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Moving

Lately so much in my life seems to involve moving or movement. . .

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Sparky moves a lot.  I don’t know how other people experience this, but because I have an anterior placenta I feel him mainly above and behind my pelvic bone.  And often it sorta feels like he’s tickling the inside of my cervix (which makes me nervous).  He doesn’t whack me constantly.  I’ll get a whack, then a few minutes later another whack.  This and my placenta placement makes it difficult for my husband to feel him.  He felt a whack about 3 weeks ago, then nothing until he felt him moving quite a bit a few nights ago because he kept his hand in one place (usually he gets too impatient).  Except for one 36 hour period (and oh how I cried during it), Sparky’s usually quite good about moving around for me.  It’s so bitter sweet.  Part of me never wants him to leave, even as a healthy full-term bub, because I don’t want this to end.  Besides, I wouldn’t know what to do with a real, live bub – my focus has been on IVF for so long I don’t have any understanding of what comes next.  Part of me gets even sadder for Blobby.  He was moving around in there before he died, but I never had a chance to feel him – just saw him move on ultrasounds.  I feel selfish that I get to feel Sparky so much.  It’s such a wonderful privilege, and I can’t believe it’s something that’s happening to me.

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We moved into the spare downstairs bedroom.  We have a small, old house with many rooms.  There’s no toilet upstairs.  So I don’t have to navigate the stairs during the night when Sparky’s playing a game of Bladder Ball (I’m not complaining – I love Bladder Ball!), we’re in the downstairs spare room now.  My husband even brought the TV, etc down – although we’re not moving our clothes.  It’s a strange milestone for me.  I remember clearly that early on with Blobby my husband had excitedly told me that once I was ‘great with child’ he would insist we move downstairs for my/Blobby’s safety.  We didn’t talk about it at all this time, but one day just knew it was time.  It’s strange to thing that one way or other I’ll be sleeping in this room until Sparky is born.  I don’t know if he will be an alive child or not when I return to sleeping in my bedroom.

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I’m still going through a hormonal period; I’ll cry at the drop of a sock.  Everything moves me – plays with my emotions.  A couple nights ago there was a movie on TV my husband wanted to watch.  He said we’d tried to watch it before, but it wasn’t long after Blobby’s death and I couldn’t.  I don’t remember this at all.  The film was Juno, about a 16-year-old who falls pregnant and decides to give her baby up for adoption.  I hated the film.  I find the title character exhaustingly one-dimensional; just too cool and confident for anything.  Occasionally a smidgen of the uncertainty you’d expect the bravado to be covering up leaks out, but not often and mostly the character is just too painfully cool in her ‘uncool’, Indie way.  So the whole gestating thing is something the character is too flippant about – some inconvenience she’s waiting out rather than an amazing thing that happened at the wrong time for her.  But I found the character of the potential adoptive mum intriguing.  The film really didn’t spend much time with her, and the character has a carefully constructed façade so she doesn’t show any emotions.  I don’t think I’ve seen Jennifer Garner in anything else, but to me she played this small part well (or it could be I was reading in the emotion I thought should have been there).  I thought I could see the flicker of intense pent-up emotions when it was mentioned they’d had another adoption fall through and when she felt the bub move. In general, I hated the film violently – I guess I was moved by it, but I wanted to throw things at the tv, break it apart, and rescue the potential adoptive mum so she could be in a film where she was understood and she was the hero.

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Last night on the way home from work my husband told me that his manager’s son’s girlfriend, who was due two weeks before me, developed a uterine infection and had to be induced.  Her bub didn’t live long.  I don’t know her, but I feel just awful.  The baby was a woops child – it wasn’t planned, it wasn’t the ‘best’ timing for them, however the couple and both families were so excited.  Part of me feel awful that she’s someone that wasn’t prepared for things to go wrong – I’d almost expect this, but they’re new to this horrid world of loss.  I hate that more people have to experience this.  I wish I could reach out to her, but she doesn’t know me.  And she doesn’t need more people in her face now; she’d be having enough trouble with those she knows.

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Categories: Musings
  1. 03/05/2011 at 12:33 pm

    First of all, thanks for stopping by this morning and your lovely words. I too am excited you’re also having a boy, it seems we have so many commonalities, just wish we were closer as I think we’d be wonderful IRL friends too!
    I’ve also been feeling baby move a lot & I agree completely it’s so reassuring…I can’t wait to feel him even more and with more distinctive kicks. Very exciting about the move to downstairs. I know what you mean about the emotions too. I feel like I go from feeling confident and reassured one day to nervous, emotional and anxious the next…ugh! I wish I could just feel confident that this pregnancy will end in a full term healthy baby, I wish I were still innocent about all that can go wrong during a pregnancy:( I’m so sorry for the news of another loss…it’s always so upsetting to hear of someone else experiencing such an immense loss.
    Hoping things continue smoothly for you & that we both are happy, huge pregnant ladies come August:)

  2. 03/05/2011 at 12:43 pm

    The were many moments where I wished bub remained inside me just to feel those little moments and kicks. Sorry to hear about the loss, it’s absolutely awful especially from someone who wasn’t expecting it. It’s also makes your own experience all the more real and that there are still so many more milestones to go. But you can hang in there.

  3. 03/05/2011 at 1:11 pm

    I hated Juno too! I watched the first time after our failed adoption and sobbed for hors after because a 16 year old could get pregnant and I couldn’t. I am so sorry for this new women and the grief she will be facing….so not fair!

  4. a
    03/05/2011 at 1:22 pm

    Oh and that I-want-the-baby-to-stay-inside feeling gets worse as time goes on. You won’t want to share that little guy with anyone…but it’s surprisingly OK when you have to. As to what to do when he gets here – easy enough. You feed him, change his diaper, and hold him while staring in wonder. That takes 3-6 months. You might even get a few hours sleep during that time.

    So sorry to hear that your husband’s manager’s son and girlfriend lost their baby. I think we can agree that shouldn’t happen to anyone.

  5. 03/05/2011 at 10:30 pm

    Congratulations on the big move! 🙂

    The internal movements and kicks are even better when accompanied by a smile, and nestling into you, once they’re out, even though they’re no longer private. And there’s some selfishness there, too … sometimes I don’t want to share N with anyone. I’m so glad that Sparky continues to be a star athlete in there! (And sending my thoughts to the girl who lost her baby … I agree that ANY loss, even a woops baby, is devastating.)

  6. 04/05/2011 at 1:23 am

    I’m so glad that you’re getting to enjoy the pregnancy! Yay! It’s so exciting to follow you and Sparky. I can’t wait for the big day.

    Oh, and as for Juno, I really didn’t care much for the movie also. It was a bit to pretentious and annoying.

  7. Anxiousmummy
    04/05/2011 at 8:26 pm

    I am so sorry for the manager’s son and his girlfriend 😦 how awful. I found your thoughts on Juno really interesting- you really haven’t seen Jennifer in anything else ?! LOL I agree with you though- her character was important and under-used. Love u xo

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