control these things and it’s understandable that its hard at present. Glad things are going well with Sparky though 🙂

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