Home > Uncategorized > The Long Dark Winter of My Soul

The Long Dark Winter of My Soul

I was born in the northern hemisphere in the summer.  I’ve always hated summer.  So when moving to the southern hemisphere meant my birthday would be in the winter, I was happy.

Then my first son died.  He died in summer, but the winter after his death was the hardest I had ever been through.  I needed light, but living at S42 means if you work office hours you only see the sun at lunch – and I usually just ate at my desk.  After my first son died, death was always a much more real possibility.  It was so close to me.

I lived for IVF and the slim hope it gave me; I only lived cycle to cycle.  Early the next spring, an ovum donor cycle gave me the embryo that grew to be my son.

However winter still isn’t easy.  Last winter I was in disbelief and worry.  And today I’m noticing the light is at a lower angle.  Winter is on its way.  I feel a bit anxious and upset; I don’t want the light to fade.

Yet another reminder that there is no ‘life after loss’.  Only with it, if you are lucky.

Not that I’m not grateful for the miracle that is my living son.  But I had another, and I will always love him too.

Categories: Uncategorized
  1. 29/03/2012 at 5:24 pm

    For us, finally spring is here, and that makes us breathe easy. Our winters are incredibly long and boring and low-lit, so when this winter was a mild one I was shocked. Perhaps your winter will be mild as well. I honestly did not even feel it, compared to our last couple of winters. Anticipation tends to be worse than reality.

  2. 29/03/2012 at 6:24 pm

    Sending love & light for your soul my friend, hoping you feel strengthened & renewed this winter season ((hugs))

  3. xj2608
    30/03/2012 at 12:01 am

    I hope that subsequent winters involving happy times with E. will make the sad times easier to bear.

  4. 30/03/2012 at 12:26 pm

    I hate winter, too. Even though my birthday is in December. I’ve tried to embrace the darkness in these past few years, though … the stillness, the stars. I hope that some of that peace can find its way to your heart, too.

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