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In the Groove

I think most people imagine I am over infertility and the loss of my first son.  Although Little Spark has added so much joy to my life, I must say it hasn’t wiped away those other feelings.  I can still have tears on my cheeks for this past whilst wearing the most enormous smile for my living son.

Is it that my heart is broken?  I think this has been such a heavy burden that I carried for so long, wheel ruts have been worn into my road.  I like to think that I’m headed into my future, but somehow as I lay down more road for this journey I can’t help but make it resemble what I thought I left behind.  It’s now just how I build my road.

Does this bother me?  Yes and no.  Yes, I’d rather feel untainted happiness.  However I don’t want to forget what I am, who I have been, or the embryos and little boy who came before Little Spark.  Without them, he wouldn’t exist.  And they existed in their own right as well.  Each one I loved and hoped for, and whatever and however short their existence was, it was theirs.  Also I feel more comfortable with my ‘group’, the friends I’ve made through infertility and baby loss who understood and supported me through it.  Who read and sometimes commented when what was in my head needed an outlet and when I was tossing around ideas for how to achieve the future I wanted.  I sometimes feel uncomfortable commenting on people’s blogs because I don’t want them to click through to mine and see where I’ve come – my survivor’s guilt – but I know sometimes it just helps that people are there reading along, nodding their heads.

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Categories: Musings
  1. a
    20/11/2012 at 2:12 pm

    Eh, it never goes away. Whoever thinks it does must have Alzheimer’s disease or something – that’s the only way that what went before might no longer bother you.

  2. 21/11/2012 at 2:18 pm

    I get it. We are forever changed … the experience of infertility and loss makes us who we are. It’s a difficult place to be … not just because of the loss, but because of the guilt. Thinking of you, and sending love.

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