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Things and Friends

Last weekend was a strange ol’ weekend.  Saturday started out quite normally with The Fertile One and I meeting early to walk our dogs at the beach for a few hours.  Afterwards we wound up meeting for lunch with my husband at a cafe she wanted to try out and that we love.  At one point my husband asked her if she had any pram recommendations, and she mentioned one she borrowed from her cousin while on holiday in QLD (she’s not in love with hers).  We had a lovely lunch, walked around a bit, and parted company.

After lunch the husband wanted to go back to a baby shop to get a bent wood rocker thing he saw last time.  And at the entrance to the shop they had the model of pram The Fertile One liked; it was discounted.  (Start playing overly dramatic, dark music – the sort that plays when you know the protagonist is in trouble!) He looked it over and wheeled it around – and bought it.  As well as the rocker thingo.  When I was only 18 weeks 3 days; before I’ve had an anatomy scan.  It blew my mind a bit.  I have baby things in my house.  Major ones.

In the wee hours of Sunday night or Monday morning, when I wasn’t able to sleep, I started an email to my friend AnxiousMummy.   I’d already told her about the pram and how freaked out I was that it was in the house.  Since the pram and I were both in the spare room (I’m such a light sleeper lately I often have to escape my husband’s snoring), I thought I’d list the features of the pram and hoped that in doing that I’d start to make peace with it.

Instead I started to feel ill; it was the little empty harness.  I’m scared it won’t be anything but empty. I’m scared of having or liking baby stuff in the house. Before Blobby died 2 friends had already given me things for him. One was a little white newborn onesie that I remember putting on my tummy and wondering at: it seemed so small yet so big at the same time.  I remember hugging it after Blobby died. I’d already injected hopes and dreams for him into it. And this was just one thing. I’m scared of my house being full of this type of thing; objects I’ve let grab my heart and imagination. Things outside of me that have become part of Sparky.  I really wish I could do these things and prepare and feel excitement for my Little Spark, but just as I used to prepare myself for the disappointment of a failed cycle, it’s hard not to prepare myself for a miscarriage.  It’s all I know.

Do you know how wonderful it is to know others who ‘get’ you?  AnxiousMummy’s reply both made me cry but made me feel better.  She understood my feelings, but also gave me great advice.  Among other things she reminded me that whether we get more baby stuff now or later, if something happens ‘there will be reminders of Sparky everywhere. Calendars with appointments, scan pics, old pill bottles. Plus all the reminders within you. So don’t worry if having these “things” around means you fantasise a little. Sparky would be on your mind anyway.’  And I know it’s true.

So here I am, with Things in my house.

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Categories: Musings
  1. 24/03/2011 at 4:02 pm

    You have “things” in your house! That’s a milestone in itself. I had a few items donated to me towards the end of my PG. They were left in the spare room to be dealt with after baby was born. I felt what you have but I agree, they are wonderful reminders regardless of the outcome.

  2. 24/03/2011 at 6:44 pm

    Ha, I also got some baby things today. Funny. It must be that time of the pregnancy then. It takes courage to have baby things again, especially since I also grieved over Adrian’s things that others gave us as gifts. But you know what, a baby lost is going to make us suffer immensely with or without stuff, so might as well have some fun dreaming now.

  3. 24/03/2011 at 8:42 pm

    Congrats on making a little bit of peace with the ‘things’ in your house. Those are major purchases, especially the pram. I will imagine that harness filled for you and hold hope close to my heart for you.

  4. Anxiousmummy
    24/03/2011 at 9:21 pm

    Awww this just brought me to tears! I feel so useless sometimes not being able to comfort you for real. It means so much to know my words touched your heart. Love xxoo

  5. 24/03/2011 at 11:32 pm

    Those Things are scary, I know, but perhaps you can also try to see them as hopeful Things … signs of what CAN come. One day at a time, friend. One breath at a time. You’re doing so, so well.

  6. 25/03/2011 at 1:18 am

    YAy! It is scary, I know. I made my first purchase for adoption and it freaked me out. Also, the stroller I want in on deep discount ($200 cheaper) and I feel like I should snag one now. But, I do wonder if that is a bad idea. Not that I am pregnant, but I do feel we are in a similar spot. (Except I might be randomly be told I have 5 days to prepare for a baby, whereas you get 9 months to ease in.)

    I am so happy for you though! Tell the universe who is boss!

  7. trisha
    25/03/2011 at 7:44 am

    It is scary!! I have a whole nursery now and sometimes I walk by and think “i will not be able to come back to this house if he dies” I feel the same way…iti s all I know! I am excited you have things! And, I can’t wait to hear about the anatomy scan

  8. Natalie
    25/03/2011 at 7:51 am

    Good for you for coming to terms with the pram that you bought. I am so afraid to get too mentally involved with this pregnancy of mine. I had a totally beautiful 12 week scan yesterday where the baby was moving around and kicking and afterward all I could do is cry for almost an hour. Not in relief but in fear that if something happened now I don’t know how I would survive. It seems like each good thing that I “should” be happy about just fills me with dread. I figured out yesterday that it is partly because I am waiting for someone to tell me why this one is working and the others didn’t, so I could keep doing whatever magical thing I’m doing. But no one knows, and I’m left to hold my breath for the next 6 months. I’m thinking about you and your pregnancy. It is nice to hear from someone who is thinking the same things I am.

  9. Still A Guest Room
    25/03/2011 at 9:14 am

    Thanks for sharing your friend’s response…

  10. 25/03/2011 at 11:11 am

    AnxiousMummy is right on, and things exist (both physical and in memories) regardless. It’s so hard when you’re trying so hard to keep your little one safe.

    Thinking of you! Hugs 🙂

  11. a
    25/03/2011 at 11:42 am

    Anxious Mummy is wise.

    Try picturing Sparky in that space instead of picturing it empty…at least some of the time, anyway.

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