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Leaving Hospital

It’s been almost 3 weeks now since I left hospital with Eskil.  It wasn’t easy. . .

While in hospital I didn’t regard myself so much as a patient as a student; I knew NOTHING about newborns and had a lot to learn.  I didn’t know how to pick him up, change him, wrap him, change his nappy, whether I should let him cry or pick him up, etc.  Nothing.  My goal for so long had been to get and remain pregnant that I hadn’t given much thought to what came after.  In many ways I’d lost site of why I was doing this: because we wanted a child – not just to be pregnant.

So I appreciated the advise I could get.  I was at a private hospital, so there was no rush to go home.  Until I started to feel the need to leave.  Eskil was  born Saturday morning, and soon I was beginning to feel claustrophobic.  I would carry him down the hallways and look out the windows to escape my room.  And I was having trouble overcoming my biggest obstacle, breastfeeding problems, because of the constant interruptions while in my room.  Don’t get me wrong – there are lots of lovely people employed by and volunteering at the hospital.  But when you think catering knocks/opens the door 6 times per day (3 x meals; 3 times tea breaks) and there’s people to ask  if you’d like a newspaper, your flowers freshened, some magazines – plus the pediatrician and your ob once per day – and nursing staff many times per day – I felt like I needed some PRIVACY.

By Tuesday I was asking so go home the next day, and that evening I started the endless questions making certain I knew everything I wanted to know before being discharged.  Eskil had his hearing test just before lunch – which he passed – and by mid afternoon we could leave!!

I’d been so focused on leaving that I forgot what that would entail: sitting in the same lobby I’d sat in when I left hospital after Blobby died.  It was really awful.  It didn’t help that people kept stopping and telling me how gorgeous my son was.  It didn’t even help that I was leaving this time with my thriving, healthy son.  At that moment I was choking back tears for my little boy lost, for Blobby.

Categories: Ovum Donor Pregnancy
  1. 30/08/2011 at 10:57 pm

    wow … 3x tea breaks? We are living in the wrong country!

    I’m sorry that the leaving was so hard … though I think the pain dulls with time, it never goes away … hopefully, in time, you will find a way to celebrate Blobby’s short life, so that Eskil learns to love him, too.


  2. 31/08/2011 at 12:35 am

    I feel like no one knows what it’s like to be 100% responsible for a little one no matter how much experience you’ve got… we all have/ will have a learning curve. Thinking of you and Blobby and Eskil. 🙂

  3. 31/08/2011 at 4:24 am

    Wow, three weeks already. They really do grow too fast! I hope you and Eskil have settled into a nice routine so you can enjoy him and feel confident caring for him.

  4. 31/08/2011 at 6:08 am

    Hun, Blobby is looking down on you. Nearly commented on your last post when you asked whether Eskil was alive, that this was probably because of the pain of loosing Blobby. We haven’t forgotten Blobby, and won’t as we learn about Eskil, and as Justine says, teach Eskil about Blobby so that he knows too.

  5. a
    31/08/2011 at 1:10 pm

    Talk about a bittersweet moment…it’s a moment where you have everything and have lost everything at the same time. But, you came through OK, and little E is getting excellent care after all your uncertainty. On top of that, he’s got a built-in guardian angel in Blobby.

  6. 31/08/2011 at 1:32 pm

    wow, this is really intense
    one would think they could’ve figured things out a bit better at a private hospital… really, who wants to be bothered so many times???

    happy for your little baby

    sorry you had to go through a tough moment there in the lobby… hugs!

  7. 31/08/2011 at 2:03 pm

    I teared up a bit reading that. What a complicated series of emotions to go through, especially postpartum. ❤

  8. 01/09/2011 at 3:40 pm

    oh – I’m very behind – huge congratuations on Eskil’s safe arrival – he’s just beautiful. But it makes sense too that his arrival (and being at the same hospital) would bring up grief for Blobby as well.

  9. 01/09/2011 at 4:59 pm

    I can’t believe it’s been that long already – how is it time can be flying in your corner of the world and dragging so much in mine? I’m pleased you were able to get help with most of the things you needed while in hospital, and were able to get out when you were ready. I can’t imagine how difficult it would have been to leave though, with one healthy baby in your arms but another baby on your mind. Now that you’ve got Eskil at home you’ve got a lifetime of wonderful mother/son experiences to go through, but it’s hard to accept that your first son won’t get the same. I just hope the joy of having this little one at home will help to ease the pain of the loss of Blobby.

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