Home > Uncategorized > Stopping and Starting

Stopping and Starting

I’ve been avoiding writing this post because it makes me tear up.  As much as I hated it, it is extremely hard to write the words It is done; I have stopped pumping; I am no longer making milk for my son.

Of course I originally stopped pumping on the 8th of September, the day before my last post.  Two weeks later my breasts were so full and uncomfortable, that on the 22nd I pumped again.  However I have not since then.  It makes me sad.  I still see milk coming in the shower, but I try to ignore it like I tried to ignore it when my first bub died.  My boy has made his way through most of my freezer stash; there are only 2 x 200 ml left.  I keep ‘forgetting’ to give these to him.  Once they are finished, that’s it.

I try to think of it as an accomplishment though.  To pump for 13 months is insane, but it speaks to how insanely I love my boy.  Which is an awful way to put it, but whatever – you know what I mean.  And I’m still providing all his nutrition.  I prepare all his food; I cook his meals and cut the fruit he gleefully throws at the dog.  Not that he is wasteful – he checks that the dog is under his highchair before he throws food to/at her.  😉

AF has started up again.  So next CD1 I’ll be phoning up for a scan appointment for an FET cycle.  I have only 1 embryo, so my expectations are low.  However at least it is keeping me from having to think about what comes next when it fails.  I don’t know what I want.

On a more positive note – since this post seems strangely much sadder than I feel – the settlement date on our new house is 26 October.  I’m really looking forward to living in this house.  It is beautiful, and there is something uplifting in being surrounded by beauty.  I’m looking forward to the space, the light, being able to walk to cafes and work.  In the short term we will have to commute still until we can get our boy into a different day care centre, but in the long term his school is next to the rivulet track I walk or cycle along into the CBD to work.  I cannot imagine having a living son going to school, but it’s going to happen some day.  Crazy.  Wonderful crazy.

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Categories: Uncategorized
  1. a
    10/10/2012 at 1:16 pm

    It is definitely an accomplishment, so you should be proud of yourself. And anything you do for that long will definitely bring some nostalgia…especially when you continue to experience physical effects and when your son is involved.

    Much luck on your future cycle…and with your new house!

  2. 10/10/2012 at 1:34 pm

    New house, new beginnings – exciting!
    I totally hear you on the end of the milk provider era. I get sad only thinking of it…

  3. 10/10/2012 at 5:48 pm

    That is a major achievement indeed. You should feel proud! Congrats on the new house 🙂

  4. justinelevine
    10/10/2012 at 6:20 pm

    You are one AMAZING mama. Congratulations on the new space, and new beginnings there! 🙂

  5. Jenny
    10/10/2012 at 9:48 pm

    It’s a monumental stage in your relationship, so totally understandable that you’re struggling with it. I can only repeat how amazing you are for the lengths you’ve gone to to be sure your little man had breast milk for as long as he did. Still though, as you said, you are still providing all his nutrients, and there’s certainly no doubt that you love that little man!

    I’m keen to see how you go with this one little embryo. Scary to think that if it doesn’t stick you’ll have to make further decisions on what to do with your family. Much better all around if this one sticks – for so many reasons! I’m cheering you & the little embryo on all the way. ❤

    The house is so exciting too! This is the house that beautiful little E is going to really remember as his first home. Think of all the beautiful memories you all will build in it! I didn't comment on the pics earlier because I was on my phone (and too lazy/fat fingered to type much from it), but I LOVE your new house. It looks just lovely and I can't wait to see pics of it once you're all settled in. Exciting times ahead for you for sure!

  6. MKW
    11/10/2012 at 2:16 am

    I can’t imagine how difficult that must be. But be proud of the accomplishment because it is a huge accomplishment. Hoping that cycle is magic!

  7. 11/10/2012 at 5:47 am

    We also just finished our nursing journey about a month ago and it was a very bittersweet moment for me. You really should be proud of yourself though, it is a major accomplishment to provide milk for your little one for that long especially when you had to pump the whole time…you are one amazing Momma!
    Ugh, completely get your apprehension at the thought of what if with your last embryo. Thinking of you guys and hoping you settle into your new home well. And definitely treat yourself to a all the caffeine and wine you’d like while you’re not lactating and/or pregnant (that’s what I’ve been doing)!

  8. chon
    11/10/2012 at 9:51 am

    Omg I can’t believe you are back in the saddle!!! GOOD LUCK. And you have been amazing with feeding. I can say with 100% honesty I never would have been as committed

  9. Jen
    11/10/2012 at 4:02 pm

    You did so well! I know it’s sad, but you are a pumping rockstar!!

  10. 12/10/2012 at 12:45 pm

    You should be so incredibly proud of yourself… you accomplished your goal! I know it must be a hard transition, but truly… sit back and pat yourself on the back. Nice work, mama 🙂

    Now, go enjoy that long-awaited glass of wine 🙂

  11. Jac
    25/10/2012 at 6:16 am

    Hi nice to meet you and your family. Ive just discoverd your blogg. I am in tears becasue I can relate to so much of what you have written – nearly all of it really. Im about to go back to IVF after a break of a three months; previous to that I had been going for 4 years. I wish had of discovered your blogg much soon. Good luck with everything (breastfeeding grief included) Im sending good vibes to you.

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