I’m sure from the outside I have the perfect life now.  A beautiful son, a house I love, a job I love – which I am now doing only 3 days per week so I can be with my beloved son and dog more.

Am I allowed to say I feel like I’m falling apart on the inside?  It has been easy to hide behind things so that I didn’t have to think – while I was still hiding behind the goal of trying to have another child, while I was hiding behind the extreme stress of having 3 mortgages before we sold our two old houses, while I didn’t want to change jobs because it would be silly if I got pregnant, while I could blame not wanting to be intimate with my husband because of infertility stress.

However I’m a bit of a mess.  As abortion legislation debate goes on here, I’m periodically hit by the images of dead babies in my facebook or twitter steams without warning.  Which sends me spinning into a world of uncontrolled flashbacks.  I’m constantly worried the wonderful boy I have will be stolen from me my death too.  That second living child that will never come – another loss, another hole in my heart.  And I don’t even know how to begin to describe what is or isn’t happening between my husband and myself.

My life is perfect – at least on the outside.  It would be selfish to complain.

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Categories: Uncategorized
  1. 16/10/2013 at 3:01 pm

    I don’t follow many blogs anymore, but I still get your posts in my feed 🙂 I’m sorry to see you’re going through a rough time, despite outward appearances of the perfect life. Infertility and loss take so much out of you and your relationship even when you end up with a living child – it’s so frustrating and sad! I think it’s just one of those things that only those who have lived it can understand. I hope you have supportive and understanding people there around you, and that you and your husband can also find ways to be supportive and understanding of each other.

  2. Mel
    17/10/2013 at 12:09 pm

    Aaah, surfaces rarely tell the real story. Think of how many bodies of water look calm from above, the viewer never knowing the cities of coral and families of fish living and dying under the waves. Sending a hug.

  3. 18/10/2013 at 6:45 am

    I’m so sorry you’re going through such a rough time. Wish very much that there was more that I could offer then simple words. Hope that you feel supported and that you’re able to find a place back to joy. Sending love & thoughts

  4. 18/10/2013 at 11:47 pm

    Not at all selfish, love. These things are real, and we never get rid of our scars. They make us stronger, in some ways, but they also hurt when we stretch them. Sending love.

  5. 19/10/2013 at 3:21 pm

    I wonder if the trials are sometimes harder to face when “things look perfect on the outside.”
    But what matters is that you are working on your life, and I know you will find a way forward. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

  6. 30/10/2013 at 12:27 am

    Oh Honey, I am so sorry I am only getting to this post now. I am sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. I have no words and no solution, but I do want to say that no matter what you may think you should be grateful for it is okay to feel however you feel. You are allowed to be sad, you are allowed to feel that something is still missing. You are allowed to feel your feelings whatever they may be.

    Sending you much love and strength.

  7. Tonya
    23/11/2013 at 4:12 pm

    I can say, I know the feeling oh to well, looking like a picture perfect life on the outside and feeling less than normal on the inside. Like what’s wrong with me??

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