These are some thoughts that have been bouncing around my head lately, but I’m also prompted to try to get some of these thoughts ‘down’ after Mel’s post My Own Best Friend.
I’m fairly insular. I’m an introvert. I have friends, but not many who are close. Most people I’d rather keep in touch with online. Even meeting up for coffee can feel stressful with people I don’t usually see face-to-face.
There’s a woman who I consider to be my best friend, but after thinking about it a bit I realise that I’ve never called her that to her face even though I’ve referred to her as that to others. She is going through a busy and stressful time right now. I’ve been trying to balance ‘being there’ for her with not being too in her face if she’s trying to get on with things. Plus her time is completely taken up with caring for herself and her family.
And I shouldn’t make her situation about me, but this blog is mine, so I’m going to admit here to feeling a bit hurt at times because I’m finding out that although she’s my best friend, I am not hers. I don’t know if others are pushier and have visited her more lately or if I’m too oversensitive about pushing in, but I’ve not seen her recently although others have. And a few other things. And that’s fine. That’s whatever.
However why aren’t there rules about this? What about a ceremony to acknowledge who the best friend couples are? Why aren’t there rules to say if X is Y’s best friend, then it must be mutual and Y must be X’s best friend. I feel like a teenager who doesn’t know if she should refer to someone as her girlfriend. Is it mutual? Are we exclusive? Should we wear rings or friendship bracelets?
Of course this is ridiculous, but I now wonder: who is my best friend? I think I might actually need one maybe. I think I have a void, and I am hurting. My ‘best friend’ doesn’t have capacity now when I need her. Am I my own best friend? I don’t know if I’m equipped to be my best friend. Other than in this space – which I don’t devote enough time to – I don’t take enough time out to pay attention to myself or require myself to sit down and talk about what is happening in my life. I need a best friend to be outside me and help me know myself not be only reactive. That’s the work part of best friendship – it’s not all wine and dog cuddles.
Anyway, this is a bit half-baked and not thought through, but if it’s the best I can do with the little time I’ve allocated myself. If you’d like a best friend, applications are open.