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False Alarum

In the wee hours of Sunday morning, in that between time when I couldn’t get to sleep but didn’t think it was late enough to give up trying, I had flashbacks to Blobby’s birth/death.  It happens from time to time.  I’ve found I can’t fight it; I just have to let them come and go.  They are horrific, but they are part of Blobby’s story.  At once they hurt more than you can imagine but also keep parts of Blobby’s story fresh and alive in my mind.  (No, I’m not insane: I’d rather keep other parts of his story fresh and alive, but this is how I cope with these memories.)

I told myself that if it was going to happen sometime, that morning wasn’t the worse time because I’d be spending the day in a taketina session at a friend’s house.  Taketina is probably not something you’ve heard of, and when I try to describe it to people it doesn’t sound like something I’d like.  But I do.  There’s a leader who plays various instruments and leads the group through building up simple to complex rhythm patterns.  I really like it because it’s the one thing that can shut off the voices in my head, the thoughts that keep me awake at night and stressed throughout the day.  Perhaps it’s because I’m naturally clumsy and have no sense of rhythm so I have to really concentrate, but in concentrating I can lose myself.

The takekina leader is also my gardening mentor, Christina.  So lunch was great, mostly centred on things from her garden (although she kept it vegetarian and didn’t subject people to rabbit, which she farms out back).   Oh, and I brought some coconut flour brownies, of course. We had a long,  relaxing lunch.  I was feeling both part of the group but separate; the break was letting stressful thoughts come back  into my mind.

At some point I went to the loo and there it was, confirming all my worse fears:  pink on the loo paper.  Until I realised it was actually a sea horse.  I looked at the roll: green sailboats, blue anchors, orange starfish, and pink sea horses.  It’s been so long since I thought purchasing loo paper that was anything but 100% white was acceptable that I forgot the same might not be true of others.

I thought this was so funny, and felt such relief, that this turned around my mood completely.  I almost sent a message to AnxiousMummy so I could have someone to laugh at me with.  I didn’t want to get into a loo paper discussion with the others and didn’t think they’d understand anyway.  But I’m glad the day ended with me laughing at myself rather than the way it started.

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Categories: Ovum Donor Pregnancy
  1. a
    01/03/2011 at 10:12 am

    Isn’t it crazy how you can jump immediately to the worst possible conclusion, only to feel like a complete idiot when you step away from your fears and assess all the information? I think it’s a sign of progress that you’re able to laugh at yourself about it. Also glad it was just seahorses!

    Taketina sounds interesting…something I’d like to watch (although not participate in, as I am not much of a team player).

  2. The Crazy Cat Woman
    01/03/2011 at 10:59 am

    I had a moment of panic when I read about the pink onthe toilet paper, then laughed when I read the next line! I’ve had exactly the same feeling when a pair of white undies with red flowers on them gave me a fright!

    Where do you buy coconut flour around here? I’d be interested to try it.

  3. Still A Guest Room
    01/03/2011 at 12:33 pm

    Who buys printed toilet paper????

  4. Meg
    01/03/2011 at 1:48 pm

    Ha ha, I’ve done the exact same thing at a friends house, such a relief to realise it’s stupid printed paper!! But the night reliving blobby’s last hours sounds horribly draining. I know it’s very important to remember him, but I hope these type of nights don’t happen too often xxoo

  5. Anxiousmummy
    01/03/2011 at 2:23 pm

    I’m so honored to be in your thoughts 🙂 so happy you had a nice lunch and I understand the flashbacks starting again, this is such an anxious time, but of course you want to remember him. I’m sad that you are stressed but always here for you. Xxoo

  6. 01/03/2011 at 5:38 pm

    I think my heart would have stopped and I think it may have taken me a while to find the funny. So sad that your memories have to be so sad, but you seem to be processing them so well and coping so well.

  7. 02/03/2011 at 1:10 am

    I’m with you … no printed toilet paper in our house! How funny … I think my heart would have stopped, too, initially, though. And glad that the coconut flour brownie craze is overtaking Australia, one house at a time … 😉

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