Home > Musings > Dwelling

Dwelling

Today is Friday, the sun is shining, although mid-Autumn it’s a warm & gorgeous day, and I’ll spend a good portion of the day not working as my team’s going to lunch then having afternoon tea (it was a farewell for someone on contract – but his contract has now been extended).  So I’m telling myself I have no reason whatsoever to let myself get into the funk I let myself get into last Friday.

Last week Friday was a horrible day for me.  Firstly it should have been my last dog’s 12th birthday; instead she’s been dead for almost 4 years.  (I’ll have to brace myself for the 20th.)  Plus I let myself get grumpy that it was a week since the awesome Weird Al concert.  Yup, I was letting myself turn an experience I thoroughly enjoyed and will look back on fondly forever as a reason to add to my bad mood.  Sigh.

I’ve had several ruff years.  Lift wasn’t all sunshine and loveliness before we started TTC, but things have certainly been more difficult since.  We’ve had plenty of hardship, both fertility-related and in other parts of our lives.However I’m not the only person to have experiences like this.  Some people seem to be able to take it in their stride, however I seem to prefer dwelling in the house of pain and fear.

Have you ever been to or heard of a support group that seems to support the negative feelings about their common situation rather than help each other overcome something?  I’ve known a few, and at some points wondered if the choices I make about blogs I follow allows me to feed my negative feelings.  Another friend was wondering this recently too.

I’m not sure I do.  Many of the blogs I follow are people who have had similar experiences (so yeah, lots of pain), however rather than go to them to help validate my own negative feelings I think I get more that is positive from them.  I didn’t go near blogs or forums the first 4 years we were doing IVF, but I was still feeling the same feelings.  Since what I feel is so different from my husband, I felt a bit like a freak.  I’ve learned I’m not; my reactions to what I’ve been through are well in the scale of normal.  I can forgive myself for them – and I hope that’s a first step to dealing with them.  And I can feel more sincere joy for the happy experiences in the blogs I follow who have had similar experiences to mine because I can sympathise with the writers so much better.  There are happy times out there.

So I guess that leaves me with today and trying to get through it as well as I can.  Today I should remember that last week I was sad my last dog wasn’t around to celebrate her birthday, but that I can still celebrate it because she will always be my beautiful,  beloved dog.  And I should remember how great I felt after the Weird Al concert and not upset I don’t still have it to look forward too; maybe he’ll even tour to Oz again!  And today I should celebrate that Sparky is not only obviously an athlete but also clever since he’s invented a new sport, Bladder Ball.  Next week some renovations are happening at home, but maybe I could try to do the same in my mental domicile as well.

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Categories: Musings
  1. 08/04/2011 at 11:38 am

    I think that’s what I love about this community. Its members validate my feelings, but also encourage me to be a stronger, happier version of myself, because I can accept those feelings and move forward … not ignoring them, but realizing that they are a part of a much more complete me.

    If that makes any sense at all.

    Bladder Ball, ouch!

    Today. One day at a time, and one breath at a time, when today seems like too much.

  2. a
    08/04/2011 at 11:45 am

    Why are you pushing yourself to be over things? If you’re still thinking and feeling sad about a dog who died 4 years ago, it clearly takes you a long time to grieve. You surely have happy moments too, but don’t expect life to be sweetness and light because everyone else thinks you should be happy. Dwelling is, of course, probably not healthy, but feeling what you feel and not feeling bad about it is not dwelling.

    Also, all of these life experiences, which are clearly not easy ones, have probably changed you somewhat. Maybe you’re just not used to the new you – or you’re expecting to get back to the person you were “before.”

    Anyway, all that philosophizing to say…give yourself a break.

    Bladder ball does not sound like a very fun game though!

  3. 08/04/2011 at 12:11 pm

    Awww hon, sometimes when all you have dealt with for some time is pain and fear it is way too easy to focus on the negatives. But don’t you see you already have seen the light at the end of the tunnel and recognised your fears. So the rest is just baby steps. I agree with the above cut yourself some serious slack. 14 IVF’s man, people that aren’t strong could not go through what you have gone through and made it out to the other side.

    Te he he. Sparky just making his presence felt! He wants you to know he is very happier to be around.

    Go Pies

  4. 08/04/2011 at 1:23 pm

    My dog died at 12 years old 4 years ago, so I feel your pain. I still miss him and sometimes smell him in my home. I often wonder what he would have been like with Callum. You need to take a break – come to Sydney and I’ll feed you lots of Greek Easter stuff.

  5. 08/04/2011 at 3:46 pm

    I am also super emotional, I mean I cried today because my parrot was eating potato peels and I felt sad for him for being so silly and eating garbage. Who’s the silly one?

  6. 09/04/2011 at 10:03 am

    I also love this community because it helps me to see the amazing resilience we all share, the ability to survive immense grief, incredible challenges, and still encourage each other while moving forward and continuing to try. This community is what helps me to feel not so alone in this crazy IF world and I am also constantly inspired by the experiences others share.
    I hope you’re able to continue to see the “brighter” side of things, but also know that it’s normal and healthy to feel the opposite of that from time to time as well. Allow yourself to feel what you need to in each moment and know we’ll all be here with you in the sunshine & the rain ((hugs))

  7. Anxiousmummy
    09/04/2011 at 7:26 pm

    It is so weird that you wrote this post because I was on the verge of writing you an email asking if you felt odd about not cycling anymore. I mean, you did IVF for SO long, it natural that neg feelings would still float around. I also didn’t blog until 3 years into my journey. I really believe you ARE overcoming things- at your own pace. The progress will be painfully slow, but you will get there. The best thing about reading blogs and finding others with similar experiences is that you often have other stuff in common too! I love you, xo

  8. 13/04/2011 at 1:35 am

    Everything has a season – I forgot you guys are in autumn, while we are in springtime here. I used to read a TON of blogs, but since adopting, have had to cut back quite a bit as time is short. My husband thought I was reading a bit too much frankly. You will move on to other things but Anxious mum is right – at your own pace. What I find helpful is to make some time to read uplifting things – books, articles, buy something nice for just me.

    We still hear a certain song and miss our old dog,even though we have a new one now. He was a huge part of our lives for so long. You can’t help but miss family.

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