It’s a terrible thing to admit, but I wasn’t really prepared when Google Reader was shut down. I know I backed up all my links, etc – but I never committed to a next step. I’ve kept up with a few blogs, but in being busy with my life and son I’ve lost track of sooo many people. I never meant to, and I miss them.
Last week I tried to look a lot of them up. Mostly I found blogs that hadn’t had new posts in years. Many had been deleted entirely. The last post in the abandoned blogs was usually about some stage in a pregnancy, which because of my experiences I found upsetting but in reality is probably a sign that they are living a busy life with a living bub.
I have been trying to get to know some of the new bloggers around, but I miss the oldies. We went through a lot together. Some of those people have now become my friends outside the blogging world, but some I don’t hear from again. It’s what happens with relationships, but I hold you all inside.
Hmm. . .I thought I’d published this post a week ago! Sigh.
Yes, my laptop is still dead and I haven’t gotten a new one, but yes – I do want to try to be here more.
In some ways the writing is not too difficult (I’m writing this in a document on my lunch break at work with a proper keyboard then will email it home to post) but to me ‘being here’ means reading and commenting on other people’s blogs. When I don’t listen to others, it feels selfish to put something out. I think I write for myself more than some other bloggers, which is fine – we all do this for our own many and varied reasons. Writing without commenting reminds me of this world where there are others who need to feel supported or need feedback, and I feel selfish.
However for now I might have to try to work through that feeling of selfishness. I might have to accept that I need to write for me, and at the moment reading for others is something I will do as I can – although it isn’t as mich as I would like.
A friend is going through a very hard time. I try to share news of anything just to distract her. I try to offer any help I can give.
But I can’t help. She has to go through this. She’s experiencing the endlessly long days of not knowing what will happen and probably is already living through every scenario in her head. It’s possible that my well-meaning offers of help and nonsense are just noise. It’s even possible that I remind her of how bad things can go.
I can’t go through this for her to spare her the pain. It’s her pain. I wish it could be otherwise.
I don’t want the honesty of my recent posts to make anyone think I’m not grateful what for I have and for the amazing living child I get to watch growing up and thriving around me. My life is quite perfect from the outside; all the darkness is within. I know this. So here’s a post about this little spark of light and wonder that I live with.
Last month Sparky turned 5. He’s amazing. He loves cuddles. His best friend is his Monkey George (Monkey was a 2nd birthday gift and so has just turned 3!). He’s in kindergarten so is learning numbers and is starting to read. He has a billion best friends and is always making more. He loves dancing just because dancing. He’s climbed the walls of a Japanese castle (oops!) and patted a penguin. He adores babies. He loves Weird Al and ABBA. He and my precious girl dog are finally beginning to play with each other – although they will never be close as neither wants to relinquish being the centre of the universe. He’s appalled by the idea that now he’s 5 I’m requiring him to wipe his own bottom. He can fall in love with a rock if it is a colour or shape that appeals. He adores Spider-Man, Batman, etc just because they’re cool (I wish there was a better reason, but he’s his own self.). This year he has added a new country to his travels, Japan, and has visited our capital city, Canberra. My Sparky.
WOW as in ‘WOW, has it been that long?!’ and ‘WOW, that’s a whole lot of silence!’.
It didn’t feel that long, especially as I’m constantly writing posts in my head. If only they could automagically post here.
I’ve had an interesting few months. I’ve gone through wanting to be so devoted to this space as well as considering deleting the whole thing. I’ve considered changing my ‘name’ and URL as I guess I must admit I’m no longer doing IVF.
I think where I’ve settled is that I still need this space. It holds a part of my heart. And although I’m no longer doing IVF, IVF and loss have changed me. I’m still dealing with that.
So this space will remain. I’d like to focus on the impact of IVF and loss and trying to heal. I think I’ve been living less deliberately than I should. I’ve been trying to keep my head above water for so long that I’ve come to consider treading water OK. It was for a while, but I think I need to start looking at the next part of my life, of our lives.
Here I am. 2016. During parts of last year I didn’t think I’d make it; I didn’t want to make it. December will always be an especially hard month, but I made it through.
I’m not usually one to look at the year ahead and plan and scheme just because the year has incremented. Every day the future is ahead of us; every day the past is behind us. If we choose renewal, we have constant chances for renewal. If you choose to reflect, you can always reflect.
However this year feels different. I spent time yesterday colour coding my diary to easily show what days this year are school days, which are school holidays, etc. School. Only kindergarten, but still – they’re stealing my boy from me. My only living little boy, who I was allowed to take home and cuddle and be frustrated with and love. In one month we’ll have our first and only first day of school.
In case you haven’t guessed, I’m not ready.
Do you know you have a challenge ahead of you this year? Are you one to reflect and to plan?
If you’re in a part of your journey where photos of people’s children are upsetting, you won’t want to read this post. I understand. I’ve been there!
We’ve been back for a couple weeks. I hadn’t intended to leave it so long until I posted anything, but I’m still processing the trip in many ways – mainly processing the thousands of photos I took. But it being Monday, I’ve decided not to miss another Microblog Monday.
We had both a great time and an awful time. As lucky as I feel for having a 4-year-old to travel with, travelling with a 4-year-old (at least mine) is at times hell. However that’s such a lucky problem and first world problem I dare not say it. There were times I honestly thought it would be better if we went home (or if just I went home), but we’re slowly forgetting those moments and only remembering the happy times. Plus in photos even the worst times look good.
I’m not even half finished going through and posting photos from the trip. I promised myself I wouldn’t include any in this post, but I’m never good at not posting photos.
There were traditional experiences.
There was a lot of exploration.
My son embraced the quirky side of Japanese culture…
…and had exciting animal encounters
But there were plenty of other fun types of transport to entertain him.
There was lots of ice cream eating. Actually, we ate ALL the ice cream. Sorry.
We packed a lot into our trip!