Home > Donor Conception > Telling

Telling

I was going to respond to the comments in my last post with a comment, but then I decided to put it into a new post. I think I need to talk about donor conception here. It’s not normal, so I don’t expect people to understand it well. But it is my normal.

I first told Sparky about his conception in hospital the day he was born. Being conceived from a donor egg won’t be some dark secret; I intend it to always be part of what he knows about himself. It will be his normal.

It is hard balancing how I do or do not tell other people. I think you have to balance openness with being pushy, being informative with over-sharing, or normalising it with making it a bigger deal than it is. Also, this is his story to tell. I don’t hide the fact of his conception, however I don’t tell every stranger in the supermarket who notes his dark brown eyes and then looks up at his two blue eyed parents where his eye colour comes from.

It makes my son different from the majority of people, however it isn’t bizarre. Nor is adoption. Nor is having a step parent. And it is only one small fact about him.

When I was getting my head around whether I wanted to give ovum donation a go, I was greatly influenced by two friends I work with, one who was adopted and one who never knew his genetic father. Neither of them considered the parents who raised them to be anything other than their parents. They both felt quite strongly that the people who were there for them as parents were their parents. One was curious about a biological parent (but not enough to be bothered asking); one was not at all. I know other people are very curious, but not everyone is.

And I doubt I would mind if Sparky decided to find out who his genetic mother was. I’m curious myself, partially because I owe her so much. She helped make me a mother. She offered a gift that most people wouldn’t because she is a mother and understood how big the gift she could give was.

I guess what I’m saying is yesterday’s post was about my insecurities and how a post or comment can stir them up. Maybe in part it was my way to answer the unanswerable – the comment that was left with no contact details. My way of partially picking at the scab left behind when it burrowed under my skin; my way of partially healing.

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Categories: Donor Conception
  1. a
    13/02/2013 at 12:36 pm

    And I was trying so hard not to give assvice!

    I agree – not everyone needs to know everything about you. But I guess my point was that Sparky will never think of you as anything other than his mom, regardless of where his curiosity leads. I think that gestating thing has a significant effect, but I don’t know any adults who began as donated eggs or embryos, so I guess this is unexplored territory. Obviously there is some information regarding children of sperm donors. I guess it goes back to that “does it make a difference when life begins” question.

    Anyway, your way of working through your insecurities has me wondering about how this all works. More exploration from your end is, of course, welcome!

    • 13/02/2013 at 2:16 pm

      No, no no – I didn’t think you were giving assvice!! It is something I meant to discuss more here. I think it is part of why I still blog here: to work my feelings about parenting an ovum donor received child an while doing that help people to understand more about it. There will be more posts, but not as a reaction AGAINST your comments – more because they support me wanting to talk about this more! 🙂

  2. 13/02/2013 at 9:16 pm

    Oh I hope I didn’t upset you 😦

    • 13/02/2013 at 9:26 pm

      You didn’t upset me AT ALL! Except when you said you will stop blogging. 😦

  3. Flowergirl
    14/02/2013 at 7:21 am

    I so agree with you about where you’re coming from. When you are faced with the situations we are faced with there are still options available. But why I have decided to go down this ED route is based on really thinking what it means to be a parent, at which point, some of the genetic arguments become less important then they might once have been.

    I also have a friend who was adopted and she really welcomed that her parents were open with her. Her biological sister who went to a different family fared less well as they weren’t open. My friend doesn’t want anything to do with her biological father, her sister has been in contact. We can only hope that by being open, that our children will understand and decide what is right for them – there is no right or wrong answer.

    I completely get about the wait to 18 ticking clock, but I think you are managing this really sensitively, and therefore if your son does want to find out, you will be able to embrace the expansion really well. I also completely understand about how/if/when you tell those around you about the donation, but from what I have learnt about this you are doing this in a really sensitive way.

    You are doing really well. Keep this as well, as in the future when he is much bigger it might also help your son to understand the decisions that you had to make and the love you have for him.

    FG xx

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